So, I’m a mother to a daughter too. I’m so excited. I’m so fulfilled. And with three kids occupying my time now, I don’t think I’ll have more kids.
Khotso is the most excited to be a father to a daughter. It is so beautiful. Wow. He loves her and I love how he loves her. Ona too. Lefatselabarena is a love story rewriting itself on our lives.

My boys have been sleeping with Refiloe and Shak. I have no issues with that at all, I just miss them a lot. I spend time with them during the day, but it’s not the same. I miss waking up to them and listening to their silly conversations in the morning. I miss watching Mohale teach Tholoana new things.
Speaking of Tholoana, his mother reached out to me. It was a phone call to thank me for raising her son and we’ve been chatting ever since. I send her daily pictures and videos of Tholoana and how much he is growing. I’ve encouraged her to talk to him from time to time. When she did, Tholoana didn’t recognise her. I told her that it will take time, but he’s still a child and he will recognise her eventually. She was too heartbroken to try again, but she still calls in everyday and checks in. I also make an effort to keep her updated as much as I can.

Rena starts crying and I know that I’ve been ignoring her for too long. Her fathers are somewhere building people’s houses. I’ve seen these Zulu girls with big asses and big calves giving our men eyes as they rebuild the house that Shak’s kids burned down. We’ve told them time and again that they should rebuild dressed – not topless. Now, we have to walk around pretending to be absolute bitches so that people understand that those men are married men. Rough, I tell you.

As I’m calming down Rena, my cellphone rings. It’s my mom. She also phones and checks in every day. She wants me to go home and be somewhere safe and comfortable. I just want to be next to my husband and I want him to be the one who is involved with helping me raise our daughter. My mom phones me and judges me every day… first and foremost, for the Mohale business that Regodise so generously splashed across the world. And now she insists that I’ve made a mistake in marrying Khotso.
I don’t have the heart to tell Khotso any of this because I know that it will break his spirit. Rena, Tholoana, Mohale, Ona and I love him as he is and he is enough for us. So, I decide to ignore my mom’s call.

Thandeka phones me next. She’s probably checking up on Tholoana. He is outside playing with the other bunch.
“Mama-Tholoana”, I answer her phone.
“MakaTholoana. Uyaphila?” Her.
“I’m well, thank you. How are you doing?”
“I’m just having one of those days.”
“Ona told me about the divorce. I’m sorry.”
“I actually think it’s a good thing. I’m not even hurt. Marriage is a beautiful thing. But an unhappy marriage will kill you slowly. I started dying from my marriage a long time ago.”
Tense!
“Anyway, I know we are not exactly friends. But I do feel a closeness to you and I’m wondering if I’m not being too forward by talking to you about something I really need to let off my chest”. She says.
“You are the mother of my son. We don’t need a friendship to talk. Even if it’s about a hairstyle you cannot make your mind up on.”
She laughs.
Then she says, “Ona has asked me to move to Tholoana Kingdom. He wants us to try and actually have a relationship, raise our child together and possibly be his second wife.” She says.
“Yoh Thandeka. I mean, is the ink even dry on your divorce papers yet?”
“Officially, no. Unofficially – it’s been dry for a very long time.” She says.
“And what about his current fiancé? Thabi?” I ask her.
“She’s honestly not my problem.”
I chuckle. I don’t know how to feel about this.
“Look, Thandeka, I’m all about you being present in Tholoana’s life. He is your son and it is important. I’m just worried that if it has to come with marriage and you are unsure about it, it will cause more damage than good. I mean, we are already dealing with shit because Ona fucked up in his first marriage.”
“Yeah. We were on the phone all night last night and he was telling me all about it.”
“I’m glad he’s talking to someone. He needs the outlet.”
“Yeah. We’ve never been enemies.” She says.
“How do your other two boys feel about the divorce and you moving to a new country?” I ask her.
“They’ve moved out of my house and decided to go live with their dad. I don’t know, Lulu. They are my kids and I love them. But it’s not fair for them to expect my life to stand still because it hurts them that their father is a man I’m no longer prepared to fight for.”
“Divorce is one thing. But up and leaving to start a new life that doesn’t seem to include them may be what’s really hurting them here. My opinion, follow your heart. But make sure you don’t neglect any of your children. Your two boys need you – with or without your ex-husband.” I say.
“Thank you, Lulu. How is my rascal today?” She asks me.
“He’s great. They are all playing outside and enjoying the fresh air of KZN.” I say.
“Ona did say that you guys are in Mtubatuba. Perhaps I should just drive down and spend the evening with you guys”. She says.
I don’t even know what to say. This is going to be very awkward.
“Yeah, let me do that. Please send me your location. I’ll see you later.” Then she hangs up.
Kubi!

