It has been fifteen years that I have spent behind bars. Today, I am a forty-three-year-old free woman. I did my time, but none of it was good behaviour. My daughter, Wandisa, is a groovy beautiful woman now. She is twenty-five years old now. She’s a sassy grown woman that I did my best to raise behind bars. 

You see, her father is a married man who came into my life and turned my life upside down for the worst. I lost my jobs. My businesses. My reputation and my child. I needed to beg his wife to raise my child for me. But in the end, I had to remove her from that situation. Nathi had other children with his wife, Thandeka, and she had a way of differentiating between my daughter and her kids with Nkosinathi. So, I asked her to take my child to boarding school and just let her grow up there. They paid her fees. I did the rest from behind these bars. 

“Mah!” She’s here. My child. She’s waiting for me. She’s the spitting image of her father. But she’s grown into this bright young woman that I’m so proud to call my daughter. Now, she’s here to pick me up with her Polo TSI from prison. One day, I’m going to buy her one of the cars that I used to drive when I was hot and relevant. 

She hugs me so tightly. 

I’m so thankful that I detached her from Thandeka. When she went to university, she made sure that she visited me every weekend in prison, and we would just talk. I told her everything there was to know about me and everything that is true about her father and me.  She told me that she still had a relationship with Thandeka and she likes that relationship because as distant as her father is her, she feels close to him because of Thandeka. Thandeka lets her visit the house as often as she likes. She has a relationship with her younger siblings. She’s part of their perfect little family and I’m happy for her. All I’d ever want is for her to be happy. Honestly, it’s the only thing that I can really offer her at this point. 

We drive away from this correctional centre and when I see the sign “Never Again” staring at me, I swear that indeed, never again will I be behind these bars. 

“I was watching this show called The Wire. When one of the main gangsters came out of jail neh – his name is Avon Barksdale – his best friend bought him new clothes to wear so he could throw the prison clothes out the window. I thought it was pretty cool. So here, I got you new clothes. Please lady – throw out the jail bird and be this glam mother that I know you really want to be inside”, she says. 

We both laugh. 

She’s such a silly little girl. 

I’m changing into these high-waste baby blue pants and a white tank top. She even bought me heels. 

“Now throw out those prison stuff! Whoooooo!” She says. 

This child mara.

But I throw out my clothes and I do the whole “whoooooo” with her. It feels so good! So so good! Oh man! There’s no better feeling than this. 

I’m out. I’m with my daughter. Oh man. God is faithful. It’s okay if I never see Nathi again. But I do need to get out there and make a plan for my daughter and I to move out of this “ama-rooms” situation that she lives in here in Orlando, Soweto. 

We arrive at where she stays and there are no cars in the yard. I’m sure people have gone to work. She parks the car then she leads me to her room. She unlocks the security gate then the door. We walk in. 

“Welcome home, mom. This is us for now.” She says. 

It’s actually nice. It’s a huge open plan space.

She has couches in here that look very expensive. It’s one two-seater couch and two single seater couches. The two-seater couch is navy blue and the single couches are yellow. 

In front of these couches is a mounted 65inch plasma TV. Then, there is her bed – a king sized bed that is dressed in Egyptian cotton bedding. This room feels like a hotel. 

“It’s not big kodwa – 

“It’s bigger than the cell I had to share with fifteen other people.” 

“Fifteen? Yho mama, I can’t even host fifteen people in here. I wouldn’t want to. They’d just mess up my stuff.” She says. 

I just laugh. 

She’s such a grown woman. 

“I bought you some stuff. You can have the cupboard. I’ve emptied it. We will go shopping together and get you more stuff. I’ll take the chest of drawers.” She says.

The cupboard is black and just nice. There is space here. A lot of it. And it’s nice space. The chest of drawers is wide and long, with ten drawers to it. It’s black. It’s beautiful. The one empty wall in here is a full mirror wall. This girl has taste. I’m even beginning to forget that we are in a township here. 

I walk into the bathroom because I kinda didn’t bath this morning. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want anyone taking a chance on me because they knew that I was leaving. I didn’t want anything ruining the chance of me being with my daughter this very moment. 

