I have been booked off work for four months. My doctor says that I have depression and I need to be admitted into a clinic. Please understand that:• I have a one year old. • My eldest child has been accepted into medicine school, but did not get a bursary and I cannot afford the fees. • My third born just started in a model c school because my husband and I start them in high school; they go to township schools for primary school. • I am already struggling with the fees. • I have to delay my youngest child with starting crèche because I cannot afford all these fees on my own. • I have asked my eldest to get a job. Two salaries are better than one. I took my husband for granted and I am struggling on my own. • My eldest is always angry. She has attitude and I just cannot talk to her anymore. • My second born tries to mediate, but he can even see that things are bad. • The third and the baby are just there. • My eldest may not like it, but she has to help me with the third and fourth children. When I wake up and go to work to get us money, she must bath the kids and make sure they’ve eaten. She must take Simphiwe to school then come back and stay with Khetha because I cannot afford crèche right now and she’s not working. She’s at home doing nothing the whole day.• My husband’s family wants money from me – money that my husband used to send to them every month. I don’t have it. Now they call me names, harass me every chance they get and threaten to take me to court for stealing their child’s money. What money? Their child didn’t have policies that I’m now enjoying. I can barely keep my children in schools. If I had their child’s money, would Unawe not be in university? Would Khetha not be in crèche? They can go to hell. 

So you see, I cannot go to a clinic for four months and talk about my feelings. I cannot give Mr Msomi a reason to fire me. I cannot afford to be without a job. I will take the medication that I have been prescribed and try my best to get through each day. 

“Portia, did you call the agency that Mr Msomi asked you to call?” Sli asks me. 

I nod my head and give her a sticky note with their response to my query. 

“Thanks”, she takes it and disappears into the meeting she was in. She is the one who takes minutes for Mr Msomi in meetings. Thando manages Mr Msomi’s and Mr Ramaru’s offices now. She used to be Pearl’s PA. They say that they’ve repurposed her. It looks like an undeserved promotion to me. Her head has grown bigger than ever. She is one of the reasons I believe that if I even take a weekend off, I’ll get fired. The only person who puts her in her place is Lydia. We all love Lydia for that. 

I have a bad headache, but I need to get through the work that Mr Msomi and Thando have given me. It’s a lot of work and it is all due by close of business today. So, this is another day that I will not be having lunch. 

Speak of the devil. 

“Are you done with the notes I asked you to type?” Thando asks me, storming through the door and to my desk. 

“I’m still busy with them.” I say. 

“I don’t understand. I told you they were urgent”, she says. 

“Mr Msomi had asked me to do a more urgent thing for him. Last I checked, he was my priority, not you”, I say. 

“You know what I think? I think this job is too big for you. Mr Msomi felt sorry for you and gave you this job because you have stories for days about why you don’t deliver. But you are not a fit. You are still bad even at this job and it’s been a year since you’ve been in it. Mr Msomi is just polite. He doesn’t want to performance manage you or fire you, so he gives you miscellaneous tasks – small and insignificant enough so you don’t mess up. Kodwa we pay you to do actual work. Your role is supposed to mean something here. We don’t pay you to be floating around admin that you can barely do.” She says. 

This really hurts my feelings. I have noticed that Mr Msomi doesn’t trust me with big tasks anymore. Even Sli isn’t as close to me as she used to be. She behaves more like my boss than she does my colleague. I thought I was imagining things and I thought Mr Msomi was just being nice and empathetic because I have lost my husband and I’ve been grieving. I’ve been very open about my struggles at home. I’ve fainted twice in this very office because I was overwhelmed. I thought Mr Msomi was accommodating me, not making my role insignificant. What am I going to do without my job? I suddenly get emotional.

“As the office manager of Mr Msomi’s office, I will not be as nice as he is. If you don’t deliver, I will get you out. That’s not a joke. So you better pull up your socks, my girl, or shit will hit the fan around here. I’m not Mr Msomi and this is definitely not Jackson’s team there at the warehouse. You have one hour. I want that document in my inbox in an hour”, she says then walks away. 

I wipe my tears and process everything that she has said. What exactly am I doing that is so wrong? I look through Microsoft Teams and find the employee relations manager and call her. Microsoft Teams shows that she is available. I need HR and ER intervention. 

