If there’s one thing about Aus’Mpho, she will sing louder than the birds to tell you that the sun is up. Every time Wehweh says that she’s going to reprimand her about this singing, I tell her to let her be. She’s praising her God. But right now, I’m tired. I have a headache. I’m still half drunk.

Aus’Mpho is the domestic worker that works here at Wehweh’s place. She’s had two before. The first one – Aus’Salome – got fired because she refused to clean up after Sasi, Zozo, Gugu and Ziwe. She also refused to do my laundry. She got fired.

The second one – Aus’Mopheme – was too forward. I thought she was funny. She was also very talkative. Wehweh felt like she was super forward, had an opinion about everything and spoke more than she worked. Sasi always took chances with her. Always. The things she’d trick that poor woman to do! So ja, she left.

Aus’Mpho then came in. She just likes to sing. She can sing yena shame. But yoh… time and place. She is being assisted by Aus’Dimakatso. The two helpers thing is new. She explained why there’s two instead of one, but I still don’t get it. 

“AUNTIE MPHO, YOU ARE MAKING A NOISE!” I hear Sasi yell.

Wehweh laughs.

Wehweh is still in bed with me. 

I just laugh too. What else am I going to do? 

Sasi is in her bedroom, so she yelled loud enough for us to hear her.

“TELL HER! I TOLD YOU TO STOP PRACTICING YOUR CHOIR SONGS SO EARLY IN THE MORNING. WA RASA MAHN!” Aus’Dimakatso says.

There are too many women in this house.

Now we hear Sasi headed downstairs and talking to the domestic workers. 

Before I can get my bearings, I feel Wehweh giving me a blow job. 

I enjoy it so much that I cum before I plan to. This is followed by a few rounds of sex. 

–

We are all showered up and ready to head out. Wehweh has also bathed Sasi. 

She’s giving the domestic workers instructions for the day. You can just tell that she grew up with staff all around her.

“Daddy, why doesn’t Auntie Wehweh come with us anymore when you drop me off at mom’s house? Why does she have to stay in Pretoria when you take me to Mhluzi?” Sasi asks me.

Sasi loves Wehweh. She really does. But Wehweh and Lindiwe have become water and oil – they DO NOT MIX. They even fought in front of Sasi once and I was just so angry that my child had to witness that. Lindiwe and I are still not on speaking terms. At all. I even hear that she has a new boyfriend now. 

“Are you guys ready to leave?” Wehweh enquires. 

“I don’t want to go”, Sasi says.

“Why not, baby girl?” Wehweh asks her.

I’m glad she’s managing this. She is really good at managing Sasi. She’s even sitting on the floor now, Sasi slightly towering over her at the moment.

“I don’t like being at Mhluzi. Granny is always drunk. My siblings don’t like me anymore. Mom is also never home. And when she comes home, she comes home hurt. My brother and sister say that her new boyfriend beat her up. I don’t want to see that”, Sasi says.

I don’t know why I’m angry, but I’m very angry that my child is exposed to such. 

Wehweh is also in shock and she cannot hide it.

I’m already dialling Lindiwe on my cell, leaving Wehweh and Sasi together in the welcome area of Wehweh’s place.

“Mnqobi, sawubona“, Lindiwe answers her phone.

“What are you exposing my child to, wena?!” I immediately attack her.

“Ukhuluma ngani, Mnqobi?” She asks me very arrogantly.

“You said your mother had recovered from her alcoholism”, I say.

“She has”, Lindiwe.

“Lindiwe, don’t lie to me. If you lie to me, I’ll open a case against you and take Sasi away from you. You’ll never have access to her again. I’ll tell the court how much of an unfit mother you are.” I say. 

She’s quiet.

“Lindiwe, didn’t you tell me wena that when your mother was drunk, men came to the house and she would let them rape you and your sisters? Now you put my daughter in that position?” Me.

She’s now crying.

“Lindiwe, what kind of a mother are you?” I’m so angry hey.

“Mnqobi”, I hear Wehweh call me.

I look at her.

She signals that I must come to her.

“I’m not bringing Sasi today. Do you hear me?!” I say, then I hang up.

I go to Wehweh. 

Sasi is crying now.

“What’s wrong, Sasi?” I ask. I’m still a bit heated.

Wehweh is hugging her.

“He touched me here”, Sasi says, pointing at her private area.

I’m overwhelmed by emotions. I even cry.

I punch a fist through the closest wall to me. My fist is bleeding and there’s a hole in the wall.

“Did he -“

I can’t even finish my sentence.

“No baby”, Wehweh says. I feel her hand on me.

