“With Khotso down for the next couple of months, I’ve been asked to step up. So I’ll be working a lot more hours.”
“And leaving me with two babies all alone.”
He looks at me.
“Babe, do you want me to maybe ask Nothile to come down and help us?” He suggests.
“No, it’s fine. I can manage my kids. I just feel like my life has paused. There’s absolutely nothing going on in my life except being a mother. The only adult interactions that I do have is with you. When you are not here, I have conversations with Banathi and Mnqobi. I’m even learning baby language.”
He laughs a bit then he says, “You know I appreciate you, right?”
“I know. I’m just feeling a bit –
I don’t know, Zee. This is not how I imagined my life. I love my kids a lot. I really do. And I’m insanely in love with you. I just thought I’d also have a good career and I’d be progressing well. Now, I just stay at home all day, gain weight, lose myself in this mother and wife thing. I’m feeling less and less attractive each day. I feel less and less myself each day.”
He looks at me.
He holds my hands.
“What do you want me to do? How can I make this better for you?”
I shrug my shoulders and just eat my breakfast. He is sitting across me at our dining table. He has stopped eating and is now staring at me.

I just feel so heavy this morning. I feel sad. I feel slightly depressed.
“Baby, I need to understand how I can help you.” He says.
“There’s nothing. It’s fine. I’ll just sit here the whole day and look after your children while I lose myself. I’m sure it’s how you’ve always wanted me.”
He pulls a face.
Mnqobi starts crying. I just hold my head because this is just a clear sign that my day has started. It starts with Mnqobi’s crying in the morning then it ends with me having sex with Zithulele like the perfect wife I’m expected to be.

I just stand up from my chair and head upstairs to attend to Mnqobi – because he has clearly also woken up Banathi.
I get to their room and I look over their cribs. They are both awake and Mnqobi is the only one crying. I literally look over my children and I start crying. I start falling apart. I see Zithulele coming into the bedroom and he attends to Mnqobi. He looks at me and basically just lets me breakdown. He takes both the boys out of their cribs and he takes them out of the bedroom. I am left alone and I just fall apart in this bedroom.
It’s just too much. My mom is gone. My husband was behind bars and I was on the run with a small child and one baking inside of me. Now we are back here and all I am is just a housewife looking after two kids, binging on TV and gaining weight.
I need to fetch my life. I really do.
I don’t even like Regodise anymore. I’ll probably like her again, one day. But for now, she’s not my cup of tea. But I do like Oluremi and with Khotso going through some rough patches, I think I can start with her in making friends and building a life.

I make my way downstairs and I see Zithulele feeding the boys. He is so great with them. They are laughing and eating. They are actually listening to him, obliging to whatever he tells them to do. It’s so beautiful to watch. He looks up and sees me at the staircase.
“Hello mommy”, he says to me.
“Hello daddy.” I say
“The boys and I booked you into a spa and fitness centre for the week. I’ll look after the boys while you are away. Just go away, have some time to yourself and look after yourself. We will see you when you get back.”
I smile at him.
“Baby, the whole week? I can’t be away for that long. I’m going to miss you guys like crazy.”
“Baby, go away and take care of yourself. We will still be here when you get back.”
“Who will help you with the boys while I’m away?”
“Nothile is coming down.”
“Baby –
“Tlali, you need some time to yourself. Please let me do this for you. Baby, I love you with all of my heart. I need you back, baby. You haven’t been yourself since we got back here. I know you hate it here. But this is our reality. So, I need you back because having you in here with us floating instead of living is not easy. We need you, baby. I need you.”

I walk down the staircase and when I get to him, I throw my hands around him and we hug.
“I love you, baby. I love you, my moringa.”
I laugh and say, “You cannot be serious.”
He laughs and says, “I love you, baby.”

I have written down instructions on what needs to happen with the boys. Now, Zithulele is dropping me off at the centre. The boys are strapped in their car seats at the back. I’m actually excited. I’m excited to just be away and just focus on myself.
“So, I’m going to sneak in here from time to time for some sex”, he says.
I laugh and say, “Didn’t you say this is for me to focus on myself?”
“We need you, baby.”
We both laugh.