“Qaqamba, Hello?” She answers. 

“Hi Qaqamba. You are speaking to Portia”, I say. 

“Hi Portia, how can I help you?” She says. Her voice is very welcoming. 

“Can we meet in a boardroom perhaps?” Me. 

“Sure. Where do you sit?” She asks me. 

“No, it’s okay. I’ll come to you”, I say.

“I have a better one. Let’s go get lunch. My treat. Meet me at reception in five minutes.” She says.

I agree and we end the call. I know there will be repercussions for me just leaving, but I’ll ask her to bail me out of those during lunch. 

…

Now that I have told Qaqamba everything: from my time at the warehouse, through Pearl’s management, right up to where I am now, she looks at me stunned. She is not shocked because I am sure she deals with this every day, but she is stunned. She has taken notes, cross-questioned me, took more notes and now we sit here with her looking at me stunned and not saying anything else. 

We finish up our meals and we drive back to the office in her car. It is a beautiful Mercedes Benz. 

She walks with me to my desk where I find Thando, Sli and Mr Msomi gathered. Their faces drop when they see Qaqamba next to me. I stand next to Qaqamba and wait for her to make the first move. Today, she is my shield. 

“Mthunzi, may we have a word in your office?” Qaqamba says. She is serious. Her tone isn’t what it was when she was talking to me. Thando looks nervous. She probably didn’t think I knew people like Qaqamba in this organization. 

Mr Msomi leads Qaqamba and I into his office. He closes the door and we sit on his office couches. 

“May I offer you ladies something to drink?” Mr Msomi. He is a gentleman yena shame, he is not putting on a pretty face for gas. 

“Orange juice for me, please”, Qaqamba orders. 

“Nothing for me, thanks”, I say. I am not familiar with his fridge like that. 

Mr Msomi takes out a bottle of orange juice and a bottle of water from his fridge. He gives Qaqamba the juice then he sits down on a couch opposite us then takes a sip of his water. 

Qaqamba takes Mr Msomi through what I told her. The way she puts it though, she makes it sound so legal. There are terms that she uses such as “abuse of authority” that I did not mention. Mr Msomi listens to her attentively then looks at me from time to time. 

Qaqamba is serious – too serious. I’m even nervous. 

“Q, I’ve accommodated Portia though. I’ve made things to be as manageable as possible for her so that she can cope with everything that is around her”, Mr Msomi. 

That is true.

“Portia needs to be in a clinic right now, dealing with her depression. She has been diagnosed, Mthunzi. Why have you not let her go yet or submitted a PHI application for her so the company can give her the support that she needs while she gets better? That Thando girl even threatened to fire her? On what grounds? And if Portia is not performing, why isn’t she being performance managed, but rather abused by Thando?” Qaqamba.

“Q, I honestly had no idea that Portia is sick and I had no idea that Thando was treating her that way. I would have never let that happen had I known and I’ll speak to Thando”. Mr Msomi says. Now I feel bad for not coming to him first. 

“That’s not good enough. I want you to discipline Thando”, Qaqamba. 

“That’s a bit harsh and surely she deserves a right of reply”, Mr Msomi says. 

“Abuse of authority is a dismissible offense, Mr Msomi. She will be walking away with a final written warning at most. I think we are being very lenient. She will give us her right of reply, with a representative next to her, at her disciplinary discussion. From me, I will be sending you forms to fill in with Portia so we can submit her PHI claim to our insurers then Portia will take leave with immediate effect to go and get admitted into that clinic.” Qaqamba says. 

The meeting is wrapped up then Mr Msomi asks me to stay behind. 

After Qaqamba leaves, it is just him and I. 

“I don’t like HR, Portia. They just make me nervous. I don’t even know what PHI is and Q was just going on and on about shit I never thought I’d have to deal with. I just thought there was trust between us and if you were unsure of things, you would come to me and speak to me.” He says. 

“I panicked. I’m sorry –

“No, don’t do that. I don’t want you apologizing. You were right to stand up for yourself and seek help from people who are hired to remedy such situations. I’m just concerned about your interactions with Thando when you return from your leave”, he says. 

