“Ntombi! Banathi! Mnqobi!” I yell for these kids to come down the stairs. We are already late and now I’m the one who was left to wrap the birthday gifts because we need to rush.

I like having Ntombi around. I feel like the only human beings that I push out are boys. So, having a daughter is so much fun for me. She enjoys the fact that I’m her personal hair stylist.

They come running down the stairs. They are finally dressed up and ready for Moloko’s second birthday party. It has been a heavy two years, I won’t lie. And you know it’s serious because Khotso hasn’t moved on. There’s no new girlfriend or him changing girlfriends all the time. They spend a lot of time at Teboho’s and Maboko’s house. Teboho took it upon herself to raise all seven of Lulu’s kids plus her own. In fact, if Maboko were not a factor, Teboho would have easily been Khotso’s wife by now. But Teboho took it hard. Yoh! I forgot how close they were until I saw Teboho stepping up for the kids and her crying when no one was looking. There have been times where Maboko phoned Zithulele worried, thinking that Teboho could harm herself. Khotso lost a wife and those kids lost a mother. But Teboho lost a sister and a friend that she will never find in anyone else walking this earth.

“Guys, grab the presents you bought for Moloko and let’s get going. Where’s your dad?” I ask them.
All three of them yell, “Baba!”
“Hai bo!” He yells from wherever he is. I’m pretty sure he wanted to say fuck off!
He comes down the stairs as well. He looks nice. Really nice.

We are on our way to the royal house now. The kids are chatting away in the backseat and Zithulele is driving. I’m on the passenger seat chatting to Fifi. She was checking where we are and I told her that we are a few minutes away.
“Unjani uKhotso?” I ask him.
Fifi and I have been going for isiZulu lessons. I’m so tired of my kids and husband laughing at me, yet I am Mrs Khuzwayo. Now, I speak isiZulu and they don’t have a single giggle left in them.
“He’s a lot better yaz. At least he’s started having sex again”, Zithulele says.
Wow! What a measure of healing.
“With who?” I ask.
He gets a bit upset.
I look at him.
“Nothile”, he says.
“Nothile? As in Nothile Nothile? Your sister?”
He seems pissed.
I laugh aloud.
They’ve always vibed, but that stopped years ago. Kanthe Nothile was waiting for Lulu to be removed from the picture? Yoh!
“They both say it’s not serious. Khotso says he’s not ready for commitment. He wants to focus on his kids and all. But Nothile really loved Khotso when they were running around with each other. She didn’t take that break-up well. I think she’s in this ‘nothing serious’ situation hoping that something serious will come from it. And I know those Mohale boys. When they’ve labelled you as nothing serious, that’s all you’ll ever be to them”.
I hear him.
“But love, if this is what she wants, what can we do about it?” I ask him.
“Please talk to her”, he says.
“And say what, my love?”
“That maybe she should find someone else… someone who will love her the way that she’s searching to be loved. You know, she had a fucked up husband, then had a miscarriage with Khotso’s child and that became a failed engagement. I just want her to make better choices when it comes to men.”
I look at him.
“Do you think I made a good choice with you?” I say.
He smiles. There’s that smile. The diamond earrings… the silly eyes.
He kisses me.
“Eeeuuuuu!!!!” The kids.
We all laugh.
He’s so silly.

We arrive at the royal house. These kids sprint out of the car and leave us to close the doors. Teboho is calling shots, sending people around and shouting at the kids… but they are not listening to her. Thabi is not getting involved. She’s just drinking wine. But she has softened up a bit with the kids. No lie.

“Mam’Tlali”, I hate it when these twins call me that and I feel like now, they really do it to get under my skin.
They are already laughing at my reaction. Reahile has Moloko in his arms.
“Hello wena sweetie pie”, I say and Moloko smiles at me.
He dives towards me and I take him. I hug him then spin him around and he laughs aloud. Zithulele smiles at me as if feeling a bit broody and wanting another child. It’s not happening. It’s just that…
Moloko is the child we all feel we owe the most. We all lay eyes on him and we just want to see him smile.

