Today is Rena’s funeral. Ey, it’s just very tense, and Ruri has been very depressed about this funeral. I’ve been seeing her everyday, that I made sure of. But there are obviously restrictions and I’ve respected each and every restriction. Because this is a royal funeral, there are things that have to be adhered to. Ruri told me that I’ll be sitting close to the family because she wants to sit next to me. I was really okay with sitting so far from the front that I barely hear what’s being done in the front. But Ruri wants me next to her. I asked Khosini to come with me. He’s actually doing so well now that he works for Wehweh’s dad. He has a mentor and everything. I can actually see him become a better man. Wehweh’s dad honestly saved his life. I bought Wehweh a Swiss wristwatch to say thank you. I kept it respectful because gifts can send off the wrong message sometimes, and I respect both my partner and hers. 

I’m wearing an all black suit – Khosini too. He arrived at 3:30am because he had to drive here. There are still no flights coming in or going out of the kingdom post those floods we had. We were told to wear all black suits, shoes and shirts. But… the jacket neh… it’s made out of a black and grey sanna marena blanket. Angisashi angisashi! I’m so grateful for the rain and cold today shame. I was going to suffer in the heat. 

I make my way downstairs to my kitchen. Khosini and I have to leave now because we have to be at the royal house at 4:30am. We leave the house at 5am. Imagine! It’s dark! It’s cold! It’s raining! But I understand. Umngcwabo wasebukhosini. 

“You ready to go?” I ask Khosini as I get to the kitchen. My mom and grandmother are both still fast asleep. 

“Yeah. You are driving, right? I’m exhausted.” He says. 

“Sure, I’ll drive. Let’s go.”

We leave. He’s also dressed like me. And it’s so cold so this sanna marena jacket is the MVP right now.

As we drive to the royal house, and after two phone calls from Ruri already asking me how far we are, Khosini says to me: 

“Mom was talking to me yesterday over the phone.” 

Of course she was. 

He looks at me as if trying to understand if I care or not. 

“She was telling me that her beef with Ruri is affecting your relationship with her, so she’s thinking about moving out with gogo so they can give you and Ruri some space.”

I’m already bored with this entire conversation and I’m yet to hear where it’s going. 

“So I was thinking…” he continues. I’m still very quiet. 

“That we should let her stay at dad’s house –

“No!” I instantly say. 

“Ndoda –

“That house was left to Wandi and I. Dad knew that you and mom are just irresponsible. Mom almost moved that nutcase of hers into our father’s house. Imagine!” 

“Ja, but he’s gone now. And mom has been doing a lot better. Futhi this is what ubaba would’ve wanted. You know mom was his true love”. 

This one and his undying hope for his parents – even when our dad himself has died and left his hope behind. 

“Come on… it’s just her and gogo. What are they going to do with the place? Or do you enjoy watching this back-and-forth between your mom and your girlfriend?”

“You know, I can’t wait for the day you also find someone, so we see if Ruri is the issue or if mom just doesn’t want to see us dating. And I’m not having this conversation without Wandi. She needs to be here too. That’s her house too.”

He’s quiet. 

He doesn’t like Wandi and Tholoana. To him, anyone who wasn’t birthed by both Nathi and Thandeka are the reason why his family fell apart. I really hope he doesn’t become a whore of a husband because I’ll remind him of all of this. 

“And if there’s an expectation of me taking care of her, I want Tholoana in that conversation too. I’m not Thandeka’s only child. I do my part as her eldest son, yes, but she has three boys and we must all do our part because all three of us can afford to look after her.”

He’s quiet. 

You can just see that he’s disgusted by the thought alone. 

The rest of our drive is silent. 

We get to the royal house. I park my car at the far end so I don’t get stuck in traffic when we head to the community hall. Also, I don’t want the community people to see that I have a big car then start asking me for lifts. 

I lock the car then we make our way to the gate. 

Ruri phones me again. 

“Baby”, I answer my phone. 

“Where are you, baby?”

Yaz, it’s 4:45am. I’m early. I’m cold. I’m already wet from the rain. Thank God I have the Mercedes Benz big ass umbrella with me that I never take out of my boot. 

“We are at the gate now.”

“Are you going to come in?”

“Hai Ruri, no. I can’t do that. I’ll wait here at the gate.”

“Okay. Thank you for being here. I love you.”

“I love you, baby.”

I see Tholoana approaching us. I receive him as he greets me with a handshake. Khosini just looks at him. I’m so glad that Tholoana is not even moved. 

“Ruri said I must come fetch you”, he says. 

I look at him. He looks at me. We laugh. 

“I’m not going in there”, I say. 

“Okay, we will be out in a bit neh”, he says. 

“Sho. No pressure. We will just be out here.” I say. 

He heads back in the house again. Khosini looks triggered and I don’t understand what his issue is.

Wandi also comes out to say hi to me. I know it’s weird that I’m out here because truthfully speaking, I’m dressed like all the people that are in that house. Kodwa angingeni! Ngihleli lapho. 

“Hey”, she greets me. She’s with Melo. Melo jumps on me and I decide that she will be my friend for the day. Senzi is right behind them, so I greet him. The three of us (excluding Khosini) stand together chatting. We don’t even realise that Khosini has left. That motherfucker! 

I call him.

