We have moved into a new house in Gauteng – Hyde Park. It’s close to Fifi’s and Rea’s house. They helped us move in and unpack because… well… how do I put this? Tee-le knocked me up again and Khumo is still on her way to two years old. I was on contraceptives and he still got me pregnant. I was first angry, but now I’m just wrapping my head around it. I’m grateful that we are not struggling financially. But I was looking forward to starting something of my own now that Khumo is in crèche, and be so much more than just a mother and a housewife. Being pregnant is giving me another three years off investing in Thulisile… it’s three years of being Tee-le’s pretty and nice housewife as well as Khumo’s and the new baby’s mother. I’m just beginning to feel a bit trapped within myself.

Tee-le walks into my reading room – yes, I have a reading room – and finds me deep in thought, rubbing my belly and a bit teary. He sits next to me. He takes a deep breath. He knows that I’m not excited about this pregnancy. I have been very clear about that. But I also know that it’s making him sad because this is his dream coming true. The dream of just having endless babies and always having a barefoot and pregnant wife all the time. 
He holds my hand. 
“I’m sorry for taking the experience away from you”, I say. 
“It’s okay. I don’t know how to really support you because it doesn’t feel as if anything would work. You are against having this child and it’s arrival date gets closer by the day.” He says. 
I’m quiet. 
“Khumo asked me why your tummy is getting bigger. I don’t even know how to tell her that in the next four months, she will have a sibling. You don’t seem to want –
“Ja mara Tee-le angisho I’m having the child. I’m five months pregnant. Ucabanga ukuthi I can abort at this stage of the pregnancy?!” Now he’s just making me angry. 
When we start arguing, he gets up and leaves. And he does just that now.
“Tee-le, uyaphi? Uyaphi? Siyakhuluma!” 
“Ngiyolanda uKhumo!” Just like that, he’s gone.
I just chill in here and cry. 

…

I passed out mid-crying. Now, I’m being woken up by Fifi. She’s with Nene, Mfundo’s wife. 
“Hey girl”, Fifi says. 
I open my eyes wide and sit up. 
“How did you guys get in?” I ask them. 
“The guys are downstairs. Tee-le told us that you are up here.” Nene. 
“Mxm!” Me. 
“Hawu Thuli, yini?” Nene. 
I take a deep breath and shake my head with my eyes closed.
“Do you remember how I was when I was pregnant with the twins? I didn’t even tell Rea for months. I was contemplating abortion. I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want them. I felt so bad about hating my own children, Thuli. About not wanting them. But the moment they were born, I just fell in love like I’ve never been in love before. I saw both myself and Reahile in them, blended in them so beautifully and ready to do so much more in life than what Reahile and I would do. Thuli, there are things I’ll never reveal to Rea – like how I turned at an abortion door three times.” Fifi says. 
Why am I crying? I’m just gushing in tears. 
“People make pregnancy so glamorous and easy… as if it’s the best thing that could ever happen to you. And you know, it probably is. But your life changes forever. You could be on baby number four and still not be used to it. It’s insane. Your body changes. Your life is turned upside down. But when these people are here and you yell all day like you work at a creche… something about that madness is so worth it. So so so worth it. These little people are crazy, complicated and rely on us for everything. That’s why we love them so much. They make the journey- no matter how complicated it is – worth it.” Nene says. 
I start laughing. 
“I think we should have our own mom-club of three. We should meet up often and just help each other fricken BREATHE.” Fifi says. 
“Yes please!” Me. 
We laugh. 
“Actually, we can even go on holiday together – just the three of us – and leave the dads to take over the house and the kids.” Nene. 
We laugh, but I need it. I do. 
“Also, one of the things I’m most upset about is not having a life outside of all this. I don’t want to hate being a mother and a wife. But it can’t be all there is to me. I need to do something with my life.” I say. 
“Well, there’s a project that we are working on at work. It’s got to do with health support for mothers and children. But it gave me an idea of possibly doing something business-ey with it.” Nene. 
“We could even start clothing lines, baby decor lines where we design baby rooms in terms of set up, decor and baby linen”, me. 
“Alongside developing premium baby essentials- feeding bottles, pacifiers, blankets…” Fifi. 
“And we could try get a tender with government for providing supplies to baby sections of hospitals.” Nene. 
I’m actually happy. I’m glad they are here. If the plan was to make me excited about this pregnancy, it’s working. 
“I’m the only one here without a job, so let me put the business plan together then we can meet up over the weekend to discuss?” Me.
We are happy, man. Happy! 
We chat a bit more then make our way downstairs. 

