I gave birth at Bara – finally. But my baby is a smaller than the average new-born as he was born before time, so he had to stay in hospital a little while longer. But today, he’s getting discharged. Wandi is here with me. She offered to take us to my mom’s house in Sebokeng. I’m actually happy to go and be with my mom. 

Thanks to Wandi and Sipho – my honorary baby-daddy who couldn’t be here today because he had to go to work – I have enough stuff to get started on being my son’s mother. 

I get my son and in no time, we are in Wandi’s Polo using the car seat that Sipho got for us. My baby looks like a very happy baby. I’m sitting at the back of the car with him. 

“Are you happy to be a mommy?” Wandi asks me. 

“Honestly friend, I am. I didn’t think I’d feel this way. I was so scared I wouldn’t do okay with him. But he’s here and he’s perfect. I’m not even angry that he looks like Keith so much”, I say. 

“He was at the hospital, you know. I saw him”, she says. 

“Ai Wandi, I’m not interested.” 

“But you must prepare yourself to see more of this guy. Angisho kubo it’s next door your mom’s house? What happens if he goes to visit his mother while you are there with the baby? He’s not just going to look at you. You must remember phela that it’s his wife who turned on the deal. Guy still wants his child.” She says.

I’m just quiet. 

“For all we know, you’ll be his second wife”, Wandi says and laughs. 

I actually just shake my head and giggle. 

My baby’s name is Selaelo. My mother named him, and I like it. She’s been phoning me since yesterday. She cannot wait for us to arrive. 

Wandi and I chat away for the almost one-hour drive to Sebokeng. We finally arrive with Selaelo fast asleep. 

I hear my mom ululating her way to the gate to meet us. Now neighbours are coming out to see what the fuss is about. Oh Lord, even Keith’s mother walks out and sees us. I cover my baby with a light blanket so the whole street doesn’t see him. As I pull him out, I see Keith right behind me. I actually almost drop my baby. His car has even parked Wandi in. 

Wandi and my mom take our things and help each other in taking them into the house. Keith is still staring at me. I’m still frozen in front of him. 

He lifts the light blanket and looks at the baby. He becomes emotional instantly. 

He tries to pick up my baby and I just find myself saying, “Don’t touch my child.”

He looks at me. 

I look at him. 

I now move him out of the way, and I head into the house. 

Wandi is sleeping over today. My mom absolutely loves her, so she never comes to Sebokeng and just leaves. She also knows. So she packed an overnight bag. She has already parked her car in the garage as well. It’s 7pm and my mom is serving us food. My mom loves cooking. She does catering casually. I say casually because everyone always asks her to cook for their functions, then she’s too scared to charge them. So I charge for her. And she can cook yong. Wandi lives in our kitchen when she’s here. My mom sent a full home-cooked meal for Wandi’s mom when she came out of prison. My mom also met Wandi’s mom when she came to visit me there in Soweto. They actually got along very well. 

Wandi, my mom and I are chilling in the TV room eating while Selaelo is on my mom when we hear a knock at the door. 

So late vele? 

And my tummy is instantly tight as if I know what’s about to happen. And I feel like Keith is about to happen. 

I go get the door. Wandi is right behind me. 

Keith’s mom and some aunts are right there… with Keith. 

“Dumelang“, the mom. 

“Keith? What is this?” Me. 

“Re kopa ho kena“, the mom. 

“Why are you doing this, Keith? You and your wife said you don’t want this child when I could no longer do anything about my pregnancy. Why are you determined to disrupt my life every chance you get?” Me. 

“Basetsana, re kopa ho kena re buwe le batho babaholo“, the mother.

“Keith!” Me. 

My mom has given Wandi the baby and she tells Wandi and I to go to the bedroom. Then she lets Keith and his family inside the house. 

“Why is he doing this?” I keep asking Wandi as I pace up and down the room. 

She has my baby in her arms. 

“I don’t know, Bassie. But you are making me dizzy. Sit down, or go eavesdrop on that conversation.” 

I look at her. That’s actually a good idea. 

“Or, we can text his wife and tell her to come get her husband. I still have her number”, I say. 

“Bassie! You wouldn’t!” She says. 

“I don’t want Keith near my child. I feel like he’s about to bully me into an arrangement and it’s not fair!” 

“Bassie, you need to think about this and think about Selaelo. Because this is what it’s going to come down to. Selaelo needs both parents in his life. And at some point, you and Keith might need to give him that.”