The babies and Zithulele help me settle in my room. I’m not sharing – Zee made sure that I don’t share. My room is HUGE! I have my own bathroom, my own kitchen and my own living room.
“I made sure you are sorted and comfortable. Will this do?”
I’m so excited I just scream and kiss my man.
“Mommy, are we going to stay here together?” Banathi says.
“No boy. Mommy is going to stay here, then the three of us are going to have a boys week with Auntie Nothile.
“But I want to stay with mommy”, Banathi says.
Now he’s making me sad.
“But Nathi, you’ll be staying with me and Aunt Nothile.”
“No. You are always at work.” Banathi says as he gets emotional.
“Hawu Banathi”, Zithulele.
“I want to stay with mommy”, he says.
Zithulele and I look at each other.
“Maybe, this isn’t the right time to do this.” I say.
“But you need this, Tllali.”
“They need me more. They need us more.” I say.
He starts feeling very sad about this.
“Baby –
“Baby, I’m going to find a way to be okay. I promise. But I cannot do this. I won’t be okay if you guys leave with them being like this.”
We look at each other…

…

We are supposed to be driving back home, but I think Zee feels bad that this idea didn’t materialise. I’m not sure if it’s because he realizes that even his sons see that he doesn’t spend as much time as he used to with us, or if he genuinely wanted me to have a break from all of this.

We drive to the resort branch of this facility. I look at him.
“We will all stay here and have a bit of a holiday. You’ll still be able to join whatever programme they have here. The difference is that you will come back to us and spend time with us”, he says.
I look at him.
“It will also do me some good to spend some time with my kids. It’s not nice to hear from them that I’m always working and that I don’t spend time with them.”
“You work too hard. Maybe when it was just the two of us, I didn’t see it as much because I also had a job. But now, I really do see it from their perspective. Especially since we got back from South Africa. I do wonder what “stepping up now that Khotso is down” means because we barely see you as it is.” I say.
“Babe, I’m the bishop’s right-hand-man. Things do get a bit hectic”, he says.
“I get that, Zithulele. But we also need you. That’s all that we are saying.” I say.

He is quiet.
Just as we park the car in front of the chalet that we will be staying in, his cellphone rings. The caller ID reads “ONA”.
I look at him. He looks at me. I roll my eyes.

I get out of the car then make my way into the chalet to inspect it before bringing my children inside of it. He is on the phone with Ona. I’m the only one with clothes here. They were supposed to go back home.
“Everything is clear, ma’am. We have done all the checks”, some white man with a deep voice says to me. He is dressed in a black suit, black hemp and black shoes. I’m so confused.
“Who are you?” I ask him.
“I’m the head of your security, ma’am. These three gentlemen will be helping me make sure that you and your family are safe.”
What the hell?
Zee brings the boys into the house. He greets these men. So, he knew about them.
“Zithulele, what is this?”
“We have bodyguards now, baby.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a deacon now. And I am a deacon that is the bishop’s right-hand-man: first in command”.
I don’t even know what that means and I don’t care.
“Zithulele, we live a simple life. We don’t need all of this.”
“We do. My role in the church instructs us to.”
“What are we supposed to do with bodyguards?”
“You just live your life. They are here to make sure that we are safe. We don’t serve them. They bath themselves. They feed themselves. They can relieve themselves when they need to.”
I just laugh, because, what the hell?!
He smiles at me.
“Zee, what’s going on, baby? Are we in trouble?” I enquire.
“No, my love. We just have people who will make sure that even before the trouble gets to us, we are already safe and away from it.”
I look at them then at Zee.
“Hey… I love you. I love our family… and when I do go out there and work as hard as I do, it is nice to know that my family is protected.” He says.
“Well, don’t stay away too long. One of them might make a move and they are hot!”
His face changes.
I burst into laughter. He doesn’t find it funny at all and I’m glad. It’s nice to know that he is still possessive of me.