I feed Rena my boob as I text Khotso telling him to come see me with Ona. He sends me a text telling me that he’s coming. I throw a light blanket over my boob so Ona doesn’t see my exposed boob when he gets in here.
After twenty minutes, they both walk into the rondel and I tell them that Thandeka is on her way to Mtubatuba.
Ona smiles. I’m glad Khotso understands that this is awkward.
“Thabi?” Khotso asks Ona.
“I’ll talk to her. Thandeka is Tholoana’s mother. Thabi can’t keep her away”, Ona says.
“Eh monna, we need to at least tell Shaka and Morena what’s going on. This is not our house.” Khotso says.
“Okay shup, I’ll inform them.”
“And where is she going to sleep?” Khotso.
“Yoh!” Ona says then he leaves. He is so excited about Thandeka coming here that he hasn’t even thought about logistics.
“I hope Thabi is not going to show us half the flames that Dise is showing us because of this.” Khotso says to me.
Before I can even respond, he’s already lying on the bed, smelling like hard Labour but making our daughter smile. They are both in love!

…

It is late afternoon and I just feel like stretching my legs. It’s been a bit of a lazy day for me because all I do is look after Lefatselabarena. But as I step out, I notice a Benz with a GP number plate. It is a white GLC coupe Benz. Standing outside of the Benz is a beautiful woman – absolutely stunning! She is talking to Ona and Ona seems extremely charmed by her. They really look amazing together. I think this is Tholoana’s mother. Wow!

“Lulu, this is Thaandeka.” Ona introduces us as I get closer.
He takes Rena from me and I hug Thandeka saying, “It’s nice to finally meet you. We’ve only spoken over the phone and now it’s so nice to put such a gorgeous face to the name and voice”.
“Likewise.”

I had already briefed the ladies about her arrival, so as they all approach us – minus Thabi – she gets nervous, but I tell her to relax.
The ladies greet her respectfully. We even invite her for dinner. Mofomahadi is not having dinner with us. She and Morena have been locked up in their rondel all afternoon. After we saw how she puts it down on a man, I’m sure Morena is having a good time in there. Thabi comes to join us for dinner and now shit really does get awkward.
The kids come pouring in and you can just see Thandeka searching for Tholoana. Ona looks at me as if asking me to mediate this.
“Tholoana, come here.” I say.
He sprints to me and says, “Yes mommy?”
Everyone is watching us now.
“My boy, I want you to meet someone”. Me.
“Who mama?”
“Nana, you know that you are my baby, right?”
He nods his head.
“But you also know that you didn’t come out of my tummy right?”
“Yes. But you are my mama.”
“Yes, papa. I am. But you have two mommies and your other mom is here to see you.” I say.
He looks a bit confused.
“Sawubona khehla lami”. Thandeka starts with a language that Tholoana doesn’t even understand.
“Sawubona. Can I at least get a hug?” She says.
Tholoana shakes his head.
It gets awkward.
Shaka is at the door watching this. Thabi looks annoyed at the situation. Refiloe is standing in front of Shaka not sure what to do.
“Tholoana, she’s come all this way to see you. Please say hello and give her a hug.” I try again.
He shakes his head.
Awkward!
“Why, papa?” I ask him.
“Because only you are my mom.” Tholoana says.
Now I’m slightly embarrassed.
“It’s okay. Really, it’s fine.” Thandeka says then leaves the kitchen feeling extremely emotional.
“What did you think would happen?” Thabi says.
We all look at her.
“You want to ambush a child with such nonsense and expect him to be normal? This is basic child psychology 101. They are not programmed to just understand things so khumbaya moments are created between adults.” Thabi.
“Thabi –
“Why wouldn’t you tell me that she’s coming, Ona? I’m supposed to be your fiancé.”
“She’s Tholoana’s mother!”
“So? Not even Tholoana cares. You were supposed to talk to me and tell me that she’s coming! What good has come of this? She’s just upset a child and confused the rest! You know for people who give themselves trophies for producing children, you are all quite full of shit and could actually do with a lesson on parenting and child psychology.” Thabi says then leaves the kitchen.

Mohale is also next to me now. I just cuddle my boys while Khotso has Rena and Ona leaves the kitchen. I’m not sure if he’s going to console Thandeka or if he is going to talk to Thabi.