The bathroom is tiled with grey tiles. Her bathtub is that stand alone bathtub and it’s massive. She has a shower as well that is black and dimmed. Her basin is lovely. The toilet is stunning. There are Egyptian cotton white towels in here and they feel AMAZING! 

“I bought you that pink salt from the taxi rank, mama. Bath yourself with it and just clean everything that you could have gathered inside. You are not going back in there. Okay?” She says to me. 

“Okay, baby.” I promise her with a smile. 

“Please mama, feel at home. I’m stepping out to make some deliveries then I’m going to meet up with Senzi. I’ll see you later.” She says. 

“Wandisa, kancane nje baby girl.” I stop her before she dashes out. 

She stops and gives me her undivided attention. 

I know she sells clothes and does freelance writing and promo work. She says she makes forty thousand rands from her jobs every month. I know that Senzi is her boyfriend. He is the one who bought her that car she drives. Like I said, we spoke a lot during the visits. 

“So, you still doing your piece jobs?” I ask her. 

“I’m a businesswoman, mama. Who still wants to be an employee in this messed up economy where unemployment is at its peak and you have to depend on building someone else’s dream just to make sure that you can eat at the end of every month? Hai ngeke bo. But I’m saving for a house, mah. With me being self-employed, I can’t get credit, so I buy all my things cash and save for the really big things.” She says. Ja no, these kids have their own way of thinking. Hai.

“USenzi yena? Is he still flying planes?” I ask. I know he’s a pilot. She’s very proud of it. 

“Yeah. It’s his job. An aeroplane is not exactly cheap to buy.” She says. 

“Is he away often?” I ask her. 

“Ja, a lot actually. But it’s perfect because it gives me a chance to get my business straight. Phela uyithanda ukufa i-attention lo mlisa. When he’s around, Wandi goes MIA in his room. But today, I told him it’s your first day back. So, I want to take you out to dinner and spoil you and just watch a movie with you even.” She says.

“Ngiyabonga, nana. Be safe out there, okay?” I say. 

“I will, mommy. If you need anything, I have left money for you on your side pedestal. It’s one-thousand-five-hundred-rands. Here’s a cellphone I bought for you. It’s an iPhone. It has everything. When you’ve started up, please call me so I have your number. I’ve written my number down on paper. Use an Uber to go anywhere and everywhere you wish to go. And – 

“Wandisa, ngizoba right. Just go.” I tell her. 

She smiles at me. She kisses me and says, “Sizoba right, mah. You are home now. I love you.” 

This means everything to me. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. 

“I love you too, baby girl.” I say. 

Then, she’s gone.

I start off by running myself a good bubble bath and I chuck the entire white groff salt bottle and pink salt bottle in the bathtub. I light the scented candles that I see around the bathtub. Then I sink myself into the water. I literally slide in and even let the water cover my face and hair. This room is definitely Sandton level, but the kids running and screaming in the streets is reminding me that I’m still in the township. I can’t begin to describe how happy I am that I have a relationship with my child. There’s nothing else that I want. Nothing. 

I see products here that I can use. These are all the products she’d tell me about every time she would visit me. She would tell me that she got a promo job with these big brands and she would get paid in money and a supply of the products. I pick one range that focuses on uneven skin. I use that and start cleaning myself. She’s actually doing okay for herself. I’m proud of my baby girl. 

When I’m done bathing, I get out of the bathtub and I drain the water from the bathtub. I clean the bathtub then lotion myself. I also use her hair dryer to dry up my hair. Maybe I should take this money that she left for me and do something about this afro situation on my head. I wear the outfit that she brought to prison for me to change into. I like it. She definitely has style and taste. 

I open my cupboard send I see some handbags in here. I take a small handbag and sling it across my body. I start up my cellphone and as promised, I phone her – dialling in the number on my side pedestal. 

“Hello?” She answers. 

“Wandi, it’s me.” 

“Mah, hey. Okay, I’ll save this number.” She says.

“Okay. I’m going to a salon to do something nice with my hair. Can you recommend anywhere that I can go?” 

“Hai bo, doing my hair is one of my businesses. I’ll buy hairpiece and we can braid each other tonight.” She says. 