I woke up in the morning and prepared my little boys for breakfast. It is being delivered to our room and their father was up all night doing ungodly things.
I shower first then I bath the boys together. Mnqobi is quite a bully and even though he is young, I find myself being tougher on him. Banathi has a dangerous edge to him, but he is very gentle in the way in which he carries himself. He reminds me of Khotso Mohale. You will never know that he is as ruthless as Ona if you haven’t seen him in action. I’ve personally never seen him in action, but I’ve heard that he earned Regodise running him over with a car. I don’t see it. I just don’t see him be anything but nice and gentle. However, raising Banathi Khuzwayo, I can see how that’s possible.

“Mommy is going to spend the day at the spa today, then you and Mnqobi are going to spend the day with dad. Is that okay?” I say as I lotion the boys.
“But are you going to come back?” Banathi asks me.
“Yes, my angel. After my massage. I’m coming back. I’ll even be here to have lunch with you guys. Then I’ll go to that adult place again. Then I’ll be back for dinner and to sleep.”
“You promise?” What’s with Banathi?
“I promise, baby. Daddy will be here with you the whole day. Don’t worry.”
“He’s not gonna work?”
“No. He will just be spending time with you guys. Promise me that you will be good for him.”
He nods his head.

We have breakfast – Zee is at least home for breakfast. I told him to go and take a shower because he looks like he has crime in his hands. It scares me how I’m getting used to being married to a thug. It really scares me. This cannot be my life.
After we eat, I dash out. I take a golf cart to the centre and when I get there, I sign up for the day.
I was expecting to go straight into the spa from the top of the morning, but no… we are out here exercising and I feel as if I’m going to puke out my entire breakfast. Each of us are assigned a trainer and my particular trainer is very snatched.
The first exercise class of the day is kickboxing. When I say first, I’m not even being sarcastic. We have to have three classes. I’m so done. This feels like an all-morning boot camp.

When we are done with kickboxing, I feel good, but I’m tired. I throw myself on the ground and just lie there as I wait for the next session.
“Hi”, some person says to me.
I’m really not here to make friends. Could people please kindly refrain from talking to me.
“I’m Luhle. Shaka is my dad and I’ve seen him work quite closely with your husband. Zithulele, right?”
I rise from the ground as fast as my body will let me. Then I face her.
“Can we be partners for the day?” She says.
“You know my husband?” I enquire. I’m too chubby and insecure to have gorgeous women tell me that they know my husband.
“I’ve seen him around my dad a lot. I know they work quite closely together.” She says.
“I see.”
“Have I said something wrong?” She asks me.
“No, it’s me just being silly. Being a new mom and feeling unsexy because you spend all your time with two kids under two will have you feel crazy sometimes.”
“You have kids? You? Where did you carry them with a body that hot?”
I laugh.
“That’s not fair. How does God give some women everything? I don’t even have one child and I’m bigger than you.” She says.
I’m just laughing. That’s very sweet of her to say, but I know that I’m not looking like I’d like to look.
“I can see why Zithulele is always rushing back home to you. You are gorgeous!”
“Thank you. Have you also come here to move away from things that make you feel a bit down?”
She nods her head and says, “My mom passed away a couple of months ago and my entire family is falling apart. It will actually be a year since she’s been gone in the next two weeks”
“I’m sorry”, I say.
“My brother and sister have left and written my father and I off.”
“Why?” I ask.
“My dad is seeing someone. He started seeing her three months after my mom had passed. I just think that it was too soon for him. I felt like he didn’t give himself enough time to truly heal, you know? But my brother and sister felt that he was disrespecting my mom and he was moving on unreasonably fast.”
Yho, this is hectic.
“I guess I understand him more than he realizes and more than my siblings would. I lost my seven-year boyfriend during the riots. He was a doctor and he would go into the community and try to help people who were being attacked and injured while protesting. Police opened fire on unarmed civilians and he got hit by a stray bullet. So, I understand what my dad is going through. Truly, I do. But I’m still getting over losing Mbuso. So I worry that he hasn’t had time to just heal. But I also understand that no one can really tell you how to mourn.”
“I think you are brave. You are strong. And I respect you the most because despite what you think, you’ve taken a step back and you respect your father’s decision. Besides, Refiloe seems nice. I’m sure that if you give her a chance, you’ll see it for yourself.”
“You know her?”
“I’ve met her a few times. We are not friends or anything. But the energy that I generally get from her is good. I can see why your dad would like her.”
She thinks hard and nods her head.
“Are the men-in-black here for you?” She asks me.
“Yep. Unfortunately.”
“Well, you are married. Can I try my luck with one of them?”
“Please! Help yourself. I’ll even help you. They just creep me out. Always around me but I can never really talk to them. Ai!”
She laughs at me, but I can see her undressing one of them with her eyes. I don’t even know their names. This is bad.

