Lydia

“Zinzi, is the boardroom ready for the products meeting?” I ask Tom’s PA. I’ve been told to manage her because she thinks she’s on holiday. She manages the CEO’s office for crying out loud.

She and I have a “not great” relationship because I make sure she earns her salary.

“Yes, I have”. She says.

“The coffee?”

“It’s in Mr Msomi’s boardroom already”, she says.

I am the official coffee supplier around here for meetings. Everyone is obsessed with my coffee. My domestic worker makes it and delivers it for us, just as I taught her.

“I didn’t see you here at 7am this morning. Where were you?” I ask.

She’s given me the “My contract says I start working at 8am and knock off at 5pm” speech. Then I nicely told her that we can easily replace her with someone who understands the flexibility of managing a CEO’s office. Her type is not invincible and I let her know it. Now, she tows the line.

“I had to take my kids to school. But I made sure that Mr Ramaru’s morning is adequately managed last night before I went to sleep.” She says.

I just look at her and walk away. I contemplate saying thank you or well done, but with this one, I cannot give her participation certificates. She will think that she’s doing great when she’s barely doing the bare minimum.

I still do minutes for Tom in his meetings because this girl’s minutes are something abnormal. I told Tom to take Pearl’s former PA as his PA and make Zinzi his secretary. So that is in the works with HR. As annoying as Thando is, she’s good at her job and she will, without a shadow of a doubt, put Zinzi in line very quickly.

Products is a mess! A mess I tell you! That’s why poor Palesa is five minutes away from being fired and why Mthunzi and Thomas are forever calling me into meetings. Thank God for Harry who actually has a cooking clue on what’s going on and what’s supposed to happen. He put together a task team that has to do bi–weekly reports to Mthunzi on strategising. Today, we are meeting with the product developers and sales team. We need to understand what the disconnect is between product development and the sale. I suggested that we bring marketing into the meeting because they must lure customers to these products. The marketing lead told me they are busy for the next month and products have nothing to do with them. I told Mthunzi and… well… we all kinda experienced a side to Mthunzi that we never want to see again, so they will be in that meeting.

I’m getting food at the canteen while I check emails on my phone. I have fifteen minutes before this meeting and I am starving. It is 2pm and all I’ve had to eat all day was a biscuit I found in my bag. I don’t know where it came from, but it definitely helped me with keeping my sugar levels up.

“Hey”, Palesa says to me. She looks down.

“Hey”, I say.

“Do you have a minute?”

Eh – I’m hungry, babes. I need to eat.

“I’m just waiting for my food. We can chat while I wait?” Me.

“I need an update on the products agenda”, she says.

I know that Thomas and Mthunzi don’t want her anywhere near products. The person she should be asking is Harry because, number one – that is her direct report. Number two – He is the one who has been appointed to lead this team.

But let me not be a bitch.

“We are actually meeting with sales and marketing in the next few minutes. I can brief you on where we are at the moment then you join the meeting?” I suggest.

She smiles.

“Thanks.” She says.

Ja noh, it’s bad. Life is not so great when you are no longer the boss’ pet.

I get my food and we walk to Mthunzi‘s boardroom. Mthunzi never wants to meet in other people’s boardrooms or in the vacant boardrooms around here. We are always meeting in his boardrooms. But at least we get refreshments.

I am eating my fries (with chili sauce) and briefing Palesa on products. She is taking notes in her notebook.

Thomas sees us walking into Mthunzi‘s boardroom. He and I make eye-contact and he uses his head to ask me where Palesa is going. I shrug my shoulders and sit down.

Harry comes in and he is a bit puzzled about Palesa’s attendance. He sits down after giving me a look. This is going to be weird.

People arrive and in no time, the boardroom is full. Mthunzi walks in with Thomas and they both look at Palesa. Palesa is officially uncomfortable.

“I made copies, but we will be one short. Palesa, I didn’t realise that you were joining us”, Harry says. This is so unnecessary.

“It’s fine, she can use mine. I am familiar with the work”, I say.

Palesa smiles at me. Thomas is still staring at me.

The meeting starts.

It takes long and people are arguing about stuff. I don’t know what. Thomas and I are busy sexting over our text messages. Even Mthunzi is on his phone, probably sexting with his wife judging by the wide smile on his face as he stares at his phone. I should actually ask her to join me for lunch and we become acquainted. We are dating the powerhouse of this company.

Eventually I get tired of the arguing and finger pointing, so I put my phone down and say:

“Can we put together an end-to-end strategy of the product life cycle? Each product should have gate checks: from its creation, to its assessment to its marketing and branding, right up to its sale. Each product owner will have a team that will run these gate checks for the product then sign off should happen after the product life cycle is concluded and audited. Would that help?”