We walk to where everyone else is and I get dizzy nje from the noise and the hellos and brief hugs that I’m getting. There are too many kids here. We cannot have more kids nje. All of us, we are done.
Moloko points at the jumping castle and jungle gyms with excitement.
“You want to play there? All those kids are so big. They are going to hurt you”, I say.
He laughs.
Khotso stands next to me, hugs me and says hi. He looks happy and light today. But then again, I heard he’s having sex again, so that must be it.
“Ujwang?” I ask him.
“Ke shup. Wena?”
“I’m well, hle.”
“Mama! Mama! The boys are not letting us play with them. Can we throw bricks at them?” Rena says as she pulls my dress.
“Bricks?! Hai! Lefatselabarena!” Khotso is so traumatized.
I’m also shocked.
“But papa, re yetseng?” Ruri asks Khotso.
Khotso looks at me.
I giggle.
“Guys, I’ll come with you to play and tell the boys to give you space.”
“Where’s Ntombi, mama?” Rena asks me.
“I don’t know. She ran in here somewhere”, I say.
“Okay. Can I pick Moloko up?” Rena says to me.
“You’ll help me feed him”, I say.
Then phooof, they are gone.
Khotso and I look at each other then we laugh.
He leads me to the house.
Moloko has successfully unclipped my earring and is playing with it.

“Dumelang”, I greet the women in here.
Everyone is excited to see me.
We greet each other with excitement. We haven’t been this happy in a very long time. I don’t know where Khotso is. He’s just gone now.
“Can I help with anything?” I ask.
“We are done, babe. We must just call the gang to come and settle at the table”, Teboho says.
I guess it’s my job to do that, I head out to call them.
When Mohato sees me failing, he whistles and helps me gather the kids and take them to the party spot. Moloko is still attached to me.

After we have sung happy birthday to Moloko and he has slapped his two candles instead of blowing then out, the kids start eating.
None of these kids want to finish their food. They just want to go play or swim.
“I’ll take him from you.” Mme-mofomahadi says with a smile.
I hand Moloko to her. He starts crying.
“Tlali, are you pregnant?” Mme-mofomahadi says.
“Absolutely not! Yoh, the shop closed a long time ago”, I say.
Everyone is giggling. Zithulele is giving me a look I don’t approve of.
“Guys, I’m not pregnant. Mnqobi was the last baby that came out of me.”
Everyone laughs at me.
Moloko dives back to me.
“But we need to change your nappy, Moloko”, Mme-mofomahadi says.
“I’ll come with you to change him, mme.” I offer.

…

The kids are going crazy out there. We are all sitting together as the guys braai and us ladies have wine.
“Khotso…” Teboho says.
We are all quiet. We look at Teboho. She doesn’t look too happy. She looks… sad-ish.
“I’m so sorry.” Tebza says.
We are all a bit confused.
“I never meant to hurt you. It was never my intention to bring her into your life only to leave you so hurt and leave all these kids without a mother. I’m so sorry.” A tear even escapes her eye.
Khotso nods his head, walks up to her, kneels down and hugs her.
Now we are all getting emotional again.
“Tebza, I don’t blame you for any of this. If anything, I’m so thankful to you that you brought into my life a woman that I got to share life with and who gave me such a beautiful family.”
Teboho is crying now.
“She didn’t have to die. And you’ve been in so much pain for the past two years. I’ve watched you hurt and I cannot help but feel so guilty. I just –
“Tebza, I don’t blame you. What happened is not your fault. Please. She wouldn’t want you feeling this way. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me and you made that possible. No one is to blame for this, Tebza.”
“I’ll be okay… if you move on. It’s okay. You have my blessing. It’s time. You’ve mourned her well and you’ve truly respected her. It’s okay now. We need to let her go.” Teboho says.
Now Khotso really hugs her tightly. He is crying too.
“Thank you so much, Tebza. It means the most to me because it’s coming from you.”

