Zee and I are at Shaka’s and Refiloe’s place. Khotso decided that he wants a shotgun wedding and now everyone is just busy being busy. Shaka and Zee are quite close. I see the fondness in Zee when he talks about Shaka. I think he looks at Shaka and takes him as the father he needed when he was growing up after his parents died. It’s just such a pity that my husband is being raised in the criminal life. But hey.
Refiloe is too young for us to think of her as a mother. She’s fine with Sis’Refiloe. I would have preferred to call her Aus’Refiloe because she is Sotho, but her man is Zulu, my man is Zulu and now we are forced into the Zulu way of doing things.

Fifi is so welcoming in her home. Banathi, Khabane and Mohale are honestly driving everyone crazy because if you do not see them in sight, they are somewhere creating a mess. Luhle tried to shout at them, shame, and these little things just laughed at her. I had to step in and tell them shit. Fifi seemed a bit emotional every time a child wanted her attention. I told Zee that it wouldn’t be easy for Fifi to have all these kids here. But Oluremi went home to prepare to be a wife. She couldn’t take Tholoana and Mohale for obvious reasons. The Mohales are staying here until the day after the wedding so Mohale and Tholoana are here. Teboho went to the Vaal with Oluremi – for support I suppose. Now Maboko is also sleeping here with Khabane and Ruri. With him, it makes sense. Fifi is his sister and it’s only normal to come to your sister for babysitting help when the wife is not around. Then, Zee is close to Shaka. This is Shaka’s house. I came with him because I felt that Fifi would need the assistance too because above and beyond having to host this shotgun wedding, she has all these men and their kids filling up her house who also expect to be fed.

“Hey girl”, Luhle says to me as I wash the slaughtered meat that will be cooked for the wedding. Fifi is somewhere with queen Kea and they were beginning to prepare the traditional beer.
“Hey lovely lady”, I say.
“How are you?”
“Ke shup. It’s just so busy here. Look at this. It’s only 2pm and I’ve already made 13000 steps.” She says as she shows me her smartwatch.
“Akere makoti is arriving in two days. Tomorrow, we have to be in the Vaal to watch Khotso take her.” I say.
“I don’t think I’m going to go. I’m going to stay here with Fifi and help her prepare.” She says.
“Luhle, who is going to help me with all these kids? If you stay, I’ll be the only woman on the road with them. No, please don’t do that to me.” I say.
She starts laughing. She actually proper laughs.
I just smile.
“I don’t even have an outfit for tomorrow. I’m only prepared for the second day traditional wedding in the morning and the white wedding that will be in the evening”, she says.
For a shotgun wedding, this is very organised. Plus, the wedding planner has been annoying everyone.
“You know what, I’ll actually also stay. The guys can go alone. We will have the real wedding here.” I say.
She starts ululating.
“You must teach me how to do that. I’ll do it with you”, I say.
“You are married to a Zulu man. How do you not know how to do it?” She says.
Fifi comes towards us and she starts ululating, Luhle joins her and some old people we don’t know do the same thing. Khotso is actually happy. He is very very happy. He even takes a video of the ululating and the song that breaks out as a result. Okay, I know the songs. I sing along. I even know how to dance to them and I do. Even Fifi. Yho, Fifi has a PHD in the dances, the ululating and leading the songs. Her voice!!!
I watch Shaka observe her with eyes of pure love. He just smiles and gazes at her. But it’s that gaze that only he can have for her. I think their wedding is coming soon.

We are in the house now and we have dished up for the men. They are headed to the Vaal in the next hour. They are all seated at the dining table and are eating.