“Okay.” I say.

“Mama, relax. Enjoy the TV, walk around the township. Go have lunch at a nice mall. Just please, enjoy yourself.” She says. 

“Okay baby. I’ll see you later.” I say.

“Later.” 

She hangs up. 

Yho. I gave birth to something else. 

I briefly Google Dr N N Buthelezi. He pops up and I see where his offices are based now. 

I get an Uber to take me there. 

The Uber arrives and indeed takes me to his offices. When I arrive at the hospital, I go to the doctor’s suites and I find his offices. I walk all the way into his office then I bump into him talking to his receptionists. He looks at me. He stares at me. I stare at him. 

“Hi”, he says. 

“Sawubona.” I say. 

“You can come through to my office”, he says. 

I’m glad he’s not being hostile and horrible. I just follow him to his office. 

“Can I offer you – 

“Nathi, I’m not here for all of that. I just wanted to say thank you for raising Wandi. She’s one hell of a woman with a beautiful spirit and I’m proud to be her mother. I know that you and Thandeka had your challenges with her, but you did well. She’s a strong young woman that’s even taking care of me now. I’m proud of her. I’m proud of everything she is. And I want to say thank you ukuthi despite everything else, you’ve been a father to her. A single father raising her with a stepmother. You know. That couldn’t have been easy.” 

“Thandeka did all the heavy lifting. She even did the parts that I honestly couldn’t do. Even now, her relationship with Wandisa is something I wish I had with Wandisa.” 

“Well, I’ll be sure to thank her too. I hope the two of you are doing well.” 

“We’ve… we’ve actually decided to get a divorce. It’s been finalized and everything. We went through too much and I suppose we reached a point of no return. We are great with co-parenting the kids and it’s better this way. Maybe this will also help me co-parent better with you.” He says. 

“I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. She’s a good woman.” 

“She is. But I’ve been destroying her for years. I love her enough to let her go. It’s time.” He says. 

I nod my head. 

“You look really well. You look as beautiful as I remember you to be the first time I saw you. Wow, Maphuthi. You haven’t changed one bit or aged one year.” 

I can’t help but blush. 

“Can I maybe treat you to lunch?” He asks me. 

“I was going to grab something quick then head back home. Wandisa has all these plans. And as overwhelmed as I am, I don’t want to disappoint her. I mean she’s giving up her time with her boyfriend just to spend time with me. So until she gets back home, I just want to be alone. I need to breathe a little bit, you know. I need the reality of being free to finally sink in.” I say. 

He seems to understand. 

“Let me at least drive you home.” He says.

That I don’t say no to. 

The car ride is nice. It’s quiet. 

“I’m in the process of buying Thandeka a new car. I’m thinking I should maybe get you something as well.” He says. 

“Why don’t you buy your daughter a car first? She has a boyfriend buying her cars when her father is this generous about buying cars?” I say. 

“Ngiyazama nje, Maphuthi.” 

“Angiyena uThandeka, mina. Let’s just get that straight. Ungang’phapheli.” 

“I was just looking after the mother of my child.” 

“When did you realise that I was the mother of your child? I was inside a cell for fifteen years and you never even bought me a fizzer. Now you’ve suddenly grown generous enough to buy me a car?” 

“Maphuthi –

“Lalela! I know that Thandeka is the love of your life. I don’t need there to be equality in how you treat us. Besides, Wandisa is twenty-five years old now. What exactly are we co-parenting?” 

He stops the car outside the rooms that Wandisa lives at. She’s not back. Good. I’ll have a minute to myself before she gets back. 

“Uhambe kahle!” I step out the car and say. 

“Maphuthi”, he says. 

I look at him. 

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry.” He says. 

I nod my head. 

“Your number? Can I perhaps have it?” 

“For what?” 

“Any emergencies. It’s good for us to have each other’s numbers. We share a child.” 

“If you have anything to say to Wandisa, you can contact her directly.” 

“And if I have something to say to you?” Him

I pull out my phone. 

“What’s your number? I’ll buzz you.” I say. 

He calls out his number then I punch it in my phone and buzz him. His phone rings then he says, “Got it. Thanks.” 