“Selaelo needs people who are not going to want him one day then drop him the next day. Keith is controlled by that wife of his and my son doesn’t need the rejection when Keith doesn’t get through to his wife”.

“That’s not for you to decide, Bassie.” 

“It is. I’m his mother and his sole legal guardian as it stands.”

I’m already texting Keith’s wife: “Your husband is at my house with his elders trying to co-parent with me“. 

Text message sent.

Wandi shakes her head at me then says, “And what happens if they get an expensive lawyer that will force you to give this child back to them as per your initial agreement?” 

Okay, I didn’t think about that. 

…

My phone will not stop ringing. I even have to switch it off. And we’ve been told to wait as Bassie’s mother phones people from her family to come and have this conversation as well. She said she feels ambushed. So, we are waiting. 

I can hear my son crying from the living room. I just want to go in there and hold him. My mom has had to restrain me twice now. I just want to hold him. That’s all. When I saw him earlier today, he was my perfect little boy who looked exactly like me. Even my mom cried. I don’t want Bassie to make this difficult for me. She has to let me help her. She has to. I want to be involved in my son’s life. I don’t even know his name. I feel like crying, honestly. 

My mom’s phone rings. My mom shows me her cellphone. It’s Ria. Eish eish eish. 

I take my mom’s phone and step outside to take this call. 

“Hey”, me. 

“Where are you and why is your phone off?!” She’s actually yelling at me. 

“I’m at home. I told you I’ll be staying here a few days.” I say. 

“I’m coming to stay there with you”, she says. 

“No. Why?!”

“Why not?! I’m your wife. I thought I was always welcome to your mom’s house!”

Ria -“

“Keith, now that your childhood sweetheart gave birth to a child we were supposed to raise together, is our marriage on life support? You think I don’t know that you are there trying to negotiate a co-parenting agreement?” 

How does she know all of this?! 

“Baby, listen to me –

“No, you listen to me! If you don’t come home in the next hour and abort whatever mission you are on there, you and I are done. Do you understand me, Keith? I refuse to come second to that baby for the rest of my life. That girl should’ve aborted that child the minute we pulled out of the deal. She kept it on purpose and with intention to come between us. If you let her win, you and I are done.”

The line goes dead. 

I’m wrapping my head around what she’s just said when I see Bassie stand in front of me… with my son. Her friend is here too, checking the coast. 

“Bassie?”

“Hey Keith. Ujwang?” She says, rocking the baby in her arms.

I’m staring at my child. 

“Do you want to hold him?” She asks me. 

I nod my head instantly, putting my mom’s phone in my pocket. 

She hands the baby to me. 

He’s perfect. 

He’s wide awake. 

I have to rock him too now. He’s a bit restless. 

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” She says to me. 

“He is.” 

“I never thought I’d love him like this. I spent six months of my pregnancy trying my best to be detached from him because I knew I had to give him up when he’s born. Then I spent the last three months of my pregnancy adjusting to the position that you and your wife put me in while trying to fall in love with him.”

I look at her. 

“He doesn’t deserve that kind of instability, Keith. And we both know you won’t be able to give him the stability that he needs. You’ve proven it, Keith.” 

“I made a mistake, Bassie. I should have never let Ria do that to you and my son.” 

“But you did, Keith. You let her do that.”

I look at her.

What is she trying to do? 

“Look at him, Keith. Look at him. Think about what you are trying to do. Does he really deserve the uncertainty and the drama? You know I can look after him. You know he’s in good hands with me. Just stop all of this. Give him the peace that he deserves.”

“Bassie, I know you are trying to punish me for –

“I’m not punishing you, Keith. I’m trying to do what’s best for him considering the cards that I’ve been dealt with. Please.” 

I look at my son. 

I look at his mother.

She extends her arms, taking him back from me.

“Please Keith. Don’t go through with whatever you are trying to do.” She says then she turns around and heads back to wherever she comes from.

…

We ended up leaving because Bassie’s elders didn’t arrive. They said this was too short-noticed and my family was not going to bully them into a meeting so late at night. So we left. It also gave me a lot to think about. I held my son in my arms for the first time yesterday. He is so small, but he’s mine. He looks exactly like me. I also heard what his mother said. And I guess I’ve just shown her how much I’ve failed to protect them from Ria. I haven’t shown them the parts that I need them to see… like me being involved in their lives and never letting anything happen to them.