We hear the noise before we see the faces. The kids are screaming and playing. The men are talking and laughing. How is neither of them bothered about this noise? 
The guys see us, stop talking and focus on us. The kids see us and decide to sprint to us with their noise.
Nene is the only one who has well-behaved kids. It may be because they are slightly older than my Khumo and Fifi’s twins, but shame, I’d take them any day. 
Tee-le is reading me, trying to figure out if it’s safe for him to come to me. Everyone notices that there is a sudden tension between us. There is complete silence. 
I put Khumo on my hip then walk up to Tee-le. He stands up as I approach him. Everyone is watching us. 
I throw my arms around him and hold onto him. He receives me. He holds me tight. 
“I’m so sorry”, I say. 
“I love you”, he says. 
“You guys are hurting me”, Khumo. 
Everyone laughs. 
We come out of our hug and he takes Khumo from me. I see now that Fifi and Nene are tucked into their men. I tuck myself into mine. 
“Mommy, why do you have a growing tummy?” Khumo.
Eish. 
“Because she’s having a baby”, Liso, Nene’s and Mfundo’s son says. 
“A baby? But I’m her baby.” Khumo. 
“They are having another one. So, you are going to have a sister or a brother. Like me and Liso. And like Mulalo and Mohau.” Mbali, Nene’s and Mfundo’s daughter. 
Khumo thinks about it. I honestly would have never put it that way. 
“Can I have a sister?” Khumo looks at me and says.
“Daddy buys the baby. I just carry it. Ask him.” I say because I don’t know how else to say that the sex of this child is up to her dad’s semen. 
“Daddy? Please????”
The guys laugh. 
“Let’s just pray for a healthy baby”, Tee-le says. He’s looking at me and shaking his head. I’m just giggling.
Maybe this isn’t a bad thing after all.
“Manje, the wedding? Wasn’t it supposed to happen when you outgrew Khumo’s baby fat?” Mfundo asks us. 
“Ayi, it will happen after this baby ke“, I say. 
“But you are so gorgeous! Wena pregnancy treats you well because even with Khumo, you were stunning! You’d make a stunning pregnant bride.” Fifi. 
“It’s not happening, babes. I refuse to be a pregnant bride.” 
Laughter fills my lounge area. And shame, I’m not joking. 

…

“Coffee?” I offer her. 

She smiles at me and accepts the cup. 
Shack is upstairs with the boys. He doesn’t have training or a game today. I guess he feels guilty about his infidelity because when he doesn’t have training or a game, he spends time with us. His daughter passed away two months ago. They were prepared for it and they were expecting it, but they are still hurting. Especially Shack. It’s as if he blames himself for her death. He even made me go to the funeral with him. To say that I was uncomfortable would be an understatement. But Thuli and Tee-le showed up for us. Tee-le sat with Shack – in between Shack and the mother – in front of the coffin. Thuli sat with me somewhere at the back of the hall. I was dragged on social media, no doubt. All sorts of things were said about me, especially because the child’s mother did a whole Instagram live and told people how evil I was as a stepmother. I’m actually annoyed about it. But before I could even address it, Paula was at my doorstep. Shack, Thuli, Tee-le and I were coming back to our house from the funeral and found Paula at our gate.
“And then?” I asked her. I didn’t even know that she had been discharged. 
“I need a place to stay”, she said. 
She’s been staying in our cottage ever since. 
Shack obviously told Leruo. Leruo came by, I suppose to fetch her. But she refused to leave with him. She told him she wanted a divorce. Leruo said no then left. 
I also don’t know what’s happening. 
I’m in her cottage now and we are about to gossip like we always do every morning, because honestly, I don’t know how else to be her friend. Paula doesn’t talk. She really doesn’t. She never lets anyone in. So, I have to work with what she gives me. 9/10 times, she wants to know what’s been happening while she was away. Here we are. 

“Nomzamo has Leruo seeing a psychologist.” She says.
Okay, we are not gossiping today. 
“For cheating?” I enquire. 
“Nope. Other things. Some of the critical issues that we had in our marriage”, she says. 
She’s speaking in codes again. 
“Paula, I’m your friend. I have no idea what’s happening, but Nomzamo knows so much to the extent that she can even have him go to a psychologist?” 
“It’s complicated, Renay”.
Really?! That’s all I get? She’s staying in my cottage, not Nomzamo’s cottage, and that’s all I get? But I don’t press. I just keep quiet. I don’t know what else to do. 
“I’m glad you and Shack have fixed things”, she says.
I don’t know how to answer. Because really, is she entitled to my issues when she can’t even share hers? I’m also not going to be truthful with her. I just say, “Thanks.” 
She looks at me and she knows I’m not sharing more than that. 
“Nomzamo is picking me up today. She’s letting me stay in her old house. I’ll be there for some time until I even know what’s happening.” She says. 
Her relationship with Nomzamo actually irritates me. I won’t lie. 
“And your kids?” I ask. 
“They’ll still be staying with Nomzamo and Leruo. I’m not ready to have them back.” 
“Paula, I don’t understand you. You want to divorce Leruo, but you still want to be reliant on his other wife, benefitting off lesithembu senu. If it’s such an issue in your life, how are you trusting Nomzamo so much?” 
“Renay, I’m not divorcing Leruo because he’s married to another woman.” 
I’m so confused. 
“So, why are you divorcing him?” I ask her. 
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Then she says, “I can’t talk about it.” 
Yoh hai. 
“I know I’m frustrating you. And I’m sorry. But I’ll be out of your hair and space within the next couple of hours. Thank you for everything though, Renay. Truly. Ngiyabonga. I’ll never forget this.” 
I just hug her. 

