The worst part about Mohato being gone is going to bed without him. I’ve been doing this for a month now and I’m still not used to it. Mohato was the only person on this earth who knew when I wasn’t okay – I didn’t have to tell him. And he would find a way to make me better without even saying it out loud. We could speak about anything and everything. I got through my sons getting married and starting their families because Mohato still gave me a life outside of them and he would find a way to settle my worries and my fears about losing my kids to other women.
My boys are hurting! They cannot even hide it. In the midst of that, they’ve had to become leaders of this country. I know that Mohato would have known how to be there for them if it were me that had died. I’m not ashamed to admit that he was the better parent. He loved those boys no matter how much I reminded him that they were not his. He could give them love that I could only feel because my ability to show that love was suppressed by mourning Reahile. My boys know that I love them. They know. But Mohato was there. He’s the only father they’ve ever known and he ensured that he had time for them, that he took time to understand them and that he was both mother and father to them when I couldn’t be mother enough. They called him morena, but what they truly meant to call him was father.

I’m so angry. I don’t know who Kearabetsoe is without Mohato. I want to hurt people. I want to kill people. I know that will not bring him back to me and I know it will not heal my pain, but I need to do something with this anger that lives rent free in my being.

Mohato was buried a day after he passed. We buried him at midnight with Mohale elders, Khotso and I. Ona couldn’t be there. He has taken over from Mohato so he couldn’t be at the burial. No one else could be there. Today, we are being cleansed so his memorial service could happen for the nation. I will still wear my black mourning attire because I have to mourn for a year. But my kids, their wives and my grandchildren have to be cleansed and take off their mourning clothes so they can get to leading this kingdom.

I walk out of my bedroom and make my way to the backyard where the animal is that will be slaughtered for our cleansing. Ona and Khotso are already here. Lulu and Thabi are sitting behind them with the children. We have to be done with everything before the sun rises.

I am cleansed first with the water and bile. Then my hair is cut off my head. Ona and Khotso are next. Then it’s Thabi and Lulu. Then the grandchildren. We have sanna marena blankets put over us as our clothes are off now.
Incense is burned. It is put next to me. The Mohale elders speak to Mohato, pleading to him to be a good ancestor and to keep the light shining for us in this kingdom. He is asked to keep Ona and Khotso close, guiding them and protecting them. He is asked to allow me to heal. His memory will live forever amongst all Tholoana Kingdom citizens and generations to come.
I find myself crying. I don’t know why. There was a time where this man dying would have been the best thing that could have ever happened to me. But today, it feels like the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.

The family ngaka is now here and he is strengthening Ona, Khotso, their wives and the kids. Tholoana is asking a lot of questions, but Lulu restrains him well. Mohale seems to have a deeper understanding of what’s going on here. Mohale scares me. He can be both Ona and Khotso at the same time. You can just see that he will start preparing himself for the throne and the church very early in his life. His bravery is too tense for a child his age. Lefatselabarena is growing. She’s becoming cheeky by the minute. I don’t blame her. The boys that surround her can drive you there.

…

We are getting ready for the memorial service now. Everyone has to wear black and not a hint of any other colour. The Mohale family wears all black and sanna marena blankets. This memorial service will be streamed by all media networks.
Thabi organised for dresses to me made for herself, myself and Lulu. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I choose to just wear the dress and keep the peace. I said thanks even though the dress is not really my style. I’m sure Lulu would’ve found better looking dresses. But hey. I wear my dress with pantihose and black heels. I have to wear a headscarf because I am mourning my husband. Then I wear my sanna marena over my outfit.

I’m still sitting in my bedroom and I’m staring at the large portrait of Mohato and I that is stretched across the wall. I can’t believe he’s just left me. I start crying again. I know I shouldn’t be crying this much a whole month after his death. It just hurts so much. The media is out there and I have to be strong and walk out there, let them take pictures of me and allow them to invade my space of mourning. But, it’s more tolerable when he is next to me doing it with me. How am I supposed to do this without him?
I suddenly feel someone hugging me. I didn’t even hear anyone come in here. This smells like Fifi and her stomach is just there. She just consoles me. She doesn’t speak. She doesn’t ask me to stop crying. She just sits next to me and rubs my back consoling me. I find myself putting my head on her lap and just crying my soul out. Mohato must just come back. He must wake up and come back to me. That’s the only thing that will heal me.