I can’t just leave them alone the way that Bassie has asked me to. I cannot. I’ve wanted this child since the day Bassie told us that she’s pregnant. I became attached to this child the day Bassie let me feel him kick in her stomach… I think that was the day that Ria decided she’s done with the arrangement and she wanted nothing to do with the child. She accused me of being in love with Bassie. If I were in love with Bassie, I would have been with her. Bassie and I have history and truly, if a relationship was ever something either of us wanted, we’d have pursued it. We love each other, yes. But we are not in love with each other. And I’ve explained this to Ria. She didn’t believe me. 

I sit up on my bed in my mom’s house. I look outside of the window. My window is aligned to Bassie’s window. There is a fence between the two houses, but it isn’t high enough for me to not see what’s happening in there or for her to see what’s happening in here. Her curtains and windows are open. She’s always hated the heat. Always. Once the sun comes up, her windows and curtains are open so she could get some air. Growing up as a teenager, I loved watching her getting ready for school with her windows and curtains open. Sometimes she’d catch me staring and laugh at me. 

But she’s also watched me wrapped in a towel multiple times. I just laugh at how silly we used to be. 

Today, she’s pacing up and down her room with our baby in her arms. I did hear him cry a few minutes ago. She must be trying to calm him down. 

She’s such a beautiful mother. I can’t let them go. I can’t. 

“So you chose this over coming home?” I hear a voice. Eish, she’s here. 

I close my curtains and give her my attention.

She looks nice in her blue jeans and white tank top. 

“Hey baby. You look nice.” Me. 

She pulls some face at me. 

“Love, don’t be like that.” I tell her. I know she’s about to manipulate me.

“I feel like you treat me this way because I can’t have children. Do you think I’m proud of the fact that I cannot have kids, Keith?” 

I knew it.

“Baby, we had spoken about this and we found a way around it. Bassie willingly helped us. We dropped her right in the middle of our agreement. And now we are expecting her to just deal with a baby she never even planned for alone. You not being able to have kids is not your fault. I don’t blame you or look at you in any type of way because of it. But what you made us do to Bassie, that I’m looking at you and judging you because it was cruel!” 

She stares at me. 

“And I want to be part of my son’s life.” I say. 

She laughs. 

“I’m going to talk to her – because at the moment, she wants nothing to do with me – but, I’m going to talk to her. And I’m going to be part of our son’s life.” I say. 

“So, yesterday, I told you that if you didn’t come home, we are through. And you didn’t come home. Now I come here and instead of begging me to forgive you, you are telling me this nonsense.”

What exactly am I supposed to be begging her for? 

“So we are through. I’m never going to give you a divorce because we share way too much together and it wouldn’t be a good look for me – especially with my family. But I want you to move out of our house. You can live your life. I’ll live my life. I expect you to show up and be my husband at important events and at family gatherings on my side of the family. You’ll let me know what you need me to show up for in your life. You can keep your cars, but I want the house. You can do whatever you want. I love myself way too much to be competing with that child and its mother for the rest of my life. Have your babies and raise them with your childhood sweetheart. But I’m done.” 

I love her – truly I do. But right now, I’m relieved.

I just nod my head. 

“I’ll get the helper to pack your things. You’ll tell me when you want to come and pick them up.” She says.

I nod my head. 

She turns around and walks out of my bedroom. I’m not even dressed. I had that entire conversation with her naked. I didn’t even notice.

…

I’ve showered and I’m dressed up now. 

My mom is making white porridge and a whole lot of eggs, bacon, viennas and and and… she’s honestly just wasting food. I know she doesn’t eat like this when I’m not around. And today, I honestly don’t have an appetite. I just want to go next door and speak to Bassie. 

“I saw your wife’s car this morning. I didn’t even come out of my bedroom. She just gives me heartburn that girl”, my mom says. 

I laugh a bit then I tell her how our conversation went. She just shakes her head throughout. 

“I told you to not marry that girl. I told you she’s a problem. And we all know that you love Basetsana. You’ve always loved her – since you were kids.” 

“All I want right now, mah, is to be a father to my child. I’m not looking for my next wife.” 

“Well, we go back today. Hopefully, she’s also had the night to think about it”.

“She asked me to stay away.” I tell her.

Even my mom is hurt. 

“I can’t do that, mah. That’s my child. My only son.” I say.

“Let me actually go next door. I need to give Aus’Mathapelo money for our Stokvel”, she says.

“Let me take it for you, mama.”

She gives me a weird look. 

“I need to talk to Bassie, mah. I’m desperate. Please.” 

She goes to the bedroom and gets the money. She gives me the cash and I leave the kitchen. 