I nod my head, close the car door and walk into the yard as he drives away. 

I finally see someone who lives here. A man who could be my age if not older. 

“I’ve never seen you around here before”, he says to me as I unlock the door.

“I’m Wandi’s mother.” 

“Mother? Not sister? Are you sure?” 

I uncomfortably giggle. I know I’m beautiful, but I don’t like hearing it from other people. 

“Chase”, he says to me as he extends his hand for a handshake. 

Men can’t look like this, call themselves Chase and introduce themselves to me when I’m fresh out of prison and have been having sex with myself for fifteen years. It should be illegal. The palms of my hands are even beginning to sweat. 

“Maphuthi”, I say and shake his hand. 

“What a pleasure”, he says as he kisses my hand. 

Yoh! Chase cannot do such things to me. He just cannot. 

“So, you live in one of these rooms?” I ask him. 

“Yeah actually. I just recently got divorced and my ex-wife sued me for everything you can think of. So until I find my feet again, this is the place I call home and that white Audi A4 is the car I call transport.” He says.

“Any kids?” I ask him.

“Yep. Four. Three boys and one girl. Their mother has packed them up too and took them back to the UK without me. They won’t even talk to me. I know I fucked up, but I don’t deserve to not be in my children’s lives. I definitely don’t deserve for my wife to feed my mistakes to my children and have them view me different. You know?” 

I just nod my head. 

“Is Wandi your only daughter?” He asks me. 

I nod my head and say, “Yeah. My only baby girl.” 

“You did great with her. She’s amazing.” 

“It was mostly her father and her step-mother that raised her. I was in prison for the past fifteen years. I only came out this morning.” 

His aura immediately changes. 

I just know I’ve led him to losing all interest in me.

“I’ll see you around, Chase.” I say.

I get into the room and close the door. 

Silence at last. 

I actually do nothing fancy with my time. I don’t watch TV or listen to music or learn stuff off my cellphone. None of that. I just sit here, lie on my back, shut my eyes and simply breathe. That’s it. That’s all that life requires of me today. To just breathe. 

In and out. 

In and out. 

In and out.

I think about the novel that I wrote and finished in prison. I told Wandi about it and she was so excited for me to come out so that she can help me promote it, get it in stores and have me make honest money out of it. If I can just get a laptop, then I can just view it on a machine one more time before I start printing and selling it. It’s titled “A mother behind bars: materially misbehaving inside so she could be all that she wants to be outside.” 

I think about the people that I never wish to see again. I laugh at the moments that I had inside. I laugh at how hard I had to fight to get out and be here… like this… with my child. Fifteen years of being a child in a small shack filled with fifteen other children and we all get one plate of food a day. Whoever eats the fastest will sleep the most full. Whoever eats the slowest will be hungry before the others. That’s what prison is like. It’s a fight for survival every single day. And I survived. I sold drugs inside so I could give my child start-up capital for all these businesses that she has. Every time she made bad decisions and they cost her financially, I had to step in. I sold girls from the inside. You’d be surprised how much money this gives you on the inside. When she got this place and she was required to pay six months rent in advance, she came to me behind bars, and not to her father who is a specialized doctor and a half. I did what I had to do. And my baby is okay. So, my actions have never been in vain. 

When I think about my mother and all that she failed to do for me… I could never be her. She let her boyfriend rape me the minute our father left us for another woman. Another family all together. I grew up knowing I was beautiful because all the men who touched me told me so. I grew up knowing that my beauty can get me anything because the teachers at my high school who took me to their houses told me that when they did things to me. Sleeping for something that I want became normal to me. It’s like even when I started working… I slept with the right people to get the promotions that I wanted- no matter how brilliant I was at my job. Sad reality, but very true. 

I’d lie to anyone that would listen that I was a spoiled daddy’s girl whose father left businesses upon businesses for me. It made me feel like I was exactly like all the other kids who had fathers that never left them for other women – that chose them over leaving. And in a weird way, my little lie of my perfect father and all the things he was doing for me kept me going. 