It is time for the next exercise circuit so our conversation ends. The last exercise circuit that we do is yoga and I’m bushed by lunch. Apparently, we get the spa treatments after lunch. I don’t trust them though, so I’m not eating a lot.

…

“Does Letlali understand that she’s probably never going to work ever again? Like, this is the rest of her life?” Bishop says to me as we sit in the car outside the chalet that I’m staying in with my family.
“She’s already being depressed by having to stay with our kids the whole day. I don’t know, bishop. The women that your generation married and the women that we are getting married to are different breeds of women. The furtherer we move away from homelands, the more different they are.” I say.
“Maybe you should take her to some family somewhere in KZN. I’m sure you have a pressed aunt who would love a makoti for a week or two.”
“No one there deserves to be part of my life. They turned against us a long time ago. I have no interest in them being in my life, let alone upsetting my wife.”
He is silent.
Then he says, “I heard she shat all over Regodise and Ona”.
“She’s upset about a lot of things – the biggest one being that we had to come back here so soon after her giving birth and me coming out of prison. It just didn’t sit right with her.”
“She’s a fighter. I’ll give her that. I just hope that she’s not going to be a problem. Your responsibilities to the church are greater now.”
“Look, Tlali talks a lot. She complains when she shouldn’t and she will speak her mind even when it’s unnecessary. But she shows up and she does her part to make sure that we are a well-oiled machine. She’s proven that time and again. We are good.”
“Good. I’ll leave you then. I’ll let you have the remainder of this four days with your family. But when you get back, we are going to Miami. Bring Tlali and the boys actually. You and I are opening a new club there together – officially. Plus, you’ll get your new house that’s up there as well. You are in the big league now. Your rewards are as hard as you work. I’m sure she will love it up there. It’s away from Tholoana Kingdom. But unofficially, pope wants a meeting with us and the other bishops as well as their right-hand men up there. Miami is our meeting point for such meetings. Something big is coming. We are going to secure ourselves.” He says.
I nod my head.
“Enjoy the rest of your evening, ntwana yami.”
“Sho”, I say and get out of the car. He has always called me that. We have an unofficial father-and-son relationship and even though we would never say it to each other, there is love there between us.

I get into the house and I find Tlali setting up for a movie night. She looks so much happier and lighter. She complains that her body is tired from all the working out she had to do today, but she’s so happy. Her energy is everything I remember my beautiful moringa to have had the first time I saw her and the first day she officially became my girlfriend.

“Baba, we are watching Star Warz”, Banathi says.
“Yini leyo, Banathi?” I enquire.
He responds to me in isiZulu.
I don’t want my sons growing up and speaking isiZulu as if it’s their second language. When they speak to me, they speak isiZulu. They can speak English there where they learned it. Tlali speaks to them in seSotho and English because when she tries to speak isiZulu, Banathi laughs at her. I’ve tried to make him stop, but shame, she does sound funny.
So, Banathi is quite a multi-lingual child.
Tlali wanted us to get them tutors for isiZulu. I think it’s unnecessary. If they struggle with isiZulu, we’ll go live in KZN for two years and boys his age will bully him into never forgetting the language. Problem solved.
But, she’s their mother. And the minute I hint at toughening my boys up, she makes me sleep on the couch.