“Baby, vele you just changed your mind on me?” Zee says to me.
The guys chuckle.
“I’m staying to help. Fifi needs the help.” I say.
“But I need you when we get there to sleep next to me.”
“You could always take the kids and they can sleep next to you”.
“Noooooooooooo! Hai hai hai. No thanks.” All the men at the table say, including Zee.
These guys!
“It’s going to be a sad ride there. Imoto nje yemzini wezinsizwa”, Shaka says.
The men laugh.
“Why do you think we are driving through the night? We want to arrive, do what we need to do and leave”, Morena says.
“They are keeping us there for the day because we have to have a traditional wedding for the Vaal community”, Khotso says.
“Yooooooooooohhhh! Hai hai hai!” These men woke up with a mandate to complain today. Us women are even laughing.
“We didn’t even book accommodation. We are not sleeping there”, Morena insists.
Us women are suddenly very grateful that we are not leaving.
“Baby, we are not jumping hoops like this when we get married, neh?” Shaka says to Fifi, catching her completely off guard.
We all look at her.
Kea is observing her so carefully.
“Uhm…” Fifi stutters.
“We are going to get married, baby. You know you are the rest of my life”, Shaka says.
Maboko doesn’t even know how to be.
“Is Rethabile coming with us?” Khotso asks Ona.
“She’s already in the Vaal. She was in Johannesburg for a medical conference, so she decided to just stay there. I’ll drive back with her so she doesn’t travel alone.” Ona replies.
“I think Lulu and I will then drive back with you guys”, Khotso says.
“That’s cool”, Ona.
“What car did she get after hers blew up?” Zithulele.
“Insurance settled with the bank. There were so many hoops she was expected to jump through and she’s kind of over it. I gave her Regodise’s GLE – the one I had bought for her. I just changed the number plates and put her THABI TK on it. It’s not like any of us were ever going to drive it anyway.”
There is this cold air that just runs through everyone. No one says anything. Ona is also a bit sad.
“But ja, she changed a bit on it. She changed the seats and manipulated the interior. It does feel like a new car, so I don’t really get weird feelings driving it”, Ona says.
I’d change everything too. What woman wouldn’t?

“Let’s go, gentlemen.” Shaka says.
Everyone gets up and is saying goodbye to their wife or girlfriend or child. The men finally leave.

…

The Mohales are busy negotiating the rest of my life while I’m in here with Teboho, Thabi and Thando. I wonder what will happen if they cannot reach a conclusion on my lobola because the tents are set, decor is done and the community is expecting a wedding to start at 11am.

“Why are they taking so long? What’s going on?” I text Khotso.
He sends me smiley faces.
“????” I text him.
“Baby, please relax. They are almost done.” He texts me back.
“But the wedding is supposed to start at 11am. It’s already 9am. They’ve been in there since 6am. Khotso, I’m worried.” I text him.
He phones me back immediately.
“Babe”, I answer the phone.
“Please breathe. Please.” He says.
“Khotso, why is it taking so long? Is my family being unreasonable? Do I need to go and speak to my dad?”
“Lulu, breathe!”
I breathe.
“Everything is fine. Your family just wanted cash and walking cows. We had sent guys to go and fetch the cows. They are here now and we are about to conclude”. He says.
Then I hear the ululating in the lounge area where these negotiations were taking place. I also breathe out a sigh of relief.
“You are my wife now, baby. Relax. You not going to ever have to stress about another thing in life”, he says.
I laugh.
“Plus, do you know how many threats I’ve already received? If they see you crying, they will take me back to Nigeria and deal with me”, he says.
I can’t stop laughing.
He’s such an idiot.
“I love you, baby.” He says to me.
“I love you too, husband.” I say.

Teboho, Thabi and Thando are now singing amongst the three of them. They are drunk, actually.
My aunt walks in to fetch me.
My three supporters find a way to get up and clean up then accompany me to my groom. My dress is stunning. Tebza’s designer did the damn things in a very short space of time.
The singing has started and as I get to the lounge area, I see Khotso there looking so handsome.
He smiles at me. Ona smiles at him. This is going to be a happy day. It has to be.

I’m now standing in front of Khotso as people are still singing. He kisses me and I actually kiss him back. The singing gets louder and I’m not sure what this means. But I’m happy. I’m so fricken happy. I love this man. I really do. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else. I want him.

We didn’t prepare a step because we only had less than a week to put this wedding together, plus, my husband is still in physio and is still recovering. He cannot stand up for too long, let alone dance and do steps in the street.
As a result, we basically walk to the tent where we will be seated and we sit as people follow us in. We were hoping to start at 11am, but it’s 9H45am and the yard is already full.
Apparently, Morena wants us out of here by lunch time. Tholoana Kingdom is nine hours away from here. Tomorrow, I’m being accepted into the Mohale family then we have our white wedding in the evening.