After a while, I raise my head and start cleaning my face.
“Everyone is waiting.” I say.
“Let them wait. They are mourning with you, but they are mourning their leader. You have lost a part of you that you will never get back. Today is not about them. They can wait.” Fifi says. She’s put it better than every other “holokile” I’ve heard. I’ve lost a part of me that I will never get back. Now that I can name it, I put all that I’ve felt in sentences that make sense.
I take another thirty minutes then Fifi and I walk out of my bedroom. When I get to the sitting area, everyone indeed has been sitting in silence waiting for me.
“Mah. Ushup?” Khotso asks me.
I nod my head.

My sons walk on either side of me.
Lulu and Thabi walk with the kids behind us.
Shaka and Fifi are behind them.
Maboko and Teboho are behind them. Zithulele and Letlali are behind them. Their children are here with them… all dressed in black.
The Mohale elders walk in front of us dressed in black and sanna marena blankets. They are led by baSotho dancers.

The minute we step out of the house, I’m humbled by the entire community that has come out to mourn with us. Its flashes and cameras everywhere. The community is genuinely hurt. Some people are crying. They didn’t even know him. But I guess he made sure they were fed. He made sure they had homes. He invited them to all our celebrations and they’d come in and eat. He really was for the people and anyone who stopped him on the side of the road saying they were hungry, he’d feed.
I remember when he started the church. He told me that there’s not enough money in the kingdom to deliver on all these policies we needed implemented. He said he didn’t want to be the kind of leader that had flashy cars, a big house and a stylish wife when his people fought for twenty rands every day.
And he worked! He worked for them. He committed crimes for them. We found ourselves on the run a lot- for them. He really did come into leadership to change the narrative of serving his people. His execution may be questionable, but his intentions were always with his people. He was a leader. I suppose his purpose in this life is complete. Now, he rests so those he trained to take over from him can take his legacy to the next level.

The community hall is about five minutes away from the royal house, but it takes us thirty minutes to get there because the community has shut down the roads. I just feel like crying. Why did Mohato have to die? Why couldn’t he die of an illness two months away from turning 110 years old? Mohato was supposed to bury me. I’m not supposed to bury him. What am I supposed to do without him?
The car stops and I have to climb off. All the royal families within Tholoana Kingdom, government officials from across the world and royal families from across the world are all here. They will be inside the hall. There are big screens outside of the hall with tents set up so people can sit outside and watch the service.
I take a deep breath.
Everyone looks at me. We are all in one V300 vehicle.
The army does their respect dance and our door opens. I have to be the first one to climb out the car.
I step out the car. I hear nothing. I see nothing. I just want to get inside, sit down and get this day over and done with.

…

At 6pm, the catering has set up and it’s time for everyone to eat. Dinner will be on the royal house.
I want to go home. I don’t want to talk to anyone and I don’t want anyone’s condolences. I just want to be alone.
“Mama, I’ve organised for you to sneak out.” Lulu says to me.
This one is honestly my daughter. I may not have birthed her, but she’s mine.
I stand up.
“We are all leaving. We will eat at home.” She says.
“Okay”, I say.
“And mama…”
I look at her.
“A man named Skhumbuzo asked for five minutes of your time.” She says, but she’s whispering.
I really don’t want to talk to anyone today.
“I sent him to wait for you somewhere. I’ll go with you.” She says.
I leave with her and we go to some room.

Lol!
Skhumbuzo still looks like he did – the boy from KZN trying to find his way in a big city. He is the complete opposite of Shaka. But he is still so… familiar. Yes, that’s what he is. Familiar.
He hugs me immediately. Lulu is here with me, so I know he will not start undressing me.
“Kunjani ntombenhle?” He asks me. I’m still in his arms, lingering onto the hug.
“I don’t know, Skhumbuzo. I don’t know what to label what I’m feeling.”
“Have you thought about going away for some time?”
“I can’t. Not now. My son is about to be officially inaugurated and he’s going to need my help.”
“You cannot pour from an empty cup, Rabi. You need to replenish your soul. Give yourself time to fill up what you need to offer, then come back and be what your family needs and what this kingdom needs.”
I come out of the hug.
We look at each other.
“You need a break, Rabi.” He says.
“Not now. I’ll go on a holiday, I promise. But not now.” I say.
He nods his head.
“I’m a phone call away. Whatever you need.” He says.
“Thank you.” I say.
We hug one more time then Lulu and I leave here to run to the car.
She doesn’t ask me about Skhumbuzo and I don’t say anything. She lets me not feel bad or guilty. She’s not judging me. She’s just holding my hand as we pace to the car.

We get to the royal house and we have food prepared for us.
“I just want to go to sleep”, I tell everyone.
“I’m coming up with you. Le nna I need to lie down”, Fifi says.
“I’m not going to kill myself, I promise.” I say.
Everyone is uncomfortable at that comment.
But Fifi is not moved. She just says, “I know. I just also need to lie down. Maybe we can watch that movie we’ve been planning to watch all this time. I hear it’s on a streaming service now.”
I guess I’m not winning this.
We just go upstairs together.