“My entire body hurts”, Tlali says as she sits down on the cosy setting that she’s set up on the floor. She cannot even sit properly.
“Are you going back tomorrow?” I ask her as I help her sit down and give her pillows to rest her back on.
She shakes her head and says, “Tomorrow is rest day.”
I laugh. Rest day after one day? I thought she wanted to lose weight.
I don’t even think she’s that bad. Tlali is a naturally tiny woman. She just has a big ass. And I’m not complaining about that. When she gains weight, she gains it on her thighs and ass. So yes, I do agree that she shouldn’t let it grow out of control to a point where her ass just looks like it smells, but I don’t think she’s that big. I find her extremely sexy and honestly, I worship that body. It’s the body that has only ever had me. No other man has touched her except for me. Then, it’s the same body that gave birth to two of my sons. Her body is the most beautiful thing on earth to me.

“Babe, you do know that the program is a week-long, right?” I say.
“Zithulele, I feel like something is broken inside of my body. They said we must have an ice bath this evening. That’s obviously not happening.”
“Why not? It will help you greatly. You’ll sleep so beautifully and you’ll wake up feeling less stiff.”
She just looks at me.
“Come, let me prepare it for you.” I say.
She’s not happy, but I phone reception anyway and order the ice.

When the ice arrives, I prepare the ice bath for her. Then she takes off her clothes and only keeps on her bra and panty. I carry her and say, “I’m going to throw you in because if you do this too slowly, it will just feel worse”, I say.
As she starts questioning, making her least expectant, I throw her in the tub. She grasps and swears while Banathi and Mnqobi laugh. This is very entertaining for them. Even for me.
I time her in the bath and she holds out for a minute. I’m actually very impressed.
Then she jumps out of the bathtub and wraps herself in a gown.
“Can I try to go in there, baba?” Banathi says to me.
I just laugh at him. Kids like things yaz.

The boys are really enjoying this movie. Mnqobi keeps mumbling stuff and Banathi is not even falling asleep. He is super focused on the screen. Tlali got into a mink blanket, rested her head on my thighs and has now passed out. My beautiful wife.
“Mommy tired!” Mnqobi tries to say.
“Ukhathele kakhulu.” I say to him.
“Khathel”, he repeats.
“Is she going to gym again tomorrow?” Banathi asks me.
Aren’t they watching their movie?
“I don’t think so. She’s very tired.” I say.
“Can we swim tomorrow, baba?” Banathi.
“Swim!” Mnqobi shouts.
“We will see. If mommy is not tired, we will.” I say.
They are happy. I hope they know that I didn’t say yes.

I am woken up by a knock on our door. Hai bo. I don’t remember ordering room service. I wake up and wear a t-shirt.
“Baba, ubani?” Banathi asks me.
“Angazi, bafana.” I say.
He follows me to the door and when I open, Shaka’s rather thick daughter is here.
She’s a beautiful woman, don’t get me wrong… but she’s thick EVERYWHERE. Now it’s even worse because she’s wearing gym clothes.
“Sanibonani!” She greets us. She’s very cheerful.
“Luhle. Is everything okay? Is Shaka okay?” Why else is she here?
“No, Thule. Everything is fine. I’m here to fetch Letlali. We can’t miss today.”
I start laughing.
So, they are friends now? If they are, I’m quite happy with that. Luhle is like a sister to me.
“She’s going to eat you alive. Go in the bedroom and wake her up”, I tell her.
She happily walks in and starts singing from the passage, singing “GOOOOD MOOOOOORNING!!!!”
I start laughing.
“Baba, who’s this funny lady?” Banathi asks me.
“Your Auntie Luhle.” I say.
He laughs too.
When Tlali starts swearing, I’m so done. Laughter actually becomes me. Banathi also laughs hysterically.

But eventually, Luhle walks out of here with Tlali in hand. She gives me a kiss before she leaves with Luhle. I honestly wish her a better day than yesterday.

Today is another day where I have to be a full-time dad with two little boys. I never know what to do with them. So, we first eat, then I bath them then I let them decide what we will get up to for the day. I know that they love it that way. They don’t have this kind of freedom with their mother. She even tells them when to sleep and no matter how much they protest and say that they are not tired, she threatens them and makes them sleep. Yesterday, they spent the entire day awake. It would have been fine if Mnqobi didn’t cry like a madman, snitching that he was tired and just peacefully went to sleep. I’ll never understand that about kids. You are tired. Sleep! Why are you crying? Why must we all jump and beg you to sleep when you are clearly tired? Your sleep is not a community project.