All the women are there making sure that I have a flawless wedding. I’ve planned a surprise spa day for all of them just to say thank you.
“You look so beautiful”, he says to me.
“And you look so handsome. Can you see all these girls eyeing you?”
“Well, my eyes are stuck on you. My heart is yours now. Forever.”
“Baby, you’d never hurt me the way that you did ever again, right?” I say.
He holds my hand then says, “I love you, Oluremi. I made a mistake. I’ve learned my lesson. From this day forward, I’m going to do right by you.”
I kiss him.
“Good. Because…”
“Because…?” Him.
“I took a home pregnancy test this morning. It came back positive.” I say.
His eyes widen.
“But we’ve only had sex once in the past four months. It was that night that the salt got to you too and punishing me didn’t make sense for that one night”, he says.
“Are you saying you don’t think it’s yours?” What does he mean by this statement exactly?
“No. I’m saying that my swimmers are top quality of strength.” Mxm! This guy!
“I’m quite nervous because of my condition. But I’ll phone my gynae after all of this.” I say.
“The male gynae?” Him.
“He is a good gynaecologist. He delivered Ruri.” I say.
“Maboko let another man touch his wife like that?”
“Maboko understands that this is work for him.”
“Baby, could you please be open to seeing my mom’s gynaecologist. Please. She is just as great and she delivered Mohale and Tholoana.”
“Oh, so she keeps your dirty secrets too? Tholoana was even delivered in Tholoana Kingdom in secret?”
He is quiet.
“Look, a gynae is someone I need to be comfortable with. That’s the person who will be helping us on this journey of bringing a human being into the world. It’s serious to me. But I also understand why you feel the way that you do. So, we will go to a maternity hospital and meet new people. Then we can both decide who should be on this journey with us and who will be the first medical professionals to touch our child when our child comes into the world. Your mom’s gynae is already someone I cannot trust because her interests are more aligned to the interests of the Mohales, not mine.”
He looks at me for a long time then says, “You are a Mohale now.”
“I know. I just –
“It’s fine. We will go to the maternity hospital.” He says.
“Are you happy about being a father?” I ask him.
He pulls me towards his chest and kisses the top of my head. Then he says, “I’m so thankful for you. We only had sex once! Once in the past four months! And my soldiers worked hard. I’m proud.”
I laugh.
He is such an idiot.

The speeches here go on and on. After that, we have dancers performing for us. Lunch is served and as we eat, I see Ona and morena walking up to where we are sitting.
“Thabi and Tebza have packed your bags into the car. Will you want to change before we hit the road?” Ona asks me.
It’s 11H30am.
“Okay.” I say.
“It’s going to rain and we want to drive safely.” Morena says.
“I’m driving down with Thabi, Tebza and Thando. We will be driving in Thabi’s car”, I say.
They all look at each other.
“One of our security guys will drive for you guys”, morena says.
I always forget that they are this kind of family. Ai!
“Let’s go change, baby.” Khotso says.

We get up and we make our way to my bedroom. Someone has already moved in here.
I lock the door. Tebza left a dress out for me – a casual travel-lite kind of dress.
I love it.

Khotso helps me out of my dress and before I wear my traveling dress, we do the dance just to celebrate our potential baby on board. I say potential because Google tells me that sometimes, a home pregnancy test can be wrong. I even emphasize this to Khotso because I don’t want him announcing it to his family and friends until a doctor has confirmed it.
When we are done, I wear the dress, clean myself up then we both head out. Our cars are ready to go. We have two security cars ahead of us and two behind us.
“We will see you tomorrow, baby girl. We are leaving here at 4pm. I just don’t want to leave all of these people who have come here for a wedding.” My mom explains.
“I understand, mommy. Drive safely, okay?” I say.
We hug then I get into the GLE. The V250 follows behind our car. All roads lead to Tholoana Kingdom.