I take off my mourning cloth and get into pyjamas. I feel slightly lighter. Fifi is massaging her feet when I get back into the bedroom. She’s been in heels all day.
She starts up the show.
“There’s a man who kept looking for some time with you”, she says. Who else did Skhumbuzo bother about speaking to me?
“His name is Skhumbuzo”, I say.
She smiles at me.
I laugh.
“No man, it’s not like that. He’s the man that I was engaged to ha ne ke shobediswa and married Mohato.” I explain myself. I don’t know. I feel the need to explain.
“Wow! And he has no hatred in his heart for you after all these years?” She says.
“I loved him. He loved me. We could never have any hatred for each other.”
“Do you miss him?”
“I don’t know how I feel about Skhumbuzo. I used to love him. Then it moved to him being familiar and reminding me of a time in my life when I had control over my own life. Then, he became a crutch in my life. And now, he’s just the man I used to be engaged to. There’s nothing there for me anymore.”
She nods her head.
“So did you manage to talk to him?” She asks me.
“Yeah. He wanted me to know that if I needed anything, he would always be there for me. He wanted me to go on holiday and take a break from everything. Then he hugged me. It’s a hug that used to make me weak at the knees, but today, I felt… I don’t know… offended. How dare he even do that when Mohato’s body is still warm underground. And now he wants to also go on holidays with me? Did I really make him disrespect my love for Mohato to this extent?” I’m actually upset at this. I really am.
“I don’t think it’s disrespect. He cares about you. The timing is off, but he just wanted you to escape the grief for a few seconds. I take it he didn’t achieve his intentions.” She says.
I start laughing. She looks at me.
“When I first met him, he used to wear very colourful outfits.”
She starts laughing too.
“I’m so serious. He had these red pants that he used to wear with an orange t-shirt and Carvela shoes.” I say. I’m in stitches.
“Carvela?! What?!” Refiloe is laughing too now.
“With red pants and an orange t-shirt”, I add still laughing.
“STOP IT!” She says, laughing heavily.
Oh man, I haven’t laughed like this in so long.
“Please tell me you sorted that out”, she says.
“I tried, hle. But let me tell you… it was not easy. Then he married Queen – a girl who once beat me up because she wanted him.”
She’s in stitches again. Then she says, “Your life was a movie.”
I laugh too. Then I say, “Then I became Mohato’s wife.”
She looks at me.
“Let me get you pyjamas. Get comfortable. Your tummy is massive though. I don’t know if I have any t-shirt that will fit you. Can I give you one of Lulu’s old maternity shirts?”
She smiles.
What a sweetie-pie.

Fifi and I spent the evening chatting away. I needed this. I really did. I’m thankful to her.
“Knock knock. We’ve come to join the party”, someone says as they walk through the door. It’s Lulu. And Thabi. And my grandchildren. All of them. Teboho follows. Letlali follows. Okay, it really is a party. Shaka walks in with Onaleruna, Khotso, Zithulele and Maboko.
“You’ve even changed?” Shaka says to Refiloe.
“I got comfortable. And Kea has been massaging my feet.” She says.
Everyone smiles. They are all relieved that I’m speaking and participating in things. They are all comfortable on the couches in my room. The kids are all over my king-sized bed.
What am I going to do with such a big bed all alone?
“So, what are we watching?” Thabi asks. I think they all saw me about to dip into a funk.
“The Lion King”, Ruri says. Apparently she’s obsessed with it.
“Everyday we watch Lion King. Hai”, Tholoana.
“We didn’t watch it yesterday”, Ruri being literal and sarcastic.
“We must watch The Suite Life of Zack and Cody”, Banathi says.
All the older boys agree with him.
Ruri and Rena are not having it.
“Okay, we are watching the news.” Lulu says.
“Nooooooooo” all the kids say.
I laugh.
People smile at me laughing.
“You are not choosing anything to watch because you are going to sleep and leave us here with your nonsense.” Shaka says.
“Let’s watch Harry Potter”, Khabane says.
“Khabane, why urata boloi so?” Maboko.
Laughter fills the room.
“It’s good magic, papa.” Khabane defends himself.
“Let’s watch High School Musical”, Ruri tries again.
“Noooooooooooo!” The boys protest again.
“Grandpa would let us watch Harry Potter”, Mohale says, shutting the entire room up. This child!
I burst into laughter.
Everyone laughs now.
“Harry Potter it is”, Ona says.
As they put it in, the kids all climb on my bed and get comfortable between Fifi and I.

