I am headed back to Gauteng today. But first, I had to come and see my wife. She has been gone for a month now and it has not got any better. The silence in my life is very loud without her. I miss her. I have brought Rofhi with me. I think she has been having dreams about her mother because twice, she woke up in the middle of the night screaming for her mother. I stand in front of her tombstone now. The shivers down my spine tell me how real this is. But I’m struggling to grasp it. 

Rofhi is sitting on the body of the tombstone and I am kneeled down before it. 

“Rofhiwa, your mommy is sleeping here.” I tell her.

“When is she going to wake up?” Rofhi asks me. 

I restrain myself from crying, running my hand past my face. 

“She’s not coming back, princess. This is her final resting place.” I try to explain. 

“Why? Daddy, I miss her. Why is she sleeping forever?” 

Her face is what is hurting me the most. I hold her hand. 

“There comes a time when each of us will have to be laid to rest in our final resting places. We don’t know when it’s going to happen. When it happens, we just have to rest. The people who love us will be hurt, but they have to let us rest in peace. Mommy’s time came. You and I are hurt, but we have to let her rest, princess.” 

“But daddy, I miss her.” She says. Now she’s crying. 

I pull her towards my chest and comfort her.

“I miss her too, princess. I really do. But she’s an angel now. She’s watching over us. For as long as we think about her, she lives in our hearts.” 

This doesn’t comfort her at all. She just cries. We cry together as I rock her in my arms. She is growing so much lately. She walks and talks a lot. She is looking forward to being a flower girl for Msomi’s wedding. Now she has to do all these things without her mother. 

“I’m so sorry, my princess.” I tell her. 

I let her cry in my arms as long as it takes her. On Lydia’s funeral, I doubt she was aware of what was going on. She is really dealing with it now. 

After she has had a good cry, I let her sit on my thigh as I’m still kneeling with one knee next to the tombstone. She is still wiping tears off her face while I start speaking to my beautiful wife. 

“My love, I’m here with our daughter, Rofhiwa – the best gift that any human being has ever given me. We miss you so much, my baby. We wish you didn’t have to die and leave us to figure out life without you. Lydia, I miss you, baby.”

I can’t help it, I just fall apart. Now it’s my princess who is comforting me. She keeps wiping my tears off my face. 

“I’m going to raise our daughter the best way that I know possible. I will make you proud, baby. You’ll see. She’s going to be great and we will always remember you, baby. We will always live in your memory, my love. Your memory will always be alive with us. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t help you. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you. It’s so difficult to let you go, baby. But I’ll leave you to rest, my wife. Rest in eternal peace.” 

This time, I cry and my baby girl hugs me. 

“Can we ask her to come back, daddy?” 

Oh my… Now, I cannot hold it in at all. I just weep. I feel Rofhi’s little hands just rub my back. 

We spend another thirty minutes here with her mother then we leave. We head back to the house to pack and get ready for the road headed back to Gauteng. 

We arrive at the house and find Thando stretching or exercising or whatever it is that she is doing in gym tights and a gym bra. My erection uncontrollably defies me. What the hell? In my parents’ living room? 

“Auntie Thando, is this yoga? You started without me.” Rofhi says. She also gets on the mat next to Thando and starts bending over and doing whatever it is Thando is doing that is making me so horny.

“I’m sorry, princess. When I woke up, you had already left. And you know your dad makes me work hard. So I had to get my yoga in before your daddy gives me work.” Thando is so patient with Rofhi. I’m so thankful, I won’t lie. She makes this easier with Rofhi.

“We went to go and see my mommy. She’s sleeping now, so we went to the sleeping home. She’s never waking up again, Auntie Thando.” Rofhi is so sad when she says this. 

“I’m sorry, baby. Come here.” Thando says as she hugs Rofhi. 

They sit down on one of these mats that Thando was exercising on. Thando holds her hand. I’m leaning against the door frame, watching them.

“My mommy and daddy went to their sleeping homes and left me all by myself. I didn’t even have my daddy to make me feel better about my mommy being gone.” 

Rofhi’s eyes widen. 