It’s kind of hard to get back into the party mood after all of that. Teboho just gulps down a glass of wine and wipes her tears. She pours herself another glass.
“Mama, come see. We found God’s creature”, Lefatselabarena says to Tebza. Ruri is right behind her.
“God’s creature?” Teboho enquires.
Not Tholoana carrying God’s creature in his hand and bringing it to me.
“Hai hai Hai, Tholoana! What on earth?!” I’m trying to climb out of my seat here and the kids are laughing their lungs out. All the women have run into the house.
Moloko also brings another God’s creature. He’s too small for this.
Ona and Khotso stand in front of me, as if protecting me from what these kids are bringing to me. But they are not laughing. This seems serious.
Then they call their mother. She comes outside.
“Put that down. Tholoana! Moloko! Put that down!”
These kids gently put them down.
The kids come and stand next to us.
Mme-mofomahadi and Thabi sit on their sides before these creatures. Khotso and Ona take off their hats.
The creatures then turn away and leave.
I’m not sure what just happened.
But we see them get into a car and leave. They leave us with their house and their God’s creatures. We don’t know what to do. We let the kids go ahead and play, then we start tidying up outside. I have a feeling that we might need to leave soonest.

…

Letlali asked me to get takeout after I dropped her and the kids off at home. I had no problem. She said she’d get them all bathed up.
Now I’m returning with the food and I see Nothile’s car here. When did she even arrive? Is Khotso’s penis that good? Suddenly, she frequents my house again?

I walk into the house and the kids are all bathed and dressed in pyjamas.
“Hello baba”, they all say, greeting me. Even Ntombi. I like having her around. She seems to be getting close with Tlali and Tlali enjoys having another female in the house. There’s too many of us here.
“Hello guys. What are you watching?” I ask them.
“The Parent Trap”, Ntombi says to me.
“Is it nice?” I ask.
“It’s very funny”, Banathi says.
I nod my head and move to the kitchen where Tlali and Nothile are drinking wine while Zama is judging them. Even she’s here? And she’s dressed like someone’s makoti from 1977.
“Yini manje, Zama? Why do you look like that?” I can’t help myself.
She instantly becomes pissed off at me.
Tlali comes around the kitchen island and kisses me. I put the food down and kiss my beautiful wife.
“Thank you for the food”, she says.
I kiss her.
“So, wena you are here for Khotso?” I ask Nothile.
She rolls her eyes at me. She knows I hate that shit..
“He must start booking you into a hotel. You not going to treat my house like it’s a snack house. My wife and children live here and call this place home. Don’t disrespect me like that.” I say.
“Yini ngawe, Zithulele? My situation with Khotso has nothing to do with you!” She says.
“It does if it brings you to my house every other day just so you can have sex with a grieving man”, I tell her.
She seems hurt.
“What’s your plan, Nothile? You know he’s not going to marry you, right?” I say.
“Did I say I wanted to get married?” Nothile.
“No, you didn’t. But I know you. You have expectations that Khotso is not capable of giving you. Before you know it, Khotso will be getting married to some arranged wife and your bang-fest will be over!”
She seems like she wants to cry.
Tlali tightens her arms around me. I know she’s asking me to stop.
“And wena, why are you dressed like umfelokazi?” I ask Zama.
“Don’t start with me, Zithulele”, she says.
“It’s interesting how you’ve both come to my house to tell me to stay out of your business. You bring your business to my house then you act up?”
They are quiet.
After a brief minute, Nothile says, “Zama is getting married.”
“To who?” That’s my reaction.
She looks at me like she’s offended. Who on earth would want to marry Zama Khuzwayo? Hai!
“So, why are you dressed like this?” I ask her.
“They are coming to pay lobola tomorrow.” Zama tells me.
I just laugh. This cannot be real. It cannot. There’s no flippen way!
Tlali looks at me, so I stop laughing. Zama looks like she wants to cry.
“Okay, so Zama… what’s going to happen? I’m very confused.” I say.
“You are going to negotiate for me. You are the only brother I have left.” She says.
“And you didn’t think it would be appropriate to warn me ahead of time?” I ask her.
“I didn’t think you’d mind.”
The nerve!
“So, you’ve told people to come to my house, appointed me to negotiate lobola for you and probably be the one owenza umsebenzi wakho. You didn’t think I’d mind that you are only giving me this information at the eleventh hour? Lithatha kahle le khanda lakho?”
She doesn’t say anything to me.
I just walk out of the kitchen before I slap this selfish girl. I don’t understand how her brain works.

