“I’ve found the key route of our problems and why there is just so much chaos in this organisation”, pope tells us. 

We are on top of a roof of some abandoned building in Johannesburg. 

“You all talk too much. After a few rounds of sex, you want to be honest and transparent with your women about shit that has nothing to do with them. That is why when your bitches get tired of your dicks and decide to become crazy people, we are the first things that they attack! YOU HAVE NO FUCKEN DISCIPLINE!” He’s very pissed off today. 

And I’m catching feelings because I opened up to Wehweh about the church very early in our relationship. 

“You know, when my father was pope, no one’s wife knew about this. Not even my mom. She found out about the church years into their marriage. Some of you are not even married and your girlfriends know everything there is to know about our organisation.” He says.

We all look at each other.

Some guy puts his hand up. I don’t know his name, so he’s probably very low in the chain.

“Yes?!” Pope, acknowledging le bhari.

“We don’t talk about the church, pope. It’s usually the senior priests, deacons and bishops. And when we look at who’s women have had us on the run the most, it’s the women of all these people”, what a snitch and pet at the same time. Yerrr!

“You are right. You are absolutely correct. And we are going to rectify that. I’m restructuring this church. We are going back to basics. And hopefully, we are all getting our balls back that our women have clearly stolen from us. Your women – those that know about the church – will be going on a camp to learn some discipline. Mme-moholo will be in charge.” 

I don’t know how I feel about this. Wehweh is not built for such things. I see panic in Banathi’s eyes as well. Yoh yoh yoh! 

“And you, gentlemen… we will be going to Miami on a camp of our own. We will be away for three months. I’m going to teach you how to be without sex long enough to not be pussy-whipped the next time you get it. Anymore fuck ups, and these camps will be a year long.” 

We all complain because really, what the fuck?!

I see Uncle Maboko laughing. Must be nice.

“You can always leave the organisation if you are no longer satisfied. I’m happy to pay you your packages.” Pope says.

Now there’s silence.

“I’m serious, gentlemen. This is an out that I’m offering you. I won’t kill you. I won’t even be offended. If you feel that this is no longer for you, please… leave. I’ll pay you your package, your families will receive their packages too, and we will be able to work with soldiers that want to remain true to the course. This is the only time I’m ever going to make this kind of offer to you. So grab it with both hands.” Pope says.

Silence. 

“Gentlemen, please understand that if you stay, we go back to basics and this bullshit stops. If I’m ever threatened by another woman again because you decided to fuck her over, I will kill you for her.” Pope is… eish.

Silence.

“Good. Let’s get on a plane, Gentlemen.”

Hai bo! Kanti we are leaving now?! He got to say goodbye to his wife. What about us?! 

“NOW?!” Someone says.

Pope just gives him a look. 

I’m sure not even the army is this hectic.

–

We get to our airstrip and find our women here waiting to wave goodbye to us. At least they let us speak to them. Even Rea got called from wherever the hell he was. Each man walks up to his woman. 

I walk up to my Wehweh 

She’s wearing her running tights, running shoes and a baggy t-shirt. She was clearly on a run when they picked her up. 

“You okay?” I ask her as I hug her.

“I’ve accepted that with you, every day is different and I must always be ready for the unpredictable. Here I am.” She says.

She’s not upset though.

“What are they saying?” I ask her.

“We will be having daily training. Thankfully, we will be attending from 8am until 5pm. Then we can go home and at least stabilise a normal space for the kids.” She says.

I nod my head.

“Any chance I get, I’ll phone you.” I promise her.

She nods her head.

“I love you”, I tell her.

She just hugs me, holding me tighter than usual.

“Are you going to be safe? I know you are not allowed to tell me any details. I just want to know that you’ll be safe”, she says.

“I’ll be good, baby. I know how to survive. I’m Letlali’s son.” I tell her.

She nods her head.

“Don’t worry about anything here. I’ll take care of everything, okay? Just make it back home safely and in one piece. You owe me a wedding and babies. Why do you think I’m jogging so much.” 

We both laugh.

“I’m sorry for putting you in a position where you ended up disclosing what you shouldn’t have. It’s okay if you don’t disclose too much to me. All I ask is that you promise me two things: your safety and your loyalty.” She says.

“You got them both.” I promise her. And I mean this from the bottom of my soul.

We kiss.

“Gents, we need to go.” Uncle Maboko says.

I hug Wehweh one last time.

I know my child and businesses are safe in her hands.

We all finally board our private plane.

…

Banathi, Khabane, Ntuthuko and I are sitting together in the flight. Banathi and Khabane sit on the opposite seats to Ntuthuko and I, we are facing each other. Next to us sits, on the other side of the isle, sits Rea, Mohale and two other priests. We are flying with other priests (our ranks), deacons, bishops and pope. The other people below us are in the other three flights.

“Is Palesa okay?” I ask Banathi.

“She’s fine. What I love about her is that as petty as she can get, une-time and place. She knows when not to be petty. I thought she’d be upset because she’s supposed to move in with me next week. She and her siblings were preparing for the move this week. This just expedited everything a lot faster. But she’s not being difficult.”

We all nod our heads. 

We all feel Palesa. She’s good for him.

Banathi chuckles then says, “she told me that she wishes I never told her anything.” 

We all laugh.