I walk to Thandeka’s car where she and Ona are sitting and just talking. They see me coming and their conversation dies down a bit.
“Hey”, I greet her.
“Hey makaTholoana.” She insists on calling me this.
“We will work on him. But I think it would be great if you came around more often so he could get used to you. You know?” I say.
“Yeah, ubaba kaTholoana was just saying the same thing. He wants me to move up to Tholoana Kingdom permanently.” She says.
Eh!
“Dumelang”, Thabi says.
I don’t know where she came from.
We all look at her.
Thandeka smiles at her and says hi.
“I’m Rethabile. I’m Ona’s fiancé. I don’t want you to feel as if you are not welcome here. It’s just that no one communicated with me that you were coming and had my fiancé been a better communicator, things wouldn’t have been awkward earlier today.” Thabi says.
“Khululeka, sisi. All is well.” Thandeka says.
“I’ve managed to organise a rondel for you to sleep in tonight. I’ll happily walk you there”. Thabi says.
Ona and I are so shocked. Ona better not ruin this by saying something left. Thandeka doesn’t know how to be.
“Come, let’s go”. Thabi says, already walking away.
“Don’t worry, I’ll sleep in there with you in case she’s put anything in there for you”. Ona says and we laugh. I’m glad he chose to say that after Thabi left.

…

We are preparing to sleep – all of us. So I decide to go speak to Thabi because I know that Ona is not sleeping with her tonight.

After two knocks on her rondel, I walk in. I find her reading some medicine book. She’s so comfortable on the couch in her glasses and her book and her gown. She has even lit some scented candles. It’s so calm In here.

“Can we talk?” I begin.
She nods her head.
“Thabi, everyone is already on eggshells around you. You can’t just have outbursts and talk to us the way that you did earlier today. I’m sure there was a better way in which you could have advised us about how we dealt with Tholoana and his mother.” I say.
“I was just saying that you don’t bombard a child like that.” She says.
“It’s the way you said it, Thabi, that I personally don’t appreciate. You never get involved in anything that has got to do with the children around here. The one time you want to have an opinion, you happen to not possess the sensitivity required to approach that situation?”
She looks at me.
“I don’t want to have issues with you, Thabi. I really don’t and I really hope that our relationship grows because we are going to be in each other’s lives forever. But I will not tolerate your disrespect under any and all circumstances. You are a grown ass woman, you can get your point across without being rude. I don’t appreciate your tone and I hope we never have this conversation again.”
I say then I leave.

…

Ona is sitting on the toilet seat as I shower. I’m a bit sad that Tholoana doesn’t recognise me as his mother. But I won’t lie, this is better than what his life could have been if he stayed with Nkosinathi and I. Lulu is good to him. He’s a happy child and I certainly don’t want to ruin that for him. I just wish that I could be part of that with him.

“Should I come in and scrub your back?” Ona says.
I laugh and say, “Cha. Ngiyabonga.”
He laughs.
“Are you okay though, T?” He asks me.
“I mean, I’m obviously sad that my son doesn’t recognise me. But I’m grateful that Lulu has been so good to him.” I say.
“Yeah, Lulu is a real one. I’m very thankful for her.” He says.
“She is. Your fiancé is a bit… I don’t know. I don’t quite understand her.” I tell him.
“No one does. Even I’m still learning to understand her.”
“I hope you said thank you. She was really nice to me. Accommodative even.” I say.
“I will say thank you. Don’t worry.” He says.
I’m silent.
“How are Khanya and Khosini?” He asks me.
“They are fine. They are living with their father at the moment. They are upset with me. My in-laws kicked me out of my house and basically made it very clear that my kids stay with the Buthelezis. I figure they are old now. They’ve seen what has become of their father and I. I’ve endured as much as I could. At this point, I cannot endure anymore. They know the truth and when they are ready to understand where I’m coming from, it will be up to them to come back to me as their mother. They are my children and I love them dearly. But, I can’t take the marriage anymore. I even have to move out of my house and return the car to Nathi because it’s under his name.”
“Aren’t you married in community of property?” He asks me.
“We are. But I want nothing from him. I want him to have it all. It’s always been his money. I’ll start over and I’ll make a plan to look after myself.”
“Well, you know that you have me, right? You are not going to suffer. Don’t worry.” He says.
I close the tap and the water stops falling out of the shower head.
He hands me a towel and I wrap myself it it before I step out of the shower.
He is staring at me.
I laugh at him and just head into the bedroom.