…

I’m in my bedroom now, lotioning myself. I just took a shower. Shack bathed the boys and gave me a bit of space to have a peaceful morning. 
I’m not sure how to describe where Shack and I are at right now. 
We are nice to each other. Civil. We have sex because we are married sexual beings. But we both feel the emotional disconnect. I know that he’s hurting and grieving over the death of his daughter. But I cannot bring myself to being there for him. I can’t. I don’t feel sorry for him. A part of me feels like he deserves this. He had no business making that baby in the first place. The way that I see it, God merely removed what was never supposed to be there to begin with. 

“Nay”, I hear him say.
I don’t answer him nor do I look at him. I just continue to lotion myself. 
“Baby, please.” 
I know what he’s asking. But I’m still so angry. 
I now feel his arms around me. 
“I’m sorry”, he says.
Today, I’m not going to cry. I’m going to be strong and we are going to talk about this.
“Why did you do it, Shack?” I’m still not looking at him. 
“I don’t know.” 
“Is it me? Am I lacking somewhere?” 
“No, baby. You are perfect.”
“Clearly, I’m not. You had an entire relationship with another woman for years, Meshack. Made and raised a child with her! You had an entire life with her! If I’m so perfect, what were you looking for and enjoying with her that you couldn’t find and enjoy with me?” 
He’s silent. 
“How did you meet her?” I ask him.
“Reneiloe, please.”
“Answer me, Meshack. How did you meet her?” 
He lets go of my body and sits on the bed. I’m still wrapped in a towel. I’m standing up. I don’t want to sit down.
“A few of the gents and I were out. There was an indoor netball tournament happening that Ndalo was part of, so Yaya asked us to go with him to watch it because he didn’t want to go by himself.” 
“You watch netball now? This is what you, Meshack Twala, do? You leave your house to go watch women in short dresses jump around a netball court?” 
He’s silent. 
“I’m asking you a question!”
He rubs his hands together.
“Renay, I’ll never apologise enough for that night.” 
I look at him. 
“You met her at a netball game then slept with her that same night?” 
He nods his head and says, “It was never supposed to be a relationship, so I wasn’t interested in getting to know her better. She was cute. She was coming onto me. Tee-le went home. Yaya, Leruo, ManQ and I took the girls to a hotel and shit happened.” 
“Why didn’t you follow Tee-le when he left?” 
“I don’t know. I didn’t know that the night would end up like that.”
I’m now pacing up and down the room. 
“So why continue with the relationship if that was never your intention?” I ask. 
“Ndalo gave her my number. She started stalking you, telling me that I had some nerve to just ‘hit and run’. She kept saying that akayenziwa kanjalo yena and if I wouldn’t finish what we started, she’d tell you about the fact that we fucked and she’d make our lives hell. She would literally camp outside our estate gate. I was scared that she’d end up harming you or our kids. So, I gave in. I asked her what she wanted and she told me she wanted to be my mistress. She said she’d not cause any issues. She’d stay in the dark and never even tell anyone that she’s my mistress. But if I ever did her dirty, she’d go public. I agreed. At first it was so that you never find out what happened, but I won’t lie, after some time, I enjoyed her company and I did feel like I could love you and still be with her. I didn’t love her. At all. That part, I’m sure about. Before I knew it, she was pregnant. I bought her a house. I bought her a car so she would be less dependent on me. I supported her financially. Anything to keep her away and to look after my child.” 
I’ve heard enough! 
I charge to the in suite bathroom. He runs after me and I almost hurt him when I slam the door. He stepped away on time. 
“RENEILOE, I’M SORRY!” 
We both cry. I can hear him crying and I’m crying so loud that he can hear me crying.
“Nay, please! I’m sorry!” 
I just cry my heart out. I actually fall asleep on the bathroom tile, in my towel. 