There is silence. Mthunzi and Thomas are staring at everyone in the meeting and are awaiting a response. Palesa seems to have dipped into a depression.

“Let me rephrase my question, what would be the problem with this approach?” Me.

Silence.

I throw myself in my chair.

“It’s settled then, that’s what will happen. All managers to have compliance-checked SOPs on the governance of each gate check on my desk by close of business today”, Mthunzi says.

There is mumbling.

“So your voices are back now?!” Mthunzi shouts this question at everyone in the room.

Silence.

He is really unfriendly these days. He is quite hectic. If I were not with Thomas, I’d avoid him at all costs. I don’t know this side to him and I don’t like it. I did say that I need to be acquainted with his wife. I’d be texting her right now and asking her to manage him for the sake of everyone who comes into contact with him.

“Adjourned”, Mthunzi says.

I am the first to get up. As I turn towards the elevators,

“Elle, can you prepare a deck for me with everything I need to know about this?” Palesa.

“Harry has it. Can you ask him to please send it to you?” Me.

“I’m asking you. I want it in an hour”, Palesa shouts then leaves me at the elevator, walking into Mthunzi‘s office where Mthunzi and Thomas have disappeared to.

…

Thomas

“Is there a particular reason why I am off products?” Palesa asks us, looking at Mthunzi and me like we have committed a crime.

We both don’t answer her.

“I’m asking because my job description locates products under my management, yet I’ve been side-lined and an entire portfolio has been given to an HOD in my department.” She continues.

“We thought we would ease your load and Harry had capacity”, Mthunzi tells her.

“Did I say that I needed my load to be eased?” Palesa barks back.

“We made an executive decision. You’ve had products under you since day one and you have been struggling with it. That portfolio has been falling apart under your leadership and an immediate strategy had to be put in place with the right employees on board to make sure that the portfolio comes back from where it was under your leadership”, Mthunzi tells her.

“When did you realise that I wasn’t performing and why wasn’t I performance managed as required in this organization by HR?” Palesa asks us.

“We thought it would be best to accommodate you instead”, Mthunzi.

Palesa sighs.

“Thank you for thinking of me, but I’d rather be performance managed. Thami is my manager and I expect him to start having performance management chats with me as soon as possible. I want back on products and I will not tolerate any of your sexism anymore”, she says.

WTF? Sexism? How did we get there?

“Excuse me?” Mthunzi.

“You think I don’t see the toxic masculinity shit that is going on around here? The executive team consisting of all these men, then where I, the only female on this floor, should be sitting you put my HOD – My junior! You date young girls –

“Stop right there! When you say young girls, are you referring to the young girl who does a better job at managing this portfolio than you do?” I ask her. She better not get comfortable with disrespecting Lydia in my presence.

She looks at me.

“She is the only person who is willing to be nice to you and keep you in the loop and this is how you talk about her behind her back?” Mthunzi says. Palesa ignores us then says, “If I’m not performing, I want a clear outline of what I’m not doing and what the expectation is, then I want to be performance managed adequately. I will not leave this lying low. I will take you to task at the CCMA if I have to. I want the products portfolio back by the end of today”, Palesa says then she charges out of Mthunzi‘s office.

I immediately call for Thami to come into Mthunzi‘s office. When he comes in, Mthunzi gives us each a glass of whiskey and I start.

“I want Palesa out”.

“Chief, she’s already onto us. She will definitely sue us or get some lawyer onto us.” Mthunzi.

“Don’t we have a budget for paying off these people we no longer want around here? We can offer her a mutual separation agreement and if she doesn’t accept it, we performance manage her out of the organization. If she takes us further and the CCMA says we must pay her, then we pay.” Thami says.

“How do we make her take a mutual separation agreement?” I ask. I want her out as in next week.

“We need to show that her performance is appalling and it would be in her best interest to take the agreement and leave instead of being fired for poor performance”, Thami says.

“You must get HR to verify all of that and make it happen because if we skip anything, she won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.” Mthunzi.

I nod my head.

“Do we have enough evidence to show her non-performance?” Mthunzi asks Thami.

“The products work. Then we need to get Elle to stop doing reports for her. Those reports are what promoted her, if you ask me.” Thami.

“Can we prove that?” I ask.

Thami hesitantly agrees.

This one has no backbone. Mthunzi and I established this within his first week of working here. He goes with the wind. When HR arrives and tells him he’s a bad manager, he won’t stand up to them and stand by what we just discussed.

“Chief, can we call Pearl? Pearl was annoyed by Palesa everyday and complained about her work. She may have shit that we can use because she managed Palesa before Elle came on board. Then we can compare her work then to what it became when Elle joined”, Mthunzi says.

This is why this man is my ace. I am already dialling Pearl and have her on speaker.