“Baba, are we swimming today?” Banathi asks me.
I know Tlali has been nagging me about taking these two for swimming lessons. Had I listened, I’d freely say, “Sure, go ahead.”
I know Banathi had swimming classes at that creche he was at when he was living with his mom in Lakefield while I was in prison. But I’m not confident that he can just swim now. Mnqobi will also want to join him because Mnqobi thinks he’s Banathi’s age and anything that’s done for Banathi must be done for him.
Also, the long and short of it is that I can’t swim. I can chill in water because I’m tall, but I will not dive into anything trying to save anyone. So if one of my kids drown in that water, I will not be able to save them and Letlali will definitely divorce me. We’ve just been through enough. This is not the time for us to go through anything hectic again. We just need some peace for some time.

“Nope. No swimming today.” I say.
“But baba, izolo you said we could.” Banathi is such a chancer.
“I said sizobona.” I tell him.
Now he sulks.
“What do you want at that swimming pool? Do you have a girlfriend or something?” I ask him. He is so obsessed with going there, one must wonder.
He laughs and says, “No. I just want to swim.”
“I don’t believe you”, I say.
Now he’s laughing and trying to convince me that he doesn’t have a girlfriend. At least he’s not thinking about swimming anymore.

We ended up going to some place in this resort called the playground. There are swings and jumping stuff for the kids. Banathi lost his mind and started climbing and jumping. As long as he is within my sight, he can do whatever he wants. Mnqobi is starting to walk, so he can only go so far. I’d let him go crazy with Banathi, but I want Banathi to have fun. I don’t want the responsibility of looking after his brother to be a burden on him now already. So, I just put Mnqobi in sand and let him go crazy.

“Hello”, some woman says to me as she sits next to me with a child.
I look at her. I don’t know her. Why is she greeting me?
“Our kids are playing together. I thought we’d sit together”, she says.
Does this woman know Letlali Khuzwayo? My wife can easily be her cause of death. When it comes to me and these boys that we share, Letlali is far much more dangerous than I am. Can this woman please not put both of us in a very difficult situation, please.
“I hope you don’t mind that I sit here with you”, she says.
“Actually, I do mind. I don’t think my wife would be comfortable with it.”
“Oh, you are married?”
“What did you think I was? Do you think this wedding band is just a dress accessory? And where do you think my two sons came from? The sky?”
She looks at me in a disapproving way.
“Qwabe!” Shaka says. Thank God for his arrival. He is also looking at this lady. And he is here with Refiloe and her son.
“Mashimane”, I say.
“Is everything okay?” He asks me, looking at this woman who is still here.
“She thinks we are forced to sit together because our kids are playing together. She wants to experience Letlali Khuzwayo being her cause of death.”
“Sisi, this is a married man. Please have some self-respect”, Shaka says to her.
“In other words, stop being a whore. You are not going to find a step-father for your kids here.” Refiloe says.
I’d never take Refiloe for a vulgar woman.
But, the woman next to me gets up and leaves. Quietly.

“Qwabe, this is not the time to piss of Letlali. Please.” Shaka says.
“I didn’t even talk to this woman.” I suddenly feel the need to defend myself.
“I’m not saying you did. But it could have been Letlali who walked in on the two of you sitting way too close to each other. Until I asked you what was going on, the sight was very suspicious.”
I honestly don’t know what to do now.
“Mommy, can I go play? There’s Banathi over there.” Mason says to Fifi.
“Okay. Be careful okay”, Fifi says.
The kid gives Shaka his things then runs off.

“How are you, Sis’ Fifi?” Me.
“I’m well thank you.” She says.
“Our Miami trip got moved up, Qwabe. We have to leave tonight.”
“Tonight?”
“Yeah. After Tlali is done is done with her sessions today, go home, pack and meet me at the airport. We will be using the private jet.”
“Mashimane –
“Fifi is coming with us. Tlali won’t be bored.” He says.