I’m now in pyjamas and we are on the bed, talking. He is lying down on his back and my legs are crossed, I’m sitting on my bums.
He is holding my hand and keeps kissing my fingers.
“I want you to be my wife”, he says.
I laugh.
“I’m serious, T. Don’t you want us to get married and raise our son together?” He says.
“Can’t you give me two years to be an absolute whore first – at least before you turn me into a wife again?” I say.
He laughs and says, “We can be whores together.”
I laugh hysterically and when we both calm down, I tell him, “it’s not that I don’t want to marry you, Ona. I need to work on my boys as well. I don’t care so much about Nathi and his family and what they are trying to do. It’s important to me that even if my kids choose their father over me, I don’t want them to feel like I chose you and Tholoana over them. Because right now, that’s what’s being fed to them. They are being told that I cheated on their father – which I did. I had a child – which I did. And now I’m leaving their father to start a new family without them – which I’m not doing.”
“There are people who actually say things like that to kids?”
“You don’t know the Buthelezis. And I guess I enabled them over the years that I kept going back to Nkosinathi and accepting his bullshit. I taught them that I always put him first even when I shouldn’t – to a point where I aborted my first child – FOR HIM – because it wasn’t his.”
His eyes widen.
“I’ve done many mistakes, Ona. I’ve given so much of myself when it came to Nkosinathi. It happens when you get married at eighteen and all you know is this man that was just given to you. So, to answer your question… I’d love to marry you and come here and raise Tholoana. I probably have a better chance with him than I do with Khanya and Khosini. But I can’t marry you now. I need to keep going with Khanya and Khosini. They need me too and they’d never move to Tholoana Kingdom with me. So, I can’t leave things like this between us.”
He seems to understand.
“You are a good mother, T. You really are.” He says.
I giggle and say, “Thank you. I try my best.”
He smiles at me.

A knock on the door startles us.
“Come in”, Ona says then his mother walks in.
She doesn’t seem approving of my presence here.
“I heard you were here”, she says to me.
I’ve never understood Kea. Ever. I’ve always thought she believed that I’m too old for her son. I’m only six years older than him. It’s not that deep. And I still look like a better fit for him compared to Regodise and Thabi. Facts. Ona and I have connected from when we first met. She can’t do shit about it. And I actually have better intentions for Ona than what her darling Regodise did. Clearly.
“I arrived earlier today.” I say.
“For?” Kea.
“My son.” Me.
“But I see you next to mine. Not yours.” Kea.
I release a light chuckle.
“Mah –
“Onaleruna, have you learned nothing from the experience that we are going through? You just keep bringing strays into our lives and popping babies in them so we can never get rid of them. Are we waiting for another disaster to hit us before you realise that your penis keeps compromising us?!” What’s with this woman?
“Mah, we were just talking.”
“She’s not sleeping here”, Kea says.
“But it’s late, Mah.”
“Did she not see the time? Why is she still here?”
“Mah, she’ll leave in the morning”.
“Did I sound like I was suggesting that she leaves?”
I honestly just get up from the bed, pack my bags again and make my way to my car in my pyjamas.
“T –
I hear Ona coming after me.
“Ona, let her go. I don’t want issues. Your mother has spoken”. Morena says to him.
I get into my car and I just drive off.

…

The sun rises with me on the road. Ona has been trying to phone me all night, but I just needed to be alone. I needed to take in what has become of my life. My mother is upset with me for divorcing Nkosinathi. In this case, she believes I’m the reason we had the breakdown because I’m the one who went and had an affair with Ona then had Tholoana. She never forgave me for that. So when I told her that I’ve filed for a divorce – after Nkosinathi had forgiven me after Tholoana – she just stopped talking to me.

My dad – well, he is somewhere with a new girlfriend.

I get to my house and I see people here moving my things.
“What’s happening?” I ask someone I see.
“Ma’am, we have strict instructions to come here and lock you out. It’s an instruction from Mr Buthelezi. We are here to take the cars as well.” The man says.
I honestly just give up.
“We’ve packed your bags for you of things that you can take. Your clothes. Your shoes and your handbags. You can even keep your cellphone and laptops. But your bank accounts, he has already closed. So all the money you do have is money that you have in your purse.” He says.
“It’s fine, bhuti. Thank you. Can I just get one more thing before I leave?” I say.
He lets me. Shame, he’s such a nice guy.

I have a travelling bag that I’ve hid in here. It has money that I have been saving and hiding for years. I find that bag and I pull out with me.