“Hello?” Some man picks up. We all look at each other, then at the screen.

“Hi?” Me.

“Can I help you?” The man.

“I’m looking for Pearl”, I say.

“Okay please hold”, he says to me then shouts, “Nobantu, someone is on the line for you.”

Mthunzi is giggling. I am in disbelief. Thami is biting his nails. I have never heard Pearl use that Nobantu name. It was on her ID, so I knew she had it, she’s just never used it.

“Hello?” Pearl.

“Hey Pearl, it’s Thomas”, I say.

“Hey. You good?” Her.

“I’m good. I didn’t realise that you hired a male PA”, I say. I want her to tell me who that man is.

“What do you want, Thomas? I am in the middle of having sex with my male PA”, she says.

We all chuckle.

“Listen, you are on speaker. I have Mthunzi and a new hire, Thami, in the room. We want Palesa out”. I say.

Pearl laughs. She laughs so hard that we are all laughing now.

“You should have left me to fire that woman five years ago”, she says.

“I know and I’m sorry. But now, we really need her out.” I say.

“I heard you made her a managing executive. You either really believed in her or you have money to waste.” Pearl.

“Pearl, come on. Don’t kick this dog. It’s already down. Help us, please, sis’wami.” Mthunzi.

“That woman has more than five written warning in her file from me. I’m sure that they haven’t expired. I know two are really recent because I gave them to her before I left. Plus they are comprehensive final written warnings – those have a longer lifespan than the other warnings. Give her something to do that you know for a fact that she won’t do and fire her for misconduct. Talk to Jeff. He has her file there in HR. I had also started a performance management process with her because her reporting was disgusting until Tom’s baby mama came on board. Her involvement in products dropped the performance of products that I had to take her out of products. Palesa is an administrator at best. I have no idea how she even became an executive lead. She is just not fit for the role and I had already started the process of demoting her before I left. All of this is sitting in HR with Jeff. Take that information and go to ELR. That team will know how to use it to push her out by the end of this week.” Pearl says.

She has literally given us a gold mine.

“Pearl, we worship the ground you walk on, right now.” Mthunzi.

“They’ll probably tell you that Palesa is now in a new role and we can’t hold her performance in her old role against her now. But go to ELR and ask to deal with Nomzamo Thabethe. Nomzamo is their managing executive. That girl is a qualified labour law attorney. She will make things happen for you.” Pearl.

“You are too awesome. Siyabonga sisi”, Mthunzi.

“Cool. Bye.” Just like that, she’s gone.

She sounds great. I wish we could have chatted longer. She has always knownhow to sweep problems away. She doesn’t sound like she misses me and she has clearly moved on. I feel so – I don’t know – empty. I suddenly miss her.

“Shambula”, Mthunzi says. Thami and I both look at the door and we see that his wife has arrived. Mthunzi’s wife is beautiful. I just have to say this. My goodness!

“Hey”, she says. Her smile is not as bright and wide as it usually is. She has a lot of food in her hands.

“I brought you guys lunch. You said you are working hard, so I figured that you probably haven’t eaten. I got something for Lydia as well. I know you guys work her hard and I actually like her.” Koena says.

She is so thoughtful.

Thami is already opening the food before Mthunzi can even thank his wife. What’s wrong with this man? Does his wife not feed him?

“Thank you, Mrs Msomi”, I say to her.

She smiles at me. I text Lydia to come up to Mthunzi’s office.

Mthunzi is now hugging her and kissing her.

“You okay?” Mthunzi asks her.

She shakes her head.

“Let’s take a walk”, Mthunzi says.

She nods her head. They kiss again and as they leave –

“Hey gorgeous! I heard you brought us lunch.” Lydia says, hugging her.

“I did. I thought I’d bring you something nice to eat while you work hard.” Koena says.

“You are a darling. Thanks so much. I was actually telling Thomas that you and I need to go out and hang out.”

“I agree. Let’s make it happen, please.”

“We will.”

Finally, she and Mthunzi leave.

Lydia sits on top of me as she starts eating.

“Are you okay?” She asks me.

I smile at her and say, “I am now.”

She kisses me.

“Thomas, can I have my wife parade in and out of here as and when she pleases as well?” Thami asks me.

I am not even going to dignify that with an answer. I don’t like this guy. He’s annoying as fuck and he thinks he’s funny. He just behaves as if he had fitting-in issues on the playground. Thami doesn’t put in the hours that Mthunzi puts in, that’s why Koena can parade in here as and when she pleases. I use her time to get Mthunzi to work, so I am okay if she uses my time to feel better about whatever it is that they are going through.

“Let’s go to my office, baby.” I say to Lydia.

We stand up.

“And you better get out of Mthunzi’s office.” I tell Thami.

He dishes up for himself what he can, then leaves.

SMH!