“Who was it?” I ask.

“Lindiwe knows everything”, Wehweh says.

I instantly leave the house… and Wehweh doesn’t stop me.

–

I arrive in South Africa just after 9am – I was thankfully able to use our private jet out. 

Banathi is fetching me in an awkwardly small car. He looks so awkward and uncomfortable in that car. He’s too big to be driving such a small car.

“And then?” Khabane asks me. He and Rea flew down with me.

“Do you own a beauty business or something?” Rea.

“No. P for Polished is Palesa’s beauty business”, I explain. 

I’m trying very hard not to laugh.

“Is that supposed to be a company car?” Banathi.

Seeing Banathi climb out of the car is what makes us burst into laughter. He even looks so uncomfortable. 

“Are we all going to fit in that small box?” Khabane says.

“You know that we are big guys, right? We are not short and skraal like these South African men”, Rea.

I’m still laughing.

“Get in. It will get us from point A to point B comfortably. Come on!” Banathi says.

He also wants to laugh, but a bigger part of him wants us to respect his woman and her hustle. Like I said, he must really like this girl.

This car, ladies and gentlemen, is what we take to Mhluzi. Worse, it’s a small manual car. Ai! 

We are all in this car and it’s so uncomfortable. It’s very difficult to hide our discomfort. 

“Banathi, you need your buy your woman a car! And buy her decent cars for her business. This car is not the best marketing strategy, please.” Khabane says. 

“When she’s my wife, I will. I’m not buying anything that costs more than R50k for a girlfriend. I don’t care how beautiful she is.” Banathi says. 

He definitely took after my father with his stinginess. Stru! 

I’ve already briefed the gents what happened this morning and what Sasi told Wehweh and I. I also found out that the man who’s touching my child inappropriately is Lindiwe’s new boyfriend. What makes me even more upset is that Lindiwe knows. Yet, she keeps exposing this child to that filth that she’s sleeping with.

I phoned Banks to ask him if he knows anything and why he and Lindiwe are separating. I know I don’t care about Lindiwe’s life, but my answer could be in what Banks had to say. 

He told me that the kids that Lindiwe said are his are not his. Though he understands that they were not conceived by cheating – Lindiwe was repeatedly raped by her mother’s husband and these kids came along – she had no right to put them on him. Apparently, her mother told her to do that. He then even told me to get Sasi checked out. She might not be mine. Lindiwe is just vile like that. My stomach turned in seven different directions. Sasi is my child. I’ve raised her. Her last name is Khuzwayo. Sasi is my child. Lindiwe would never test me like that. If Sasi is not biologically mine, I’m going to murder her and keep Sasi anyway. But I’m not ready to do that DNA test. I’m not! When I told Wehweh, her words were “Sasi is our child. And we are never having this conversation again!” But I can’t stop thinking about Banks’ words. He even told me that the only reason he’s prepared to fix things with Lindiwe is because he raised those kids and he doesn’t need the same trauma happening to them. What a man!

We arrive at home address that one of our guys gave to us, guaranteeing us that Lindiwe lives here with this guy of hers. It’s a nice house in the township… big, aesthetically appealing, but it’s in the township. Lindiwe used to hate the township when we were together. She’d even refuse to go to my establishments in the township because it triggered her and all her trauma. But here she is, shacking up with someone who is sexually harassing our daughter in a township. 

We walk into the house without knocking or anything. 

“Lindiwe!” I keep yelling for her.

“Lindiwe!” Me.

Now we all yell and look for her. 

We find her in the main bedroom’s insuite bathroom. Shes lying in a pool of her own blood. 

What the hell did this guy do to her?!

“She still has a pulse. But we need to get her to a hospital”, Rea says.

“I need to phone Wehweh”, I say.

That’s the first thing that came to my mind.

“What?!” Banathi.

“I need to phone Wehweh. I’m not losing her over helping Lindiwe. I need to make sure that I’m allowed to help her”, I say.

They are all so shocked. Yes, if Wehweh says she must die, she dies.

“Baby?” Wehweh says as she answers her phone.

“We just found Londiwe lying in a pool of her own blood. Rea says she still has a pulse, but she needs to get to the hospital urgently. I didn’t touch her. I need your permission to help her. If you say no, I’ll leave her here to die”, I say.

The looks on all these men’s faces! 

“It’s okay, baby. Help her. Call me when you get to the hospital”, she says.

“I love you, MaRadebe”, I say. 

“I love you, Qwabe”, she says.

I hang up.

“Can we help her?” Banathi.

I nod my head. 