…

There is a singing battle happening right now at Uncle Shaka’s gate. It is a roar of a battle. My family were smart enough to bring back up singers and dancers and LET ME TELL YOU! We are bringing it. The Mohales have singers, dancers and people playing the drums. Everyone is singing. Everyone is dancing. Even the kids. They are dancing as if they spent the whole night practicing.
This is so beautiful. I’m getting super emotional.
My Nigerian aunts and uncles also bring it and they are out here making it rain. They are dancing and throwing money in the air. The way I want to just bend down and pick up this money. Yoh!
The white people in this rather uptight neighbourhood are watching us, amazed and fascinated I suppose.

Finally, the gate opens and my family is let inside the yard. But it is singing and dancing and drums and and and…

The traditional part of the day takes about thirty minutes. Then as people go and eat, Tebza, Thando and I follow Fifi to the room where we will be getting ready. These are my bridesmaids. I had to get one more person to join the squad because Khotso has Ona, Maboko and my brother, Malcolm. I asked Letlali. Outside of Tebza, she’s one of the real friends I have around here.

The white wedding is only starting at 4pm. So honestly, I use this time to take a nap. I’m super exhausted!

…

“Who are you?” Mohale asks me. I’m trying to change him and have him ready for the wedding because he is one of the ring-bearers. He’s not even giving me a chance. Between him and his screaming brother, Tholoana, I’m five minutes away from losing my mind.
“My name is Thabi”, I say to him.
“Why can’t you make my brother stop crying?” Mohale asks me.
I wish this didn’t have to be my job.

Ona’s mother walks in. Tholoana’s screaming must have invited her in. She’s with Fifi.
“Is everything okay in here?” She asks. I can barely breathe.
I just leave both kids alone and I walk out of the bedroom. She can deal with them.
It’s also just so full in here. You bump into someone every seven seconds. Agh!
“Are you okay?” Ona suddenly appears before me and asks me.
I look at him.
“Your kids don’t like me. Mohale wouldn’t even give me a break and Tholoana wouldn’t stop crying. They didn’t even let me dress them up for today. A simple task. That’s it. Your mom is in there with them and she’s helping them get ready.” I say.
“Thabi, just calm down. They are kids. They’ll take chances with you and push your buttons to see how far they can go with you. Don’t let it get to you. Especially around Mohale. That one will bully you into believing you are a shit mother.” He says.
I just sob.
“Thabi, you deal with children of all ages all the time in your homes. Surely, you’ve met worse than my two.” He says.
“They don’t see me as their mother. Not the way that they see Oluremi. Mohale even asked me who I was and why I couldn’t make his brother stop crying like his mother always does”, I say.
“Lulu has spent a lot of time with them. She came into their lives before Mohale could even speak. She’s been raising them with Dise and when Dise passed away, she took over as their mother full time. Of course they are used to her by now. You’ll also find your own way around them. Come on. Mohale is too small to be making you want to run out on me already.” He says.
I just wipe my tears and nod my head.
“Come. Let’s go to the car so you can have some beer with me.” He says.
“Beer? Nope. Wine will do, thanks.” I say.
He laughs.
As he holds my hand and tries to move me to the car, the fat brat stops us and says, “Hey future husband. Hey first wife”.
I mean really… who does that?
“My love. You don’t love me anymore wena”, Ona entertains this shit.
“It’s so busy here. Angisho my brother-in-law-to-be woke up feeling romantic on Saturday and now the next Saturday, we are planning and catering at a wedding.” She says.
Ona laughs and says, “We are going to have some wine and beer. Join us.”
What in the actual fuck?!
“I also want you to hold my hand. There shall be no discrimination kulesithembu”, she says.
I actually just want to get into my car and go home.
Yho hai!

Ona is sitting inside the V250 we arrived with. I am standing just outside of the door. Guess where Luhle is sitting?
Yep, on Ona’s lap drinking Brutal Fruit.
How are Ona’s legs not becoming weaker than Khotso’s legs?
I need to speak to Ona and understand the nature of this relationship between himself and Luhle because honestly, it pisses me off and I’m getting to a point where I can no longer hold it in.