I didn’t think about that.

“But anyway, I wish you all the best in your recovery journey and I wanted to guarantee you that your job will be waiting for you when you return”, he says.

“Thank you, sir”, I say.

“And Portia, while you expect everyone around you to work on their ability to accommodate you, you also need to work on your communication skills. I run my office the way that I do because I don’t want people Q and her team coming in here and instructing me on how to manage my team.” He continues. 

“I understand, sir.” I say. 

He nods his head then says, “Will you be comfortable doing that PHI stuff with Sli? I’m really busy. I’ll just sign whatever I need to sign after the two of you have populated those forms. Q and her team design forms for a living. I know I could easily spend seven hours just completing forms with that team.” 

We both laugh. 

“It’s fine, sir. I will ask Sli to help me complete the forms then we will send them to you for your signature when we are done.” I say. 

He nods his head. 

“All the best with your recovering. Don’t worry about anything as far as work is concerned. And if there is anything more that we can do, please feel free to reach out and let us know.” He says. 

I just want to hug him. He is such a nice man. 

“Chief”, Mr Ramaru barges into the office without knocking. 

We both look at him. 

“This looks important”, he says pointing at both Mr Msomi and I, “[b]ut I need you for something urgent.” 

“It’s okay, we were done anyway.” I say. 

“See you in a few months, Portia.” Mr Msomi says, standing up from the couch. 

“In a few months? Going somewhere?” Mr Ramaru asks me. 

“Just leave”, I say. 

“For a few months? People usually take a few days off.” Mr Ramaru says. 

Mr Msomi can see my discomfort, so he intervenes and says, “Chief, what’s the emergency?” 

I use this distraction to leave his office. 

I get to my desk and I notice that all eyes are on me. No one is saying anything, but everyone is looking at me – judging me. I know people in this office are extremely protective over Mr Msomi because he is such a nice guy. They are giving me this treatment because they think I got their favourite guy into trouble. I reported Thando, not him. But I’m not going to say anything. I’d rather have Thando be surprised by her emails notifying her of her disciplinary discussion for bullying me. But knowing Mr Msomi, he will not discipline Thando. He will fight for her. That’s just who he is. So she is just going to get away with it. I might as well address her myself while I have my immunity from Qaqamba. 

“Is there something that you would like to say to me?” I ask Thando, looking her straight in the eye. 

“Don’t you get tired?” She says to me. 

“Of what?” 

“Of being you! You wake up every morning expecting sympathy from everyone and anyone you bump into. You open your mouth and expect to be understood because apparently, no one’s problems are bigger than yours. You take zero responsibility for anything and you play the victim in every situation. And when you are expected to just do what you get paid to do and are held accountable for it, you find your next plan – your next person to feel sorry for you so that you take no responsibility what-so-ever for just being yourself.” 

There is silence in the office. I am actually falling apart inside. 

“Please don’t faint on us again. We have had it with your theatrics around here.” She says. 

“You know, my life is not the bed of roses everyone thinks it is”, I say.

“Trust me, no one was thinking that. You broadcast your life so much, we have a pretty good idea how shitty your life is. But you know what annoys everyone about you – including the people you think understand – is that you don’t leave that shit at home. We all go through things. Our lives are falling apart too. But this is a place of work! When we come here, we come to work. Our conversations are work-related. When we engage, we engage about work.” Thando says. All the other PAs nod their heads in agreement. 

“I can’t just switch off from my life just because I am at work.” I say. 

“You are not required to switch off. You are required to be professional. That is a minimum requirement for every role that exists in the labour market. If that is something that you struggle with, then clearly, you just don’t belong in the workplace.” Thando says. 

“Zinzi, is –

Lydia walks in looking for Zinzi, but stops dead in her tracks when she sees the tension before her. She has her laptop in her hands, so she was clearly coming up here to work. She tries to study the situation then her eyes land on me. She sees the tears streaming down my face and the arrogance pasted on Thando’sface. 

“Portia, are you okay?” Lydia asks me. 

All the PAs present in this room have now suddenly become nervous, including Thando. I just breakdown and cry. I cannot hold it in. I am just breaking. 