Khabane and Rea carry her to the car. Now we will be stuck in a small car with a bleeding and still body?! Ja no, Banathi must buy Palesa a car!

I phoned Banks to meet us at the hospital. On our call, he spoke about fixing things with Lindiwe. Plus, legally, she is still his wife. So he’s here with us and we are all waiting to hear what happened and if Lindiwe will be okay. 

Banks is actually stressed. He’s even sweating and everything. He really loves her. I guess I should’ve known that he loves her when he called Sasi his kid in front of the world… or when he told me he’d work things out with Lindiwe because of kids that are not his – after Lindiwe lied to him and made him raise kids that are not his. 

His team mates from the NFR Legends arrive in their numbers. He now feels vulnerable and even cries. I decide to give them space then phone Wehweh. 

“Love”, she answers her phone.

I love all these words of endearment that she calls me by.

“MaRadebe”, me.

“Everything okay?” 

“The doctors haven’t told us yet what happened to her or if she’s going to be okay or not”, I say.

“I’m so sorry, sthandwa sami”, she says.

“Banks is here with all his teammates. So we are all just waiting”, I say.

“Will you be home tonight?” She asks me.

“Definitely”, I say.

“Okay. I took Sasi to see a therapist. I don’t want this to mess her up. I think the session was okay, but I’ll take her to at least four more and see how she is. Your mom came with us”, she says.

I honestly appreciate Wehweh so much.

“I love you so much, MaRadebe. And thank you for loving my child.” I say.

“She’s mine too.” She says.

I smile. 

“She’s in our bed now. I’m doing some assignment while she naps. We can’t wait for you to get home”, she says.

“I will be home soon. I love you”, me.

“I love you too, Qwabe”, she says.

We hang up. 

“Bafo, the doctor is speaking to Banks”, Banathi tells me. 

We walk to the area where the doctor is. 

I just hear that she will be fine. She was just badly beaten up and raped. The doctor leaves. 

Banks phones someone and instructs them to get the kids, all their belongings and Lindiwe’s belongings from Lindiwe’s mother’s house. This person must take all this stuff to his house in Tholoana Kingdom. 

He then also requests that Lindiwe be moved to Royal Mohale Private Hospital. She will be treated there. 

My phone rings. 

I answer it. 

“Sho”.

“Bozza, we have the man.” My guy says. This is the man that hurt my child!

…

He walks into the house completely drained. I can just tell that he had a long day. There are some bloodstains on his clothes, so I know that someone died. And I’m not shocked. I’m relieved. I don’t know what’s going to happen as far as Sasi is concerned. But we are all officially uncomfortable with Sasi being in the primary care of her mother. From what I understand, Mnqobi’s parents have gone to Mhluzi to speak to Lindiwe’s elders to take Sasi permanently. 

I wrap my arms around his neck to welcome him home. 

He focuses on my mouth, then back to my eyes, then back to my mouth. “MaRadebe”, he whispers. He calls me by my clan name so softly I’m not even sure if his mouth moves. I don’t have time to respond. His hand leaves the button of my shirt and slides through my dress, caressing my thighs at the same moment as his lips connect fiercely with mine. He puts his body on top of me while we stand here, picking up my entire left leg and throwing it over his hip… his finger makes its way inside of my vagina- easily so because I am not even wearing a panty underneath my short shirt dress, and his kiss instantly becomes intense. Deep. Dominating. His kiss is full of something that’s never been there before. Full of feeling that he’s expressing to me for the first time. 

I pull down his tracksuit pants and his underwear at the same time. He kicks it all off then he picks me up and puts me on the kitchen counter. 

We stare into each other’s eyes. 

“I’m yours”, I whisper. 

He slides his penis inside of me. 

He thrusts. 

He thrusts. 

He thrusts. 

I’m moaning now. 

He’s moaning too. 

He thrusts. 

He thrusts.

I scream. 

He cums. 

My entire body is shaking. 

–

I’m preparing dinner now as my father phones me. Mnqobi is in the study doing something. Sasi is playing with Zozo, Gugu and Ziwe. Banathi’s dad dropped them off an hour ago because he wanted to go and do something with Banathi’s mom. 

“Hi baba”, I answer my phone.

“My baby girl, kunjani?” 

“I’m good, baba. Wena unjani?” 

“I’m alright. I’ve been thinking a lot”, he says.

“About?” Me. 

“Maybe trying again at this marriage thing”, he says.

“Marriage thing? You want to get married?” 

“Yeah. I think Slindile and I are there.” 