I just fill up my glass with wine and start drinking. Ona just decides to gas-light me unprovoked and says, “We would make a nice family, wouldn’t we? Look at my two future wives? So beautiful and you actually get along.”
I wonder what gave him that idea.
Luhle is the one laughing like a disturbing Tellytubby then says, “How would you split yourself between us, love? Phela there’s one of you and two of us.”
I just sip my wine because this conversation is annoying me.
“Mondays are for the first wife. Tuesdays are for my second wife. And Wednesdays will be reserved for the three of us to have a threesome. Thursday we take a break and we start again on Friday. We must be creative with our weekend specials.” Ona says and Luhle laughs hard! I hate the way she laughs. Honestly, she really sounds like a disturbing Tellytubby on trial for being a paedophile.
“Threesome? But that’s going to make us hate each other”, Luhle says.
I already hate her. I don’t need a threesome to confirm that.
“Why? We are all one big family. What’s the point of having more than one wife if I can’t have both of you together?” Ona asks.
Luhle is in STITCHES! She is laughing so much and that disturbing laugh of hers forces me to laugh too. And I genuinely didn’t intent to laugh, shame.
Ona smiles at me.
“Ladies, I need to go and fulfil my best man duties. Please take care of each other. Remember, we are a family. Love, please look after Thabi. Mohale gave her hell”, Ona says. Then he leaves.

“You’ll get used to him. He’s such an idiot”, Luhle tells me.
I just nod my head and drink my wine.
“Soon, we will be doing this for you. Then it will be someone else’s turn to be a bit depressed. The point is that you’ll be fine and Mohale terrorises everyone”, she keeps saying and laughs by herself.
I don’t know what the point of this conversation is.

We end up going back into the house. I find a minute to myself and I sneak out. I book myself into a hotel online and just drive there. I really don’t want to be here. Maybe if I spend a minute or two with myself, I’ll feel a little bit better.

I arrive at the Tau Hotel and check in. I pay for the room that I have booked and I make my way to the hotel room. I throw myself on the bed immediately and I actually breathe! I just breathe. At this rate, I might not even go to this damn wedding.

Anyway, let me introduce myself properly.

My name is Rethabile Constance Sebata. I am the first and only child to my father’s fourth and most beautiful wife, Latifah Sebata. My mother was a diplomat and she loved to refer to herself as a global citizen. I could understand why. She was a brilliant international relations influencer and she knew how to rub shoulders with the right people. But that obviously meant that I had to go to boarding school very early in my life. I was six years old when she dropped me off my first hostel and told me to be a good girl for my teachers. I was safer at boarding school than what I was at home. When you are the daughter of a high-profile politician in a country such as Tholoana Kingdom, there is absolutely no one walking in that province that you can trust.

When I was sixteen, my mom passed away. My father always said that she was involved in a car accident. The news reported that my mom passed away execution style and she was killed at my father’s wedding to his seventh wife. Three of my dad’s wives died that day, my mom was one of them.

From the day that I buried my mother, I could never be in Tholoana Kingdom again. So, I got onto a plane and left the damn place. I’ve lived everywhere. I’ve operated in various countries. I’ve gained my experience while running away, fell in love with the father of douche-lords and today I’m back here – at home – being prepared to marry the next king of Tholoana Kingdom.

I don’t really know how to describe my relationship with Ona. I don’t believe that we truly understand each other. Ona likes being a clown in uncomfortable situations and I don’t understand it. As a king, people’s lives are dependent on your thought process and sometimes, Ona doesn’t seem to process much before he opens his mouth. He is intentionally offensive and I don’t understand what he gets out of that. Sometimes he’s sweet and understanding. He knows how to hug me and make me feel like having sex with him would be the best thing my body would ever experience. Then there are times where his attitude repulses me.
We said that we are trying to get to know each other better. If I’m being honest, the more I get to know him, the less attracted I become. He is a good-looking man. He and his brother are very good-looking men. The only people who like him are people who now officially dismiss them as “it’s how they are” and it’s not okay.