Lydia holds my hand and pulls me into Mr Ramaru’s office. It is just the two of us in here. I see Mr Msomi and Mr Ramaru looking at us through Mr Msomi’s glass door. All the offices up here have glass doors – something to do with transparency. 

“What do you need?” Lydia says to me after I have cried my heart out in here. Mr Mthunzi and Mr Ramaru are inside of here as well now. I don’t know when they came inside. They are sitting on couches opposite the couch that I am sitting on. Lydia is the only one standing up. 

“What do you mean?” I ask her. 

“We are friends, right? You and I can be blunt about anything with each other, right?” She says. 

I nod my head. 

“Good, because I am going to be honest with you now and I will not sugar-coat what I am about to say.” She says. 

“Lydia – 

“Mthunzi, it has to be done.” Lydia cuts Mr Msomi mid-sentence. 

She turns her attention back to me. 

“This is your third job within this company, Portia. Third. You keep being thrown lifelines by everyone around here. You get more consideration, more care, more everything. Did you think that would get you likes around here? Did you think that people like Thando would go easy on you? The average person would have long been fired if they were in your shoes. You asked to stay. You begged for chances. Why are you struggling to carry the responsibilities of the things that you have asked for?” Lydia says. 

Mr Ramaru and Mr Msomi are extremely uncomfortable. 

“Portia, do you understand the position that I had to put my boyfriend in for you? Having his authority and professionalism as a CEO questioned because you asked to move teams. Or you just don’t care?” Lydia says to me. 

I look at Mr Ramaru. He is extremely uncomfortable, but happy that this conversation is taking place. Clearly it is long overdue. 

“Portia, do you understand the hoops that Mthunzi – 

“Please leave my name out of this”, Mr Msomi says. 

Lydia looks at him for a split second then looks at me again and continues, “[d]o you understand the hoops that Mthunzi had to jump through to create work for you? To create a position for you? Having to sit in endless HR meetings knowing very well how much he dislikes HR. You just wake up every day, come to work and annoy us with your entitlement – not understanding the background battles being fought for you to walk around here with that arrogance and entitlement.” 

I am silent. I don’t know what to say. It is very quiet in here. 

Lydia takes a deep breath then sits next to me. 

“Take some time off, Portia. While you are away, think about whether or not being in the labour market is something that you want to do. If not, find another passion and start a business. I will personally help you in making sure that your business stands and runs efficiently. You know I’m good at doing that. But if you come back here and make the decision to work, know that your lifeline has expired. One foot out of line – and I am saying this in front of Mthunzi – I will personally fire you. And I am giving myself the authority to do so because I am the same person you annoyed to have you put in this position.” 

People like Lydia will never understand. Life is not as easy as having two options to pick from when it comes to choosing how you will sustain yourself and look after your family. 

“I’ll help you pack up your bags and take whatever you need to your car”, Lydia says standing up and giving Mr Ramaru her laptop, telling him that he and Mr Msomi can go over the spreadsheet she has opened. She explains that it is something she put together and they’ll discuss it further when she gets back. 

We pack my bags and a box of things that I’ll take with me. The office is silent. I look at Mr Msomi and Mr Ramaru through the glass door of Mr Ramaru’soffice and they are giggling about and drinking whiskey. If only I could be a fly on that wall and hear what is being said and celebrated. 

“Ready?” Lydia asks me, holding one of my boxes.

I nod my head. As we make our way out, she pauses at Thando’s desk and says, “[d]o I need to give you a tutorial on where your place is around here?” 

Thando stares at her. Honestly, I am shocked and happy that this happening. 

“You are not the new Pearl. And I am getting tired of you behaving as if Pearl left you the “bitch” ropes around here. If you are going to continue to behave like this is your grandfather’s farm and all the employees around here are your cows to milk and slaughter for beef, I will be the National Party and take that farm away from you very quickly.” 

Yho Lydia! 

Thando’s tears are at the door, ready for release.

“I’ll ask again, do you need a tutorial?” 

Thando shakes her head. 

“I’ll be sure to check in again when Portia returns. Because your lifeline around here depends on it.” Lydia says. 

Ja no, she woke up this morning prepared to suspend lifelines on everyone’s job.

I just give Thando one last smile then follow Lydia out of here.