“These things are difficult, baby. But we get through them. Your mommy loved you so much and she will never stop. Just like you will never stop loving her. And you are God’s favourite child because you have your daddy who still loves you and you have me.” 

Rofhi chuckles.

“You know that I’m your best friend and I’m here for you no matter what. Okay?” 

Rofhi nods her head then hugs Thando. 

“Let’s finish our stretching so we can start our day.” 

Rofhi is excited. And my dick has also calmed down. 

Thando looks at me and mouths, “Are you okay?” 

I nod my head and smile at her. She smiles at me too. That ass in those tights. That flat stomach in that bra. And these stretches they are doing – 

I walk away because I’ll want to fuck this girl and this is not the time. I’m still mourning my wife. 

I’m packing the bags in the car. Thando came here by uber or something, so we are driving back with her. 

She walks out with Rofhi. She’s turning my daughter into a little diva. They are both wearing sunglasses and it’s honestly funny to see Rofhi with a handbag and sunglasses. Then Thando is wearing beige short tights and a beige top with sneakers. This girl is trying to torture me. I just know it. She wants me to fuck her and I’m just not there yet, but my dick is. 

We dropped Thando off at her home in Tembisa then we went home.

…

I drive off from Rofhi’s crèche with the intention to go to the office. Instead, my car leads me to the Khalos’ house. I let Phali, Lydia’s mother, have Lydia Porsche. I would have never driven it anyway because it is just her… but her mother was happy to take it. I see it parked outside the garage. Something falls apart inside of me already. 

I see her walk out and coming towards my car. I get out of the car and meet her half way. 

“How are you?” She asks me. 

“It’s hard, Phali. It really is. I was supposed to head to work, but the road led me here.” I tell her. 

“You are welcome to come here anytime, my son. You are now the only child that I have left. You and Rofhiwa. Please don’t stay away. I need you and Rofhiwa.” She says. 

That’s very comforting. She is my peer as far as age is concerned, but through marriage, she is my mother and she is what I need right now. 

“Come in, let me make you some tea.” She says. 

I follow her inside. She is home alone and she was looking through photo albums. A picture of Lydia’s graduation catches my eye and I pick it up. I look at her. She looks so happy. She looks so impressed with herself. I don’t blame her. She was a business and operations genius. 

Phali comes back into the TV room with a tray of tea and a sliced piece of cake. She puts the tray on the coffee table and picks up an album as she sits next to me. 

“I had beautiful babies – four of the best, I tell you. I was so proud of my family. Each child was special. Serithi, me eldest son, he was the loudest.” She says as she shows me a picture of Serithi. 

“He loved the finer things in life, but refused to work hard for them. He told me at the age of sixteen that he would marry a housewife one day and Terrence and I would pay for it and sustain their lives.” 

We both laugh. 

“I worried about him. He had an unrealistic view of life that I sometimes thought would see him end up in an abusive relationship one day. You know- the type that has it all except the happiness?” 

She is silent for a moment then she picks up another photo and shows me another boy. 

“This was my second bambino, Thuso. My engineer. He had the worst taste in women. I just had faith that he would give me a sane grandchild to console me should one of his girlfriends kill him one day.” 

We both laugh. Yeah, I know these types of guys who are obsessed with crazy women. 

“This was my third baby and also son, Boipelo. He was very quiet. We thought he would be my last until I had my first and only baby girl, Lydia. Oh my baby”. 

She mustn’t cry. Because then I’ll cry. And I’m not sure if I’ll stop this time. 

“I didn’t agree with your relationship in the beginning you know. I thought that you and Pearl were happy and the last thing I wanted was for my daughter to be the woman who tore a family apart. I didn’t raise her like that. It took me a while to see what the two of you had. But when I finally saw it, I was just happy that I got it right with at least one child. I raised her, saw her grow up, get a job, get married and have a family. I know that you loved her and I don’t blame you for what happened to her. If anything, I just want to say thank you for loving my girls.” 

“I wish she could just wake up”. I catch myself saying. I feel the tears in my eyes. 