“That’s good, baba. I’m happy for you. I say go for it. You know that you deserve the happiness and love that marriage is designed to bring into one’s life.” 

He laughs, as if relieved that I’m not against this. 

“She’s already moved in. It’s possible that she might want her children to live with us as well”, he says.

I don’t know why that hurts me. 

“Why?” I find myself saying in an insolent tone. 

And he doesn’t miss it. 

“What do you mean why?” He asks me that. 

“Where’s their father? Why are they your problem?” Me. 

“Nomawethu, why would you say that? These are her kids. She lives with them. If she moves, they move with her.” 

“Didn’t you say they are old?” I ask. 

“Her first born is 31 and her second born is 17.” He says. That sounds old enough to me. 

“Ay okay”, I say. He’s already supporting them anyway. 

“Baby girl, what’s going on?” He asks me.

“Bazohlala ekhaya. In my space. Probably have unlimited access to my room. Can I even still consider that space my home?” 

“Nomawethu, how can you say that?”

I take a deep breath. 

For some reason, a tear slips from my eye. 

“It’s okay, baba. It’s your house anyway. I can’t tell you what to do. I’m really happy for you. Congratulations.” I say, but tears are stuck in my throat. I don’t know why I’m so emotional about the kids moving in, I’ve never even met them. Why can’t their father take them?! Why must they live off mine?

“Wehweh —

“I’m okay, dad. Seriously”, I say. 

“Okay. I know you are not okay. But we will talk. I love you, nkosazana yami.” 

“I love you too, dad. Bye.” Me. 

We hang up. 

I have a moment to myself and I find myself struggling to hold the tears back. 

Mnqobi’s hand holds me unexpectedly. 

I quickly attempt to pull myself together, but I fail and Mnqobi sees it. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” He asks me. 

I shake my head. 

He pulls me into a hug. I become vulnerable with him. 

“My dad is getting married. And I’m happy for him. I like Sis’Slee – especially for him”, I say. 

“So, are these tears of joy?” Mnqobi says, confused. 

“He says her kids will be moving in. I don’t know why that hurts me so much. Why can’t they go to their own father. Why must they be in my space?! In my home?! Replacing me in my father’s house?! I mean, my father probably does everything for them anyway. Why must they move in?! Why?! Where’s their dad?” 

I feel him holding me tighter. 

After I’ve had myself a good cry, we sit down on a couch in the tv room. 

“No one will ever replace you. No one. Your dad loves you too much. No one will ever be intandokazi yakhe. That is something that is reserved just for you in his life”, he says to me.

“What if they disrespect him? What if they don’t take care of him like I know he’s already taking care of them?” 

“No one will ever be you to him, Wehweh. But you have to let him live and love – with everything that that comes with. Imagine if you had a kid and I was prepared to be that child’s father, but Sasi felt how you feel”, he says. 

“I get it. And I’ll probably warm up to the idea. I just feel like those kids can live with a relative or something. They don’t need to be crowding and burdening my dad”, I say. 

“Ha Wehweh!” 

I’m quiet now. 

“Im sorry. I know I’m being a brat. I’ll be fine eventually”, I say as I make my way up the stairs. 

I just need a moment.

…

I don’t know why Mnqobi let me  live. He should’ve let me die. I heard him ask for permission from Wehweh to let me live. She gave him permission to let me live. She shouldn’t have. On top of that, the Khuzwayos went to my family and basically took all my rights away as Sasi’s mother. I don’t deserve that. I’ve made some mistakes in my life and I’ve been punished enough. But to take my child away from me?! Sasi is the only child that I have that was not conceived as a result of rape. She’s my hope out of all my kids. My hope that maybe the world is not so bad after all. My hope that maybe love is possible. 

I don’t believe in love. I never have. I never will. 

Mnqobi never loved me. At some point, I did believe that he does. But he proved that he didn’t. Maybe love does exist, but there’s none in store for me. 

Banks tries to love me. But I’m too broken. I’m a mess. And I’ve been honest about my brokenness. My mother’s lover used to rape my sisters and I since I were eight. He said it was our way of paying rent for living in his house, eating his food and depending on him in a way that we couldn’t even depend on our mother because our mother was unemployed. He’d always tell us how no one else was prepared to take us in because my mom was such a whore. So we had to pay to be supported by him. 

My mom would always come in our bedroom after this man had raped us and tell us to not mention it to anyone. She said it was a family secret that had nothing to do with anyone. 

I got discovered as a model and actor when I was sixteen. I left home and never looked back. But I had to sleep with people for every role I got, every gig I got and every exposure I got. For the international gigs, I’d have to attend orgy sessions and sometimes be violated by five men at the same time. 