As I get to the gate, I see Bassie out here seeing her friend off. They wave at each other, the friend hoots her car then she drives off. 

Now Bassie looks at me.

I look at her.

“She seems like a good friend”, I say.

“She is. She helped me get through what you and your wife put me through.” She says.

“I’m sorry, Bassie.” I say. 

“I know. I’m just not ready to forgive you.” She says. 

“Will you forgive me at some point though?” I ask her. 

She looks away from me. 

Then she says, “I saw your wife’s car here this morning”.

“Ja. She came to tell me that we are through.” 

She looks at me and says, “Really?” 

“Yeah. Do you mind if we take a walk and talk? I just want us to talk”, I say. 

“Selaelo is asleep. I have to be here when he wakes up. My mom has gone to Vaal Mall. She won’t be back for some time.” 

“Selaelo? That’s our son’s name?” 

She nods her head. 

“Mama gave me money to give to her for the stokvel. That’s why I was actually headed here. I can wait for her if that’s okay.”

“Or you can just give it to me and I’ll give it to her when she gets back”, she says.

“I need to talk to you, Bassie. Please.” I beg her. 

“Let’s go inside”, she says after a long pause. 

I follow her to inside of the house. 

Selaelo is actually sleeping in a cot that’s placed in the TV room. 

“Mama says we should let him get used to some noise while he sleeps, else he will be a light sleeper and be a problem”, she says. 

I laugh a bit because I actually find that funny.

“We are not abusing him, I promise.” She says. I laugh again. 

She’s in the kitchen for a while then she brings juice and biscuits for me. She’s having milk. 

“What did you want to talk about?” She asks me.

“I want to be involved… with the baby.”

“How exactly?” 

“I want to be a present father. I’ve even given up my marriage to make this happen”.

“Why now? Where were you when I was alone and pregnant? When your wife almost killed my child and I?” 

“I cannot turn back the hands of time and undo the things I wish I never did. But I want to be present now. I need you to allow me to have access to my son. And I don’t want the whole you have him sometimes and I have him other times, we can actually co-parent together.”

She looks at me for a while. Then she says, “So you are getting a divorce?” 

“Not really. We are going to live separate lives. But we have to stay married for the things we’ve accumulated together. We will show up for each other as and when needed, but we live separate lives.” 

“That doesn’t make any sense.” 

“The point is that I’m able to be part of you and Selaelo.”

She’s still observing me. 

I don’t know what her silence and observations mean. 

Selaelo wakes up. Yerr, he has strong lungs. He is a screamer. His mom picks him up from his cot and talks to him, trying to calm him down. 

“Please hold him. I need to give him medication before I give him the boob”, she says. 

I take him from her. 

I stand up and try to calm him down. 

“What’s wrong with him?” I ask. 

“He is a premature baby. So, the meds just help with some of the side effects from that”, she says. 

“Oh okay.” I say.

“I’d like to put him on my medical aid, if that’s okay”, I say. 

She just looks at me. 

“Hold him tightly. He fights me every time it’s medicine time. And he’s very strong.” She says. 

I hold him. And she’s not lying, he fights! 

But she forces the teaspoon in his mouth.

He swallows then cries. We both actually laugh at him. 

Now she takes him from me and starts saying sorry as she soothes his back.

“Do you mind if I breastfeed?” She asks me. 

What kind of a question is that?!

“It’s just… my boob will be…”

“I don’t mind, Bassie.” I say. 

She sits down. 

She lifts her t-shirt.

I sit next to her. 

She pulls out her boob. 

The minute my son puts his mouth on it, he calms down.

This is beautiful. 

“He has a reflux issue. So when I feed him, I have to hold him like this, else he will choke”, she tells me. 

“Thank you for teaching me how to look after him.” I say. 

“I’m also still learning. It’s only been a week.” 

“You are doing a good job. You make this look beautiful”, I say.

She laughs. 

Selaelo starts crying.

“Sorry”, Bassie says to him. He stops crying and keeps eating. 

“He likes attention. So when you hold him or feed him or do anything with him, give him your undivided attention.” She says to me.

We both laugh. 

Now that he’s done eating, Bassie shows me how to make him burb. She puts a burping towel over my shoulder so he doesn’t mess on me. 

Little man is so chilled. But he cries when I speak to his mother. So she asks me if she could go and shower. I really don’t mind. 

“Just let me know if you need anything”, she says.

“Shup”, me. 

It’s just my little man and me now.