…

I ended up falling asleep between these movies we were watching. I am waking up this morning and I’m the only one in my bed and in my bedroom. I feel quite lighter today. My shoulders are not so heavy. My spirit is not strained. Mohato came to me in my dreams last night. We actually had a conversation. I was at God’s window and he came to sit next to me. I asked him why he left me. He told me that his work was done and that the boys were ready to take over. I asked him why he didn’t take me with him. He told me that Tholoana Kingdom couldn’t have two kings, but there could be a queen and a queen mother. He said he doesn’t trust Thabi to be the only queen. Even I had the assistance of Mathabo for a while before I took over as the sole queen. Thabi will need that, especially if he is expected to be a good ancestor that will help the boys lead the country. He asked me to not hurt and mourn as long as I did with Reahile. He says the boys have no one else and they need me. He promised me that he will always be with me for as long as I want him to be there with me. Only I can push him out of my life. Until I do that, he stays in the air that I breathe, he stays in the beauty of each flower, he stays in every laughter that I will release and he stays in every moment I think about him. I know it really was him because he even said he’s present in every wet moment I’ll have because of being sexually deprived and I need to help myself. Lol!

I make the bed and decide to take a shower. It doesn’t feel the same showering without him. But I do so anyway, feeling his presence in the water falling on my skin. When I’m done, I lotion myself and feel his presence in the scent and texture of the lotion. I loved that man. And clearly, it’s going to be his love that is going to get me through this.

I dress up in my black dress, wear my black headscarf over my head, throw a black scarf over my shoulders and wear black Adidas sneakers. I need to be comfortable. I don’t plan on going anywhere today so I’ll probably be in sleepers by 11am.

I head to the kitchen and it smells like heaven. There is also noise, so I know it’s Lulu and the kids in here. She reminds me of how I was when I was a new bride. I wanted to be up and cooking for Mohato early in the morning. Then he pissed me off and I made him eat whatever was cooked in the house.
I suddenly regret it now. If I could have back a tiny second of those years I was so angry at him, I would.
“Mama!” The kids yell.
I’ve always been mama, for whatever reason. Lulu is mommy. Then when Mohato was around, I was gwan-ma because he was gwan-pa.
Oh! Come back, Mohato. I’m begging you.
“Hello my babies.” I say.
They all come and hug me.
Lulu smiles at us.
She’s dressed in a black short-sleeved dress, a black headscarf around her head and sleepers. She makes this look so stylish.
“How did you sleep, mama?” She asks me.
“Well… I actually feel relaxed. I dreamed about him.” I tell her.
“It looks like it was a good dream. You look lighter. You are even smiling.” She says.
“Yeah… I’ll miss that crazy man every breathing day of my life. But my journey to finding peace with his death has started.” I tell her.
“That’s good, mama. As long as you know that we love you and we are here for you.” She says.
“Thank you, baby.” Me.
“Good morning!” Khotso walks in saying, kisses Lulu and making her blush. I just giggle. They make me miss Mohato a lot.
Now, he’s greeting the kids and Ona walks in also saying, “Good morning!”
Then, Thabi walks in dressed in a black suit and red heels.
I actually start laughing. Everyone else is silent.
“Dumelang” Thabi.
“Rethabile, we are mourning. What are you wearing?” I ask her.
“I have to go to work.” She says.
“I also have to work, go shopping, go into the world and all of that – but I’m dressed accordingly.” I tell her.
“Mme, with all due respect –
“Rethabile, go change.” Ona says.
“Onaleruna, I’m the new queen and –
“I’m the queen-mother. I am instructing you to change and respectfully mourn my husband, your father-in-law and the king that has been laid to rest. You seem to be forgetting your limits. If you don’t know how to behave, I’ll personally take you back to the Sebata royal grounds and tell them to teach you how to behave as a queen.”
Silence. She seems upset, but she heels her way back to wherever she goes to change.
As soon as she’s disappeared, I say, “Onaleruna, you need to speak to your wife about her behaviour and how she’s expected to behave.”
He just nods his head.
“The elders want to meet today. Then Teboho will be here to discuss some PR things. We need to discuss the details of your inauguration. She’s managing it all for us.” I say.
“So, it’s really happening?” Ona says.
I nod my head and say, “Yeah. You are ready. He came to me in my dreams and told me so.”
Ona, Khotso and Lulu look at me.
“You are ready, papa ” I say.
“He came to me in my dreams too”, Ona says.
I look at him.
“We will get through this, mama. He lives within us forever.” Khotso.
“He visited you too?” I ask Khotso.
He nods his head.
I hug my boys. They hug me too.