I started getting into crime out of greed I suppose. I could always do with an extra rand or two… I could always do with a house that had an extra brick or two… I could always do with a car that had some extra power or two… and in the end, the Buthelezis came into life and I went to jail for everything that I’ve ever done wrong in my life. 

But now, I’ve done my time. Now, it’s time to get my groove back.

I just need one night of passionate sex and I swear I’ll even think a little bit better. Nathi is not on my list. Hell no. Chase was a strong contender, but now he’s scared of me because I’m suddenly tattooed “convicted criminal” on my forehead to him. 

Eish. 

For now, let the hand do its job. I normally feel sleepy after helping myself. I guess the nap will be sweet and Wandi will wake me up when she gets back. 

…

“Unjani umah wakho, Sthandwa Sami?” Senzi asks me as we both lie in the bathtub full of water, bath foam and relaxing bath oils. We are enjoying some champagne as well as we sit in here and just catch up with each other.

“She’s good, baby. I’m just worried about her.” I tell him. 

“Why?” 

“She just comes across as if she doesn’t want to enjoy life because she still has to pay for her sins, you know? I don’t want her to feel that way. She’s my mother and I love her. I want a chance to be in her life and have her be in my life fully.” 

“Love, she just got out of prison. She’s adjusting. It will take some time, but she will be okay eventually.” 

“I know… it’s just…”

“Just what, babe?” 

“Senzi, we all have one goal when we wake up everyday. Our goal is to return home untouched by the things of the world even though we live in it. No woman plans to meet her rapist on her way to school or work. No woman plans to meet situations that force her to make difficult decisions that have such consequences. I want my mom to know that I understand that she did what she had to do and it’s okay. It’s really okay. I want her to move on.” 

“I hear you, baby.” He says. Then he kisses me. 

“Maybe you should tell her that. It would mean the world to her.” He says. 

I nod my head. 

“Have you spoken to your dad?” He asks me. 

“Not really. Ubaba is not exactly keen about him and I having a father and daughter relationship.” 

“But, he just concluded his divorce. He needs a hug too. He needs the love and support that you are giving to your mother.” 

“I spoke to uKhanya. He says dad bought a new place and he is living his best life. Obviously, they visit him – uKhanya noKhosini. But, I don’t think ubaba has room for me like that in his life. He never has” I say.

“Well, now that he is divorced – 

“No, I don’t even want to think like that. UMam’Thandeka has been nothing but nice and loving to me. More than ubaba even. I’m not going to insult her by even insinuating that she is the reason ubaba just never wanted me.” 

He is silent. 

“Anyway, babe… I need to get going. I’m sure umama is wondering where I am.” I say. 

I stand up and get out of the bathtub.

“Baby! Wandi! Are you upset?” Senzi keeps saying as I make my way into his main bedroom and start lotioning myself.

I’m getting dressed in the blue denim jeans that I arrived in and the see-through shirt that I wore with it. I can get away with shirts like this because I’m the sexy lingerie and underwear kind of girl. I took after my mom with the wide hips, round ass and thin waist. But with my boobs – the Buthelezi family definitely gave me boobs for days. I’ve even gone for a boob reduction just to have them be a little smaller. They were making me look fat more than anything. 

I don’t tie my braids, I just let them hang from my head.

“Baby”, he starts.

He is naked. He still lives at home and his mother hates me. He must get dressed before his mother just walks in here and shits on us. Thankfully, his bathroom is attached to his bedroom. 

I’m still wearing my heel-like push-in sandals that have a transparent wrap over my foot. I don’t like flat shoes. If you see me in a flat shoe, it’s sneakers. I’m all about heels, so I have them in every sandal, slops, and morning shoes. All my boots have heels. I just don’t understand flat shoes. They are uncomfortable and so unattractive. They just don’t make sense to me. But a sneaker, I’ll forgive for not having heels and that’s me trying to be basic. 

“Wandi”, he says as he wraps himself around me. Okay, now he only has a towel wrapped around his lower body. 

I finally look at him. 