She holds my hand – squeezes it really. 

“I don’t know what I did to God, that is so wrong, for him to take all of my kids away. When you have four children, you hope that you will at least have one who will bury you. I have had to bury all four of mine. What’s the point of having all that I do have when I have no one to inherit it?” 

Oh shit. 

She is in a worse position than me. Rofhiwa is all that I have now and I would never survive it if I lost her too. 

“You have me, Phali. And you have Rofhiwa. We still need you.” I say. 

She smiles at me. 

After drinking her tea and eating her cake, looking through photo albums with her, talking about Lydia, crying about Lydia and just sharing her memory, I feel a lot better. I feel closer to her. I promise I’ll bring Rofhiwa when I head to Stellenbosch for the Msomi wedding because I still need Rofhiwa on weekends. I’m not ready to be without her every weekend yet. I’ll let Mthunzi know that they have lost a flower girl. I am sure they will understand. 

It is 2pm when I leave. I don’t even go into the office, I just fetch Rofhiwa and take her out for ice-cream to talk about her day. She tells me that a boy asked her to be his girlfriend and bought her chips and juice. I don’t know if I’m cut out to be a girl-dad because I already feel like murdering a boy who is still in crèche. But I focus on the other things that she tells me, like how she is learning her colours and how she is learning how to write her name. She even pulls out a pen and paper and writes her name on it. I know this is small – I know. But I’m so proud. My heart is overwhelmed with joy. She already looks like Lydia and I can just anticipate that she will be one hell of a version of Lydia too. 

“Daddy”, she starts. 

“Yes baby?” 

“My teacher says that mommy is in heaven and that she is watching over us. She says mommy is our angel now.” 

I smile at her. 

“You not going to leave me and go to heaven to be with her, are you?”

“I don’t think mommy intended to leave us, baby. We just don’t have control over these things. But I will try my best to make sure that I am here for you until you are old and hate me.” 

“Hate you? I will never hate you! I love you very much. You are my best friend.” She says. 

I smile at her. 

“And daddy”, I did she say that she just doesn’t stop talking. 

“I don’t want another mommy or another brother or sister.” And where the hell did that come from? 

“Rofhi, why would you say that?” 

“Auntie Thando is nice. But I don’t want her to be my mom.” She says. 

“Auntie Thando is not your mom.” 

“Good. Because Mikayla at school told me that now that my mom is gone, you going to forget about mommy, get me another mom, then have children with her and forget about me.” 

When did Mikayla learn all of this? How messed up are these kids to be saying such things at their age? 

“Rofhiwa, you are my princess. I will never forget about you. It’s me and you forever, baby girl.” 

She eats her ice-cream, leaving traces of it all around her mouth. I can’t believe I just had a conversation like that with my kid. This is the part of parenting that I did not think I’d be doing alone. 

We are home by 4pm, preparing to watch movies for the rest of the day. 

“Knock knock”, Thando says as she walks into my house with Tupperware. 

“Auntie Thando!” Rofhi shouts and runs to her. 

I need to find a girlfriend who will put Thando in her place. But Rofhi doesn’t want another mommy – not even the Auntie Thando she loves so much. Ja no, why did Lydia leave me? My life has become so tough in a split second.

Thando cannot just come in and out of my house as if she is the woman of this house. I’ve always known that she has a key to my house because of her relationship with Pearl, I’ve just never seen her use it. 

“Hey”. I greet her. 

“I thought I’d bring you guys some supper. It’s a home cooked meal.” She says. 

I will not say no to that. My stomach is already dancing.

“Thank you”, I say. 

“Thank you, Auntie Thando.” Rofhi. 

“And I’ve brought you some stuff that need your urgent attention, sir.” She says to me, giving me a smile I cannot read. 

I nod my head. 

Thando dishes up for us and we eat. After she washes the dishes, we do indeed get some work done. 

It is 11:30pm when we finish working, so I let Thando sleep over. She got Rofhibathed and ready for bed at 7:30pm. Again, I’m thankful. I want to… trust me, I want to smash. 

But I let her sleep in a spare bedroom instead.