Portia

So the president has announced that the country is officially under lockdown. My child has been sick all night. I asked Lydia to come and help me, but she hung up on me. 

Now, it is 7am. My husband and I are taking our 5month old daughter to the public hospital and we are walking because there are no taxis available. We are walking as fast as our legs will carry us. Miles will not stop phoning me. I told him that my child is not well this morning, so I could not make the virtual team meeting to discuss how the warehouse will operate. I do not understand why he is busy phoning me. 

My husband eventually tells me to just switch off my phone and I do just that without even thinking twice about it. Why am I not going back to the office job? Life was so much simpler for me when I was there. I was actually treated like a professional, not a slave. 

We finally reach the hospital and the security guards give us such a hard time with all their questions and us having to manually fill in details about Covid-19 symptoms. Then we are told that that only one of us can go inside with the baby. The security guard even said, “If that baby could walk, she would go inside by herself.” We decide that my husband will go inside with Khetha and I will attend Miles’s team meeting from my cellphone. I hope I have enough data. 

After Khetha and my husband go into the hospital, I stand at the gate. I actually sit next to the mamas who are selling non-barcoded and non-SABS approved products. I switch my cellphone on and I see a dozen missed calls from Miles. I phone Jackson instead and explain my situation to him. I then ask him to dial me into the meeting because I am on the streets and cannot exactly pull out a laptop. It is also very possible that I do not have data to connect. His airtime dialling me into the call makes more sense. Plus, I don’t have my laptop on me. He agrees with me and is definitely more sympathetic than what Miles is. 

After a few minutes, I am dialled into the team meeting on my cell. Miles tells the team that we will be given permits to work under lockdown. The company will organise a bus that will transport us to and fro between work and where we live. We just need to sign up for it, especially those of us who use public transport. Then he says we will come in on a rotational basis as we cannot be more than ten in the workplace to observe the social distancing requirements. Just as I am about to unmute myself and ask my question, some person comes out of no where and grabs my phone. This guy runs away before I can even stand up from where I am sitting. I am honestly just sitting here and sobbing now. Bad luck follows me everywhere. I just have to wait for my husband and child. Then I will connect with my laptop and make my calls. We do not even have Wi-Fi at home. I will use my husband’s phone to Hotspot. 

…

I am exhausted and sad when I get home. Unawe, Minenhle and Simphiwe all come to me and tell me that they need laptops and Wi-Fi. Simphiwe just like things, so I know his school did not ask for any of that. I will have to give Unawe my work laptop and my husband will let Minenhle use his work laptop. Now, to find this Wi-Fi thing and how will we pay for it? Ngapha, I don’t even have a phone anymore?

My husband let’s me hotspot with his phone then I log onto Microsoft teams with the intention to contact Miles. 
I bump into, instead, a verbal warning. I do not even read it. I phone him immediately. He does not answer my call. I phone him again. Nothing. I can see that he is online. Why is he not answering my phone calls?  

I phone Jackson, he does not answer my phone calls neither. This cannot be happening. They are all turning on me already? I phone Rachel, my HR lady. She picks up after two rings. 
“Rachel, hello”. 
“Rachel, this is Portia. Can you talk?” I say. 
“Sure, Portia. What’s up?” She says. 
“When am I moving back to Palesa’s team?” I ask. 
“You do know that’s not permanent, right?” Rachel says. 
“Please answer my question”, me. 
“When you are needed again. For now, you are needed at the warehouse”, she says. 
“Rachel, I’ve been given a verbal warning. Unfairly so may I add. My child has been sick and I have been running up and down trying to get her help all morning. I had to join this team meeting while I was outside the hospital trying to get my daughter help. In the middle of that meeting, my phone got stolen by some boys and they ran away with it. I had to wait for my daughter to be attended to, then come back home to connect and reach out to Miles. Now, he’s not answering my phone calls and he gave me a verbal warning.” I am lashing out and crying. I am not coping at all. This is just too much. 
“Portia, now that I have you on the line and you are raising all of these issues, I would like to have a meeting with you and Miles. Can we arrange that for tomorrow morning or late this afternoon?” She says. She sounds as if she does not believe me or anything of the things that I am telling her. 
“Fine. Tomorrow, I am going into the warehouse tomorrow.” I say. 
“Perfect”, she says. 
We hang out. 