He is a very tall man. He reminds me so much of my dad. He is a successful career man who is good-looking and very charming. He has these small eyes that I love so much. Sometimes I tease him and tell him that he doesn’t see me coming sometimes because his eyes are so small. He is a dark-skinned beauty… he looks Ghanaian. His mother is from Ghana and his father is Zulu. So, you can imagine how sexy his bone structure is and how deliciously tall he is. He couldn’t be ugly even he wanted to and that Ghanaian sauce is heat deep on him. I can’t help but smile at him. His smile defeats me all the time and he knows it. 

He uses his body to push me and corner me against the wall of this bedroom.

“You know that I love you, right?” He says.

“I know”, I say. 

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Baby, I just want you to be happy.” He says. 

“I know. Sometimes it just feels like you don’t understand where I’m coming from half of the time. You have your parents living under one house and you are an only child who does not have siblings scattered between different parents. I’m the girl whose mother spent the last fifteen years of her life in prison. I spent the last nine years building a relationship with my mother through prison bars and on weekends and public holidays only. My mother was a side chick who turned my dad’s world upside down by being pregnant with me. My dad lived my entire life apologizing to his wife about the fact that I even existed. I barely have a relationship with him because his wife tolerated me more than he did. I don’t have a perfect life, Senzangakhona. Nothing is normal about my life. I was raped as a six-year-old child and no matter how hard I try to get over it or forget about it, I look at my mother and I realise that raping women is a norm where I come from. I could have easily been her. Mam’Thandeka saved me from that. Sometimes, when you give me advice about my family, I think you romanticise how painful it is to be in my shoes sometimes. I try my best to not blame my parents for it.” 

He hugs me. We share a deep and long hug. 

“One day, I’m going to build you a house on a plot that is far away from the busy streets of townships and cities. We will grow our own vineyard and have the perfect banana tree. We will have a huge yard that we will fill up with trampolines – 

“For me to jump on and lose weight”, I say and we laugh. 

“And we will have a huge swimming pool that is built with rocks and bricks that were used to build Rome and we will have our little Italy in our backyard.” 

I laugh. 

“And I’ll give you one baby.” I say.

“Only one?” 

“Okay, maybe two.” 

“How about three or four?” He says. 

“Okay. Only if you buy yourself your own airline and have other people make money for you so you can spend all your time with your four kids and me”, I say.

“Anything for you, baby. Anything.” He says. 

“We will start our own family. Just you and me and our four bundles of joy.” 

“And we will protect them. We will love them. We will try very hard to make sure that it’s different for them.”

“What happens if we fail, Senzi?” 

“We can only do our best, my love.” 

“What if one of us die and someone else must come in and replace one of us in their lives?” 

“Ssssshhhhhhhh….” He says as he hugs me tighter, pulling my head towards his chest. He kisses the top of my head. 

“God is hearing our prayers, my love. And His answers are yes and amen. Always remember that.” He says.

Yes, he is a youth pastor. 

I look up at him. We kiss. 

…

My mom was fast asleep when I got back from Senzi’s house. It wasn’t even 7pm yet. I didn’t wake her up because I just felt that maybe she needed the rest. 

Today, we woke up and we prepared breakfast together. After we ate, I plaited her hair. It took us about three hours and we were just talking as I was braiding her hair. She was telling me about prison and that she went to see my dad yesterday. I don’t know why she did that. We don’t need him. We really don’t. She must just let him be. Some things must stay where they are. Like him. 

As we clean up the hairpiece on the floor, I see Khanya’s car park at the gate. Khanya and Khosini are my brothers. They are my younger brothers that were birthed by my other mother, Thandeka. I can’t even call her my stepmother. She was so much more than that to me. 

These two come here so often that they even know how to get in and just be comfortable. Khanya is twenty-two years old and Khosini is nineteen. But they are both taller than me and they think they are hottest things since sliced bread. 

We are really close – all three of us. We have another sister – Sinqobile. She’s Khosino’s twin. She unfortunately passed away when she and Khosini were a couple of months old. So, it’s just us three. 

“Hello, sis”, my brothers greet me. 

I wish I could ask them what they are doing here, but this is their world. I just live in it. 

“You guys look so good. Nibuyaphi?” I ask them. 

“I’m coming from work. This one, I just picked up from campus. We going to dad’s place for a braai, so we came to fetch you”, Khanya says. 