I phone Ona. I didn’t mean to, but I don’t have a choice. I can’t even order an Uber because my bank cards no longer work. As his phone rings, I see a car park in front of me. I hang up.
Wandisa climbs out of the back of the car.
“Mah?” She says.
“Your father has kicked me out of the house, closed my bank cards and has taken my car.” I say.
She just sighs and says, “I’ll order a bigger car. You have a lot of things.”
Then she tells the Uber person to leave.
“Thank you”, I tell her.
We wait for about twenty minutes for the Uber to arrive and the driver even helps us pack the car. I’ve booked myself into an AirBnB. I gave Wandisa cash and paid for the AirBnB with her card.

Wandisa is in high school now. We are still close, she and i. I know that she and Phuthi are also close now. She visits her every weekend and I’m happy for them. They deserve it. Truly.

She helps me settle into the AirBnB for about two hours… helping me unpack and just get comfortable. I’m going to be here for two months, so hey.
“Are you going to be okay, Mah?” She asks me.
“I already feel okay. Nathi is not going to control me with his money. Those days are gone. It’s fine. I’ll survive. It’s his money. It’s his choice.”
“I’m proud of you, mama. Ubaba is being unfair and I’m disappointed that Khanya and Khosini believe that you really tore the family apart.”
“Don’t worry about it. We will be fine. I’ll be fine. How’s Phuthi?” I ask her.
She beams and says, “She’s fine. The years are slowly coming to an end.”
We both laugh.
Ona phones me.
“Please excuse me”, I say.
She nods her head then gives me some space.

“Hey.” Me.
“Hey. Ushup?”
“I got home and Nathi had all my things packed and moved out the house. He took the car and closed all my bank accounts.”
Ona laughs. Then he says, “What kind of punk did you marry?”
I laugh too.
“Look, I’ll have a house and a car sorted out for you in the next hour. Where should I have the car delivered to?”
“You don’t have to do that for me, Ona.”
“I know. I want to. Please let me do it for you. Please.” He says.
Honestly, why not?
“Maybe just the car. I booked into an AirBnB for two months. I have time before I move out. We can do the house shopping together.” I say.
“Hopefully in Tholoana Kingdom.” He says.
I just laugh.
“Look, I’m sorry about my mom’s outburst. You didn’t deserve that.” He says.
“It’s fine. I honestly have bigger things to worry about.” I say.
“I’ll come down and see you when I can. We just want to sort out what’s left of the mess that Dise made before we are free to just travel anywhere.” He says.
“It’s okay. I understand.”
“Keep strong, T.”
“You too.”
We hang up.

Wandisa is already cooking.
I must say that I really appreciate her and how she has been treating me throughout this ordeal.
“Can I help with something?” I ask her.
“No, it’s okay. I want to make you some hearty food. I want you to remember that this too shall pass.” She says.
“Thank you, Wandisa. For not judging me and –
“Mah, after the way that you took me in and loved me after dad had me while betraying you, I’ll never thank you enough for your kindness. I know who dad is. I’m not going to let him do this to you. And mama, if you want to be with Tholoana’s dad, I support you.”
That actually means a lot to me.
“Ubaba has been doing as he pleases throughout your marriage. I won’t let Khanya and Khosini bully you just because you’ve had enough. We all have our cap of tolerance.” She says.
I smile at her.
“Anyway, what’s your plan now?” She asks me.
“Tholoana’s dad is sending a car for me. I’ll keep staying here until I find something decent that I can afford. Thankfully, I have my job.”
“I like Tholoana’s dad. I really do.”
“Me too”, I say and laugh.
“If he has a brother –
“He does and he’s married.”
“Damn!”
We both laugh.

When she’s done cooking, she takes her bags then says, “I have to head back to school before it gets too dark. I’m a call away if you need me. I love you, Mah.”
My life would have been so amazing if I had a daughter.
“I love you too, baby.” I say. I even give her pocket money to go back to school with.

…

This morning, I’m headed to work from the AirBnB. It’s actually closer to work and Ona bought me a C63 Benz. Somebody play me Beyonce’s Upgrade!

I phone him on my way to work to say thank you.
“Ona’s phone, hello?” Some woman picks up. I guess that’s my reminder that he’s someone’s fiancé.
“Hi. It’s Thandeka. I’d like to speak to Ona.” I say.
“About?” The woman.
“My son”, I say. That’s the quickest thing I can think of.
“You can leave a message. He’s busy.” She says.
“It’s fine. I’ll call back later.” I say then hang up.

Bitch!