I pull out my laptop and put on a movie. As the laptop is starting up, I change out of this outfit that I am in. I order room service and get settled into the bed. I think I will watch a cute romantic movie.
I switch off my phone because I’m actually not interested in the nuptials happening at the Maphumulo house.

At about 4pm, I start streaming the wedding from my laptop. We see people arriving at the venue. It’s such a beautiful venue. The decor looks amazing. We see people chatting about and enjoying welcome drinks.
Then we see people taking their seats and it seems that the wedding is about to start.
A children’s choir takes a stage that has been created there. So much drama. Yoh.
Some of the children start humming a melody and one of the children starts reading. He reads then passes the book onto someone else to read as the others hum. Olu’s favourite passages out of her favourite books are being read out as the men walk down the aisle. This is very different. And it’s beautiful. The guys are wearing purple suit jackets with black suit pants. Khotso is walked down by both his parents. He is wearing an all-black tux. Then the women walk down the aisle. Their dresses are pastel purple, yet super elegant. I’ve never seen colour look that beautiful at an elegant wedding. After them, the kids walks down the aisle together: the evil Mohale, the naughty Banathi and the obnoxious Khabane. They are all in black suits. Khabane needs an age mate. He’s way older than Mohale and Banathi. By not having his own age mate, he becomes as shitty as the little two.

Finally, the bride walks down the aisle in her dress that is designed with seshweshwe material and beads. This one thinks that she is going to be queen. You can just see it. The beads and extra bling expose the Nigerian in her. Then the material flaunts the Sotho in her. But it’s nice. She looks nice. When she walks down the aisle, the kids read out something poetically – it’s a love chapter that she has written for Khotso. She is walked down the aisle by her parents.

Okay, now that I’ve seen the hype, I’m switching off this damn thing and going back to my movie. The wedding is trending online and people are even comparing Oluremi to Fikile – the ex. Then, the wedding itself is being compared to Linda’s and Maboko’s wedding, referring to Teboho’s and Maboko’s wedding as a backstreet wedding because it wasn’t televised.
The people of Tholoana Kingdom are horrible people. I wonder what they will be saying about me on my wedding day.

…

I’ve been invited to perform a special surgery in Johannesburg, so I have to fly out now to be there on time.
I really have to get an apartment this side of town if I’m going to be seeing Ona. I can’t live in hotels like this and constantly live outside of my suitcase.
As I get ready to leave, Ona phones me. Only now he sees that I’m not in the same space as him? I guess his brother was getting married, so I had no business demanding his attention.
“Hey”, I answer my phone.
“Hey. Are you good? Where are you? No one has seen you since yesterday.” He says. Is he not ashamed?
“I’m at a hotel. I needed some space. But I’m flying out to Johannesburg now for that surgery I told you about”. I say.
“Thabi, are you still upset about what happened with Mohale and Tholoana?” He asks me.
“No. I just need to work”, I say.
“Okay. I’d come to Johannesburg with you, but I have to stay here for work and to be here with the boys.” He says.
“Okay. I’ll call you when I’m back in Tholoana Kingdom”, I tell him.
He says okay then hangs up.

I would have loved to be in a love filled relationship, truly… I would have loved it. But, an arranged marriage is what I got. I can’t mess it up even if I wanted to. I’m thirty years old. I’m unmarried. My father’s wives are on my case about it because if I’m unmarried, I’m in their space too much. And they all know that I blame them for my mother’s death. Now they all blame me for my father’s death because he was with me when he passed away at Regodise’s funeral. So, the best thing is for me to just stay away from home and the best way for me to leave on good terms is to leave through marriage.
Ona is a good catch for my situation. He looks after me, he is the next king and as it stands, I’d be his only wife for now. I’m his first breathing wife because the first wife is dead, so that in itself comes with a status I need to show these wives and their children that I’m better than all of them. Being a specialised surgeon doesn’t cut it with them because they don’t know what it means. All the homes that I have opened and the hospital that I have built – they mean zero to them because they don’t see them as the world does. But getting married to Onaleruna Mohale will seal the deal for me. Imagine!

I get on the plane and take off to Johannesburg, parking my car at Tholoana airport. I’ll be back here tomorrow and try again at being Ona’s next wife.