I get to my bedroom and dial Maphumulo. When he answers his phone, I actually tell him everything that I’ve just stumbled upon and that has come out of Zama’s mouth. He cannot stop laughing. It’s actually really funny now that we are discussing this.
He then says the bakhongis can be him, myself, Maboko and the twins. He will speak with the twins regarding the livestock we will need for amahlabiso and we take it from there.
Then he says:
“Qwabe, would you not want to do this at your parents’ house?”
I think about it a bit, then I say, “That’s honestly a great idea. It’s just with such short notice, we’d have to leave now and drive through the night then redirect the bakhongis from the groom’s family to go to a different place. What if they are already in Tholoana Kingdom and they’ve booked and financially arranged to be here?” I say.
“The fact that you didn’t receive a letter informing you about their intentions means no one searched for you to deliver that letter. So, this is punishment number one for that before sibahlawulisa. For now, pack your bags and your family. We are all going to do this the right way.”
I laugh. I love that idea.
We end the call after he has promised to inform the gents.

I head into the kitchen to tell everyone to pack because we must go to Meadowlands. They all complained but, Zama said nothing because she knows I’ll punch her. Angidlali naye.

The kids are sleepy shame. So we know that they’ll be sleeping in the car. As Tlali finishes packing and changing into makoti gear – my beautiful wife looking so beautiful – I take the bags to the car. Two V300s are at my gate. I open the gate for them and they drive in.
Tebza is in her makoti gear.
Fifi is in her makoti gear.
They are so nice.
Thabi is also in proper makoti gear.
“Must we really travel in these outfits? Isn’t this drive over five hours? We can always change when we get there.” Thabi complains and we all laugh.

The kids are so sleepy. We tell them to go into the car and sleep. They do not even protest.
“Keng wena?!” We suddenly hear Thabi say.
Lol!
She’s talking to Nothile. What are they fighting about now?
“Don’t be rude! There’s no need for you to be rude.” Nothile.
“You’ve clearly forgot who you are talking to. Or have you lost your mind perhaps?” Thabi.
I love Thabi for handling this situation. If fact, she might just be the one who will solve this issue for me.
I think Nothile wanted to ride with the Mohales because she begrudgingly climbs into the V300 that I’ll be driving and she climbs in with Zama. Lol!
Maphumulo, Fifi and Wande drive with us. Maphumulo and I need to strategise anyway. Ona, Khotso, Maboko, Tebza, Thabi and all their kids are riding together. The third V300 has the bodyguards. We have one more V300 behind us with more bodyguards.

It is about 3:30am when we arrive at my parents’ house. It is still pretty much the same. It is a big house compared to most houses in Meadowlands. It’s not a double story house, but it has six bedrooms, four bathrooms, a kitchen, a laundry, a TV room, a dining room and a patio leading to the huge garden in here. It has five outside rooms as well.

The women get in and start cleaning. It’s amazing. No one is complaining about being sleepy or tired. They clean the outside rooms first. I see them pull out linen from the boots. It’s actually Tlali who does that. She came prepared!
They settle the kids in the outside room, putting them to sleep. The girls sleep in one room, the grown boys sleep together in another bedroom and the younger boys sleep together in the third bedroom.
Now, they split the chores. Some women are cleaning while others are cooking. Tlali and Fifi start brewing the umqombothi. Zama found a mattress and she’s now sitting on it. I don’t understand!
I see a car park at the gate.
It’s Reitumetsi, Atisang, Suzy, Selaelo, Ntate Thokoane and his girlfriend. They are all dressed and ready to work as well.
I’ve never been more grateful in my life. Even Tlali is so happy to see them. She’s still cold towards her father, but she’s happy this is happening.

Mme Onica is the structure we need. Her kids showed up shortly after them and everyone is doing something! I even see a tent being pitched and I have no idea where it came from or who brought it. We just took everyone’s child to join a squad in the bedrooms. Girls joined the girls and boys picked a room and slept.