I am honestly stressed out for the rest of the evening.
…

I am at the office by 7am today. The bus fetched us quite early to ensure this. We have now been screened and have been allocated to our respective stations to work in today. I saw Rachel walk in with Miles and Jackson. Soon after that, Miles calls me into his office. 

“Portia, we would like you to know that you are an incredibly hard worker and we appreciate all the hard work and effort that you put in your work. It does not go unnoticed”, Rachel starts. I am looking at her because I want her to say what she wants to say and not beat about the bush. I do not break eye-contact. 

“You see Portia, your performance has been incredibly impacted in the past year. It is possible that the things that have happened in your personal life have impacted your ability to perform this particular function that this company has hired you to do. Where we are right now and what is required of each employee in the warehouse, you have not shown us that you can still handle it. The role has changed and we have tried to upskill you. As of how the role stands today, you are no longer meeting the required standards of this role. Therefore, before we proceed with managing your performance formally, we would like to offer you a payout and you leave the company on mutual separation grounds.” Rachel says. 

I am so taken aback I cannot even breathe properly. She carries on speaking, putting figures into this conversation and the only thing going through my mind is, “How am I going to support my family? I need this job. Now a pandemic just hit the world, who is going to hire me?
After a few tears have sprinted down my face, I stand up and walk out of the office. I grab my bags in the lockers then charge out. I start off by walking, not seeing or hearing anything or anyone. I see one taxi – probably the delinquent that chooses to operate no matter what, and it takes me straight home. 

When I get home, everyone is just busy. I just go to my room and I see Khetha sleeping next to my husband. I just want to be alone and scream! But my house is too crowded for me to even breathe. I just want to be alone and think about everything. But every damn room in this house is populated with someone. I just feel like I am losing my mind. 

Later in the evening, my family is eating in the kitchen and I am in my room. I am lying on my bed and am deep within my thoughts. I am even crying. I try to take deep breaths, but nothing is releasing my heart from this heavy burden it is carrying. My phone being stolen is a blessing in disguise because if anyone were to phone me right now needing my help, I would kill myself. 

My husband is now standing in front of me. I did not even hear him come in. 
“Portia, what’s going on, my love? You are worrying me now”, he says.
“They want me out. Miles, Jackson and Rachel called me into Miles’ office and they offered me money to leave the company because I am no longer performing at the required standard”, I tell him. 
He takes a deep breath, trying very hard to be there for me, then says, “Take it,my love. You are not happy. The kids are stressing out because they don’t like to see you in this state. At the end of the day, the most important thing to us is your happiness.” 
Something inside of me just explodes. It has been a long time, but the explosion will be directed at the wrong person. But I need to let this out before it suffocates me to death. 

“Unawe is going to university next year. Is my happiness going to pay for that? Minenhle and Simphiwe still have to go to school. Is my happiness going to pay for that? We all need to eat and we need to support all these people in our families who do not care to work as hard as we do. What are we going to eat? My happiness?” I am yelling. I can hear Khetha crying from my room. 
“Portia, I am just trying to be supportive. I am not fighting with you. It is not nice to me, your husband, to see you this way. This is not a once in a while thing. You are always this upset. That job of yours is not worth it.” He yells back. 
Then finally, it happens: the long-awaited scream I have been needing to let out for the longest time. I let it out. I SCREAM!!!! Just as I fall to my knees screaming, my husband catches me in his arms and soothes me. I breakdown in his arms. 

Before I go to sleep, I check my emails as I contemplate whether I will go into the office or not, I see an email from Miles. It is a written warning this time. 

Agh! I wish that man doesn’t make it to the toilet in time and shits in his pants while running to the toilet.