“I wasn’t invited to a braai nje. And you know I’m still hanging out with my mom. She just got back from prison.” I say. 

They both look inside of my room and they notice my mother. She is also looking at us.

“Sawubona, Mam’Phuthi.” They both greet her. 

“Hello”, she says, making her way to the door where we are standing.

“You are so grown. The last time I saw you, you were in diapers”. My mom says. 

“Now, you are grown and annoying as hell.” I say. 

They all laugh. 

“Ubaba really wanted all of us to come, Wandi.” Khosini says. 

“He didn’t say anything to me and he has my number.” I say.

“He didn’t say anything to me neither. He told Khanya and Khanya just passed on the message to everyone.” Khosini. 

“Hamba, baby girl. I’ll be okay.” My mom says. 

“I’ll go if you all go to church with me tomorrow. Including you, mama.” 

“Hai hai hai!” Khanya and Khosini protest. 

My mom laughs. 

“You are the mam’mfundisi here. Not us.” Khanya says and everyone laughs. 

“Please guys. Just come. We will just attend the youth service. Senzi is preaching.” I say. 

“USenzi is a preacher?” My mom asks.

“Youth pastor.” I say. 

My mom seems surprised. 

“Mah, that church is so huge. There are three different services on a Sunday. It accommodates 300 people at a time. Yoh, I’m sure pastor Senzi earns a lot of money from that church. That place is a business. It even has a mall inside, mama.” Khosini. 

My mom is in stitches. 

“Why are you like this? You know it’s his parents’ church and they started it from nothing. All they had when it started was material to build a shack and land. They had that land and shack then grew it into what it is now.” I say.

“Mama, it’s a mall. It sells all sorts of religious things. Then it’s stunning infrastructure and it’s just a vibe. Mama, they have musicians, brand and marketing people. For a church? A church, mama?!” Khanya keeps saying and honestly, my mom is going to faint at this point from all this laughing. 

I love how my brothers are even calling my mother, mah. I love these two idiots. 

“Well, I’ll go to church. Maybe, I can even find a job there for now just to keep busy”, my mom says. 

“Thank you, mommy.” 

“Fine. We will also go.” Khosini says. 

I smile. 

“Now, let’s go to dad’s place.” Khanya says. 

I quickly shower and get ready as they sit outside on the stoep with my mom. They actually talk. Like really talk and laugh. 

When I’m done showering, I look for an outfit to wear. 

I pull out a dress that I haven’t worn in a while. It’s a short dress, but it’s cute. I wear it with Jordan sneakers. I grab a bag and we use Khanya’s BMW 1 series to head to my dad’s place. I sit in the front seat next to Khanya who is driving and Khosini the baby sits at the back. It’s just always been that way.

…

I’m cooking in the kitchen and the guys are braaing outside. It’s just the three of us and my dad. I honestly feel uncomfortable. I don’t feel like this is home for me. 

“Hey”, my dad comes into the kitchen with empty trays and braaing utensils covered in sauces that I used to marinate the meat. 

I just give him a fake half smile. 

“Kunjani ukuhlala nomama wakho?” He asks me. 

“It’s fine.” I say. 

“I was thinking that maybe I should get you guys a bigger place.” He says. 

“There’s no need for you to do that.” I say. 

“I want to. And I want to buy you a car. I don’t like this thing of you driving cars bought by other men”, be says.

The fucken nerve! 

“And when did you decide that? Around about the time when you woke up one day and decided that you are my father?” 

“Wandisa –

“Baba, sobabili we know that I’m only here because my brothers have asked me to be here and they fetched me and brought me here. You don’t want me here and if it were up to you and me, I wouldn’t be one of your children.” 

“It’s not like that, Wandisa. If you could at least give me a chance to explain before you write me off…” 

“Don’t do that! Don’t create expectations from me that we both know you won’t be able to fulfil. You’ve let me down enough, baba. I can’t open that door to you ever again only for you to let me down over and over again.” 

He seems hurt. 

“Wandisa, ngane yami… I’m not a perfect man. But I do love you. I really do. At least tell me that you know that.” He says. 

I just turn around and focus on the pots again. I really don’t want to entertain this any further. I don’t.