Ntate Thokoane calls me, Nothile, Zama and Letlali into my parents’ main bedroom.
He closes the door.
“Have you spoken to your parents and told them why there is so much movement in their house?” He says.
“We haven’t done that. We didn’t think about it, ntate.” I say.
“Tell them why you are here and why their home is so full after a long period of peace. Tell them we come in peace and we are about to send off Zama. After that, your makoti can go sit by the traditional beer until it brews. Then we will be ready for these people to arrive here.” He says then leaves, giving me a candle and impepho.
Zama as the eldest child should be the one doing this… even Nothile because she’s older than me. But, they all look at me.
My wife sits on a grass mat next to me. I kneel. Then, I speak to my parents.

…

The negotiations went very well. But, Zama forgot to tell me that she’s about to be someone’s third wife. Ona, Maboko and I just wanted to laugh every seven minutes. Only Shaka, Khotso and Ntate Thokoane took this seriously. But we are done now and the animals have been slaughtered. Not only did the umqombothi brew, but it’s raining! Pouring even.

Mme Onica and Tlali are actually baking together. I like to see this. I like that Tlali is giving her a chance. Maybe, Tlali is also grateful that she came today, brought all her kids and we actually feel like we have a mother around here.
Fifi and Mme Onica’s eldest daughter, Mahali, are making sure that the pots are ever so heavenly. Tebza, Nothile and Thabi are the ones who are serving everyone. Mme Onica’s other three kids are also very busy. We’ve had to set up a buffet outside because the community is coming out in numbers and they want to eat.
Zama is somewhere being a queen and not lifting a finger.
The kids are driving their mothers insane. As long as they are in the yard, I don’t see what the problem is. They can get flu and sleep eighty percent of the time. We will have peace.

“Qwabe!” Ona says.
I look at him and laugh.
“There’s a DJ at the gate. He says if we give him R5000, he can play music for us.” He says.
Kanti this is a party?
“Can I say yes?” Ona asks me.
I laugh. He laughs too. Then he disappears. Within minutes, there is music. Loud music. I guess Ona told him yes.

The party goes into midnight and I personally tell the DJ to stop the music. As he packs up, I see everyone who has come to help us also start packing up.
I’m helping Mohato take down one of the toilets and load them on some van when I hear Zama say, “Ngiyabonga bhuti wami for today.”
Oh! It lives.
“No problem.” I say.
“Seriously, Thule. You really gave me isthunzi today despite our issues and I’m forever grateful for that. I’m so excited for umembeso kusasa”.
You know what!!!!!
I look at her.
“They are coming back for umembeso tomorrow. I told umakoti.”
I just click my tongue and tell Mohato to leave this toilet outside and go sleep.

I walk into the house and I hear Nothile and Khotso arguing. I just stand at the door, unsure if I should go sleep or just wait until their fight is over. I’m too annoyed to deal with Zama right now. But no one is packing anything, so I imagine that Tlali spread the word that we shouldn’t pack up.
Khotso: “Nothile, I’ve always been upfront with you about our situation.”
Nothile: “Khotso, angidlalwa mina! I’m just not the girl that you do that to. And Khotso we were once engaged. You want to tell me that we can’t –
“My family has found a wife for me, Nothile.” Khotso says, interrupting her.
She is quiet.
Khotso: “I’m going to meet her for the first time next week.”
Nothile: “So what happens to us?”
Khotso: “Maybe, we should stop this. It’s not serving us in any way and I definitely don’t want to give you false hope.”
Nothile slaps Khotso across the face.
I walk into the room and they see me. I look at Nothile.
“Khotso, are you alright?” I ask.
“I’m good”, Khotso says.
Nothile walks out and leaves us there.
Such madness.

I only get into bed at 2am. Tlali did the bed for us on the floor using a pumped up mattress and blankets. She really came prepared. Apparently, all women bought these. So, the kids are all sleeping on the beds and us parents sleep on these mattresses. In our room, we have Banathi, Mnqobi, Tholoana, Akwand’impumelelo and Selaelo on the bed. Ntombi is sleeping with Ruri and Rena in the same room as Teboho and Maboko. Thabi and Ona have Mohale, Khabane, the twins.
Khotso and Nothile disappeared together, so they are probably having a bang-fest. Fifi and Maphumulo too.
The outside rooms are split amongst the Thokoanes and Mme Onica’s kids. All I know is, when I came to bed, all doors were locked and everyone was accommodated.