Then Banathi says, “what was supposed to be our first date, we had to go into hiding. I didn’t have a choice, I had to fill her in.” 

We all laugh.

“Pope doesn’t understand… our women are not like the women that their fathers had. These women want answers for everything… whatever we cannot explain is automatically a cheating accusation”, Rea says.

We look at him.

We pause.

We BURST into laughter.

After we’ve calmed down from the laughter, Mohale decides to send us to our graves with laughter when he says, “I need the holiday away from my husband and my wife. I actually hope they cheat together so I can have peace in my life.” 

He laughs too then says, “gents, I have problems. You guys don’t understand. I think Vanessa is catching feelings for me. And I don’t understand it because I’ll never love her. I’ll never have desires to touch her. And she knows this. Now she wants babies out of me. How on earth am I even going to have sex with her?” Mohale says, and seriously, I don’t understand shame.

“So you don’t crave, Vee? Not even i-taste?” Banathi asks. I’m glad I’m not the only one who does not understand his problems.

“No. I don’t like women… well, not sexually. We can be great friends, but nothing more. Then there’s Drew… he knows that I’m not into women… Vee shouldn’t even be on his list of concerns. But he’s out here acting jealous. How do I even make him feel better? I’ve never done anything with a woman to give him the impression that I’d ever mess with Vee. Yoh hai”, Mohale says.

We all look at him. 

We look at each other.

We BURST into laughter again.

Ey, kuningi! 

…

We arrive at the camp that we will be staying at. It’s literally a camp.

Twenty of us will be sleeping on bunk beds in one hall. There are twenty showers in an open area – no privacy whatsoever… just twenty showerheads. 

We can’t even get settled in, but we at least find our beds.

We were told we have ten minutes, then we have to meet at base.

“Mohale, this must be Christmas for you! A room full of men, showering together in one open space”, some random says. 

“You are not my type. I can’t imagine you being anyone’s type actually. I’m sure your hun is with you just for your church money”, Mohale says.

When did he get so salty?! And now this guy’s feelings are hurt. Why was he even going there with Mohale?! 

“PRIESTS, GRAB YOUR BAGS AND FOLLOW ME!” Pope says.

He’s with his trusted bishops: Uncle Ona and Uncle Maboko. 

We take our bags – we hadn’t unpacked anyway – and we follow him. We are led to a different building. It’s a quite a walk from where we were. No one is talking to anyone. It’s not that kind of walk. 

We get to another hall or open space or whatever.

The hall is smaller than the one we just came from, but it’s less packed than the concentration camp we just came out of. This one at least has single beds, not bunk beds. Showers and toilets- still the same situation.

“Put your bags down and let’s get outside. Your training will be particularly different”, bishop-Maboko says.

Ntuthuko and I look at each other.

Ntuthuko is next in line to be pope. Myself, Banathi, Khabane, Mohale and Rea are in line to be his trusted bishops. Banathi and Khabane are the ones that are being trained with him – in case he dies before the next pope can take over from him.

We get outside to base camp where we will be doing our training. There are cut outs of our women here. What sick trick is this?!

They start shooting at these cut outs and there are sound effects of our women’s voices manipulated to scream, cry, beg for our help. 

We are all instantly angry. None of us are brave enough to take on pope, but this is fucked up! Why would he do this?! Why?! 

All our fists are being clutched. 

“RUN!” He yells.

“I SAID RUN!” He yells again. We look at each other.

We run up a hill we see. The noises keep screaming… getting louder and louder. 

“What the fuck is this?!” Mohale says, very pissed off. He must go ask his father.

Now the gun shots get louder and Banathi is the one who cracks. He runs straight to pope, bishop Ona and bishop Maboko. He starts punching all of them and switches off the noise.

It only hits me now… that loud noise was of Nothando’s final scream the day she got shot and killed.

The three men don’t hit him back. They don’t even try to kill him. 

They get up from the ground. 

They look at us.

“That’s what happens when you bring your wives on missions they are not trained to do. We’ve lost lives, gentlemen, because men like you thought that being too open was romantic. And I’ll take some fault. I also told my wives all about the church. But I’ve buried one. The pope before me – Shaka Maphumulo – buried his wife… I’ve buried my daughter. So did he.

You will lose a lot if you are not strategic with your woman. This is not to shut them out. This is to protect them! What we do for a living is not a joke. It’s serious! It’s for this country. We are the army that every country is afraid to admit they need. Our women won’t always understand that. We get paid and we live good lives. As long as they are fed and they have no debt, that should be enough”, bishop Ona says.

“Gentlemen, we are going back to basics. Ntuthuko, what is that?” Pope.

“Don’t believe in the king, believe in the kingdom”, Ntuthuko utters. 

“That’s right. There have been popes before me. There will be popes after me… after Ntuthuko… but this kingdom stands. It’s crumbling all around us right now because we lack discipline. And it’s discipline we’ve compromised because of good pussy…” He looks at Mohale then says, “or good bums”. 

It’s not even funny because that crying shit was traumatic. I’m still angry.

“And I need you to believe in the kingdom again. So, you have an obstacle course to complete before you can eat then sleep tonight.” Pope says.

“You’ll only get water three hours in. And it will be a glass of water. Your next glass will be at the end of the course.” Bishop Maboko says.

Three hours? How long is this thing?! 

Yoh, basho abeSotho… re shwile!