When I met Mnqobi – my first boyfriend – I thought my fate was changing. I thought I’d finally be protected. Mnqobi never raped me or anything, but he cheated. He abused me emotionally and mentally. Banks was safe for me. That’s why I cheated on Mnqobi with Banks. Mnqobi has always made me feel like a slut for it, and that’s very triggering for me because that’s what my mom’s husband called me since I was eight years old. 

The rape has never stopped. 

Even now… every time I visit my mother, he continues. Now it’s more violent because I fight him. But he doesn’t stop. I have two kids by him that I had to pass on to Banks. 

I’m packing my bag in my hospital ward now that I’m dressed in my NFR Wag tracksuit in hospital. I’m being discharged today. 

Banks walks into the ward with flowers. 

“Hey”, he greets me. 

“Hey”, I say. 

He hugs me. I return the hug. 

“These are for you”, he says, giving me the flowers. 

“Thank you. I need to go back to Mhluzi to get my kids and – 

“They are already at the house. We are just waiting for you to come home”, he says. 

This guy is too good for me. 

Before I can show any emotion, he holds my bag for me and leads me out the ward. 

The drive back home is silent. He’s driving. I’m in his passenger seat. 

We get to our house after a twenty minute drive. 

He walks me into the house. 

My kids are indeed here – except for Sasi. I miss my baby. 

After I’ve said hi to my kids – seeing how happy they are to be back here – I head to my bedroom. I saw my helpers here and there. But they stay in the maid’s quarters unless they are working in the main house. 

It’s just Banks and I in this bedroom now, and I just know that we are about to really talk.

“What are my kids and I doing here, Batile?” I initiate the conversation.

“This is your home”, he says.

“My home? Our home? A home that you can just kick us out of?” 

“I was hurt, Lindiwe. I was angry.” 

“Then it’s not a home. If it’s conditional on how you are feeling, it’s not our home.” 

“Lindiwe please… are you at least going to acknowledge that you really hurt me?! You lied to me.” 

“What did you want me to say?”

“You could’ve just told me the truth”, he says.

I get emotional. 

I sit on the edge of the bed. I cry into my hands.

He sits next to me.

“I’m so damaged, Batile.” I keep saying.

I feel him hugging me, comforting me and reassuring me that he loves me – as he keeps telling me. 

I have strong feelings for him. I don’t know if they are love though because like I said, I don’t believe in love. 

After I’ve had myself a good cry, I hold his hand and say, “I’m really sorry, Batile. For all of it. It wasn’t fair of me to make you part of this shit. I’m really sorry.” 

“I’m not mad at you because of what happened to you. Sex was used to hurt you throughout your life. And I’m so sorry. You’ve used sex to hurt people too…” him.

“Mnqobi and Wehweh?” Me.

He nods his head. 

“I need you to heal. I really do. Our daughters need you to heal.” He says. 

“Why are you so good to me?” 

“Because you are a good woman. You are selfless. I know that our kids were safe at your mom’s place because you offered yourself to that man in protection of them.” 

I get emotional. 

“We need to get him arrested. He can’t get away with this”, he says. 

“My mom will never forgive me”, I say. 

“She’s never been much to you anyway because she let him do this to you.” 

I’m quiet. 

“Listen, my love…

I didn’t make you quit your job because I was trying to control you. I made you quit because I didn’t want the couch casting to keep happening in your life. And we have money now. We have good lawyers. We can open criminal cases against these people. But I’m not going to force you. I want you to know that the option is there. I’m here for you. Only you. I love you, Lindiwe Mokoena. You are the only woman that I lose my mind over”, he says.

I smile at him. 

I really appreciate this guy. A lot! And maybe I do love him. I know that I feel for him more than I’ve ever felt for any man. 

“Now, I want you to relax and unwind around here. I have training. Wait up for me?” He says.

“I’ll sleep now. Then you can wake me up when you get back”, I say.

He kisses me.

“Sasi…” I say.

“I know. Maybe we can talk to Mnqobi and Wehweh, let them know that you are back here… and if they could give us visiting rights at least.” He says.

“Sasi is my daughter. I want her to live with me”, I say.

“We need to be strategic in how we get her back. They got police involved, my love.” He says.

Why is Mnqobi doing this?

“Do you think they’ll meet with us?” I ask him.

“We can try.” Him. 

“Wehweh hates me right now, so I can’t even go through her.” I say.

“We will figure it out, Mrs Mokoena. Rest for now. Okay?”

I nod my head, smiling at him. 

He kisses me then leaves