When I wake up, I’m in my bed. Blankets are covering me. There are some painkillers on my side table. It’s dark. Oh, my curtains are closed and they are block-out curtains. 
I get up from the bed. 
I have a headache from hell. 
My door opens. 
It’s Shack’s mother. Fucken hell! Had I known we are calling parents, I would have phoned mine too. I’m not an orphan you know. 
She gives me a plate of food and sits on one of my bedroom couches.
I don’t trust this woman. I’m not eating her food.
“Makoti”, she starts. 
“Mah?” 
“Eat your food.” She says. 
“I’m not hungry”, I say. 
She chuckles.
I don’t like her. I know she doesn’t like me too. Why are we doing this? Why is she acting like she wants to fix things between Shack and me? I’ll have you know that she got a whole Twala delegation to go and pay damages for Shack’s illegitimate daughter. Lalela, I want this woman out of my sight! 
“I’ve decided to come and live with you and Meshack”, she says. 
“FOR WHAT?!” 
“Ungang’phapheli wena, ntombazane. This is my son’s house.” 
“A court of law views this as my house too. And you are not welcome here.” I say.
“You and Meshack need some help.”
“I don’t need your help.” 
She’s quiet. 
Shack walks into the bedroom. 
“Hey, you are awake.” He says, walking towards me.
He gets into the bed and hugs me.
“Ufunani umah wakho la, Meshack?” 
“She’s going to help us.”
“HELP US WITH WHAT, MESHACK?! WHEN HAS SHE EVER HELPED US WITH ANYTHING?!” 
The mother is laughing. I’m going to shove her out of a window very soon. She has my nerves on probation.
“She’s not sleeping here.” I say.
“Are you the man in this house?” The audacity of this woman! 
“YOU SHUT UP! YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU’VE NEVER HELPED US! YOU’VE DESTROYED US MORE THAN YOU’VE HELPED US! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IN THIS HOUSE! AND WENA MESHACK, IF YOU CHOOSE ANOTHER WOMAN OVER ME ONE MORE TIME, WE ARE DONE!” 
“THIS IS MY SON, YOU EVIL GIRL!” 
Kanti she fears losing him too?
I just leave the bedroom. I find my kids and we drive off to my parents’ house. They live about an hour away from us. Maybe I do need some love from home. 

…

”

Love”, he walks into the kitchen and greets me.
“Hey baby”, me. 
“Did you sleep okay?” 
“I did. Wena?” 
He nods his head. 

Mohato and I are still together. He is bringing cows to my family next week then we are having a wedding celebration here in Tholoana Kingdom. Then I’ll be moving into the royal house. I love him. I do. But I wish he had his own life like Reahile does. I wish he didn’t want the throne and everything that it comes with. His family runs our lives and I don’t like it. I’m not even allowed to work. I have to work at their government offices as well as run that Sip & Read shop that the queen-mother refuses to sell and let go of, telling me that it’s Rena’s and Moloko’s legacy. 
Mohato works in government. But I think he also does some illegal things with his fathers. I keep bumping into guns, drugs and hectic money in our apartment. I think our apartment is actually one of their storage places for nonsense. My parents bought me this apartment after graduating. I don’t understand why Mohato wouldn’t respect that. He doesn’t even want me to sell this place. I know it has everything to do with them continuing their illegal shit in here. 

“I’d like to treat you to a holiday away”, he says. 
In other words, he is going away to possibly get arrested. 
“If you are not coming with me, I’m not going.” I say. 
“Why would I want to go on a girls’ trip? It’s for you and your girls”, he says.
Mxm! 
“I don’t want to go away. I want to be here with you. Or go away with you”, I say. 
He takes a deep breath. 
“Zari –
“Mohato, we need to go, monna.” His dad walks into our house and says. 
He observes the situation and realises that Mohato hasn’t won in getting rid of me. 
“What’s wrong?” He asks.
Silence. 
“Eh monna! Keng?! We need to go!” He says. 
“What’s the hold up?” The other dad barges in and asks. He looks at me, takes in the situation then says, “Take her to Remo. They’ll all go on holiday together.” 
Heh! 
“Babe, can we –
“No, Mohato! The answer is no!” 
“Mohato, we don’t have time for this! Reahile is already waiting for us and the first vault is already open. If he can manage his wife and children, I don’t see what it is exactly that you are struggling with here. Pope has us on countdown. If Zari doesn’t want to leave, leave her here and let’s move the fuck on!” 

Mohato kisses my cheek and runs out of here with his dads. 
Reahile is in on this too? 
Let me phone Rofhiwa. She might know what’s going on. 
I dial her number. My signal is automatically jammed. I can’t make calls? 
“What are you doing?” 
I literally fly off my bed in utter shock. When the hell did he get into my house? Let alone my bedroom? 
“I asked you a question. Why are you phoning Rofhiwa?” He asks me. 
“Uncle Shaka, I –
“Yes?” 
Silence.
He leaves the bedroom. Just as I catch my breath, three masked men come in and take me away.