“What?!” He answers his phone and he sounds like he’s in a car. I search myself for my car keys and I find them in my pocket. So he didn’t take my car.

“Where are you?” I ask him.

“I requested a taxi. I’ve gone back to your place. You don’t need me there. Dad’s and mom’s dirty secrets are there keeping you company. I’m going to sleep. I’m tired.” Then he hangs up! 

Piece of shit! I’m sure this one was created with my dad’s weakest sperm and my mom’s worst egg. 

“He left?” Senzi. 

“Cabanga!” Me. 

Also, it just hit me that these two are probably here for my umbrella as well. The minute I took Melo, Senzi held my umbrella. 

“Sanibonani”, Mam’Phuthi greets us. She’s holding four closed umbrellas. 

“Mah, Kunjani?” Me. 

“Ngiyaphila. You look so handsome.” She says. 

I just smile. 

“I thought Khosini was also here.” She says. 

“He left”, I say.

“Oh okay. So who are you driving with?”

“Alone.” 

“We will go with him.” Wandi says. 

“Okay. But stay close to the family cars. Here are your umbrellas. That’s a very nice umbrella, Khanya, but please use this one. It has Rena’s portrait printed in white on the black.” 

Yaz these people have money. Printing umbrellas?! 

As I accept the umbrella from her, Senzi closing mine, I also notice that the finishing of the umbrella is the blanket that was used to make the jacket that I’m wearing. 

Yoh! 

I see Ruri walking towards us. 

She’s already crying. 

She just comes into a hug and I hug her too. She also has her umbrella. 

“I’m riding with you”, she says to me. 

Okay. My car is officially full. 

I just nod my head. 

“Baby, let’s go”, Rena’s dad says to Mam’Phuthi. 

They hold hands and disappear to some place in the yard. 

Basotho dancers come out first. They are performing, followed by the army. As the coffin comes, covered in the kingdom’s flag, Wandi and Ruri fall apart. Ruri falls apart in my arms. Wandi is falling apart in Senzi’s arms. Melo has somehow fallen asleep on my shoulder.

I just feel heavy. This is too sad. 

As the coffin is being loaded, Ruri’s brother greets me with a handshake for the first time EVER! I’m shocked! 

“You’ll follow us?” He says to me. 

Yeh?! 

“Sho”, I say. 

“Stay close”, him. 

I’m so confused. He’s NEVER nice to me. 

My people and I walk to the car.  

I already spot people trying to see if they can get a ride with me. I did say this would happen, but thankfully, my car is full! 

We get inside the car. The Mercedes Benz umbrella goes back to the – 

“Sorry, may I please borrow your umbrella? We are walking?” An old-ish lady who is probably my mom’s age says. She’s with a man I’m assuming is her husband. I know I’ll never see my R3500 umbrella ever again. God! Please multiply these blessings. 

I give them my umbrella.

“Rea leboha abuti. God bless you.” She says. 

I close my boot then get in my car. The car starts moving. Senzi is sitting in the front with me. Ruri, Wandi and Melo are at the back. 

I watch the lady with my umbrella and her husband walking… being romantic under my umbrella. My heart follows them because eish…

… 

The funeral was so sad. I even shed a tear or two. I couldn’t even be on my phone because it was streaming live and I was very much in the screen because Ruri had me sitting with chief mourners. 

I liked Rena. She was crazy. Her brain operated on its own frequency and her biggest frustration was that she felt extremely misunderstood. There were times when I really thought I understood her more than she thought. She just wanted to be heard. She wanted her feelings to matter. She wanted her family and friends to understand that she was a princess, yes, but she was not princess Diana. She didn’t want to follow the life that was set out for her as if her entire life was not a choice. She wanted people to understand that her mother’s death really hurt her – and not be told that she was so young she probably has no memory of her mother. She wanted people to understand that before Mam’Phuthi came around, she only had bitches that fucked her father around her, not a mother… and it hurt her. My most vivid memory of her that will probably always stick with me was when my mother and I got into a huge fight, and I was complaining about how shitty she was. Rena said to me, “shitty or not, she’s the one who was chosen for you. And you still have the blessing of having her in your life as a living and breathing ancestor. Thank God for that at least.” 

I’ll miss her crazy ass. 

I’ll miss her telling me that she’s my second wife whether I liked it or not because she and Ruri are a buy one get one free special. Lol! Crazy! But she’s resting now. She’s with that guy of hers she honestly believed was the love of her life. She’s with her mother now. Wherever she is, she’s happy. 

We are now outside the hall eating. There are glass tents to accommodate everyone who has come. And people have come in their numbers. Our tent is also huge. I find myself sitting with Ruri, her brother, his wife and their kids. Wandi, Senzi, Melo, Rea, Mapho, Wehweh, Mnqobi, Sasi and other people are also here with us. The kids start playing together, sitting together on two couches next to each other. 

The mood is so… 

Eish… 

We eat and finish in silence. 

And then… 

Out of nowhere…

Squads and squads of police park their cars… helicopters land even…. 

Before we know it… there are arrests. 

The king 

Moholo Khotso 

Ruri’s dad 

Mnqobi’s dad 

Their wives are in panic mode. 

Their kids are losing their minds.

Ruri and Wandi are… 

The arrested men are put in a helicopter then the helicopters take off. 

An awkward silence of disbelief dresses the moment